trying to see the big picture

[AloneAt35]

Hi Tank, I wanted to respond to your message about the cottage but your thread was closed.

First of all, you are a HEROIC husband and father for what you are doing to get your wife back into your kids' lives. The amount of forgiveness and magnanimity you've demonstrated is practically super-human.

I think your wife truly appreciates it and I'm glad she recognized your birthday.

That being said, I was a little worried about the cottage idea because by using it as an opportunity to reconnect with your wife, I'm afraid that she might perceive all of those fun mutual activities as "pressure." Pressure to act happy, pressure to act as a wife (something she's clearly afraid of)...you get the drift. You offered it to her as a place to collect her thoughts and be by herself...not as a place to start acting like Tank's wife if she's not yet feeling like a wife.

She IS coming around, but it is just happening very, very slowly (you'd need one of those time lapse cameras to perceive it, but from an outsider's perspective, it IS happening). So please don't jeopardize her progress by startling her into 'fun couple time.'

Think of it like feeding a wild animal. Sometimes you start out by just leaving the food and walking away. As the animal gains trust and confidence in your motives, you can eventually watch it eat. Slowly you may be able to move a little closer with the food, but it takes ages until the animal might be willing to eat out of your hand. If you move too fast, the animal bolts and all of the painstaking progress is lost. maybe the animal never comes back.

I'm just worried that by putting her in a position where the expectation is that she should be enjoying herself, if she's not, she might startle and bolt.

I'd hate to see that happen because you've literally accomplished a minor miracle by getting this woman back in your home. Let her join in activities on her own time - with the kids as buffer zones at first. Quality couple time still seems a long way off, but I think its coming.

Tank, I wish I could do what you've done. You are a decent, decent man to be there for your wife the way that you have with unearthly amounts of unconditional love. I feel your wife is just starting to see and appreciate that, but let her determine the pace from here on out.

I really believe that time is going to heal the wounds in your marriage - for both of you.