I’ve learned so many things since I joined this board ...
I’ve learned that this entire process is paradoxical in nature.
In order to potentially save our marriages, we must first save ourselves. In order to save ourselves we must be willing to truly dig deep and uncover the people we were meant to be by focussing on ourselves and that which falls within our control. In order to focus on ourselves we must let go, without anger and resentment. In order to let go without anger and resentment we must examine ourselves and our roles in the break down of our marriages. We must also seek to understand that our spouses MLCs are not about us and were not caused by us and therefore can not be fixed by us. In order to examine our marriages and understand MLC we must stand. Not stand still. But stand for our vows, our beliefs and our familes. Stand through the anger and the discovery process. Stand for love.
Stand in order to let go. Let go in order to live. Live in order to love.
Why?
I’ve often seen the paradoxical nature spoken of, and I’ve often seen posters ask, but why? Why do we need to completely let them go in order to maybe get them back?
A couple of reason actually, IMO, the biggest two ...
Until we let them go, they feel us/ The pull, the pressure ... whatever you want to call it. If they are feeling us then they focus on us instead of them and their own lives. That pressure is still there unless we actually let them go. And the MLCWAS is uber sensitive to it. In their minds the LBS is the problem. Period. They need to no longer feel the LBS. Will they turn inwards then? Probably not, especially at first. But the point is that they CAN’T otherwise. Whether or not they WILL is beyond our control.
Talking about change and wishing for change doesn’t make it so. Taking the bits of truth out of the MLC spew and instantly changing a billion things about yourself (as the LBS) doesn’t make for real change. And without real change, you may win battles but you’ll never win the war. Our marriages failed. And they didn’t fail because our spouse had an MLC. They were already weak. And that is powerful knowledge. None of us would stand a chance in hell if our marriages were perfect and we were perfect prior to the bomb. I will tell you this though ... I thought my marriage was perfect and I took it for granted that he felt the same way.
That’s all my musings for now ... Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
