Waw - no notice and no contact since

[aeolianchaos]

What do I do? I got a lawyer three weeks ago....he said ....dude it's over. I can't except this after 9 years of M.....I have tried to get messages to her....but no reply. I have since given up on advice from everyone around me......

Thats cold!! While you were reading the letter, huh? I can only imagine the way that must have felt and I hope you recognize that the community here can empathize with your experience.

I didn't get any kind of explicit order of protection, but my W definitely has constructed a drama around this insinuating that I am a threat or scare her or that somehow I'm dangerous. It's like salt in the wounds, isn't it?

Maybe a way to look at it is that its a legal mechanism to prevent you from communicating with her. Maybe in her imagination, you will be violent because of her actions. If you really haven't been violent or intimidating or threatening, than perhaps your best bet is to just decide not to take it personally and realize its her own personal dramatizing playing itself out in the real world. It isn't really about you.

What do I do? I got a lawyer three weeks ago....he said ....dude it's over. I can't except this after 9 years of M.....I have tried to get messages to her....but no reply. I have since given up on advice from everyone around me......

Well.. maybe it is over. Maybe it isn't. Divorce isn't a legal issue, its a personal issue with legal problems to deal with. Your L can help you with the legal stuff, and I guess could request the court to mandate counseling, but thats probably it in terms of the personal aspect of it.

If it is, how are you going to take care of yourself? What would you do for yourself? What would you be doing 12 months from now if your M ended today?

No matter what, you are dealing with a stressful situation. Divorce is only below death of a loved one in terms of life stresses. So you better plan on taking really good care of yourself and learning to be okay w/o your W. Not to 'get ready' to be single, but to put yourself in the best possible place regardless of the outcome of this whole thing. Being centered and grounded and healthy is going to enable you to make better choices. Having things to do will help you to feel good about yourself and will help you to compartmentalize the situation while your mind processes it. Self-care is really important, and especially so in times of stress like this.

Reflection can be valuable - you can use this time to take a look at where you are and anything you could do differently to more authentically express who you are and the person you want to be. You may have done many good things, but is there anything you KNOW was a problem? Anything that she ever alluded to? Perhaps in a very oblique fashion? Anything that you feel, upon looking back, that might have been creating a barrier between you and her?

Maybe you can use this time to identify any blind spots that you might have about yourself - we all have them - and see if perhaps there is something there to work on. Even if it does nothing to affect the outcome of this situation, you will probably have a happier life as a result.

For now, perhaps you need to accept that at the very least, she is actively avoiding you. Pursuing her probably isn't going to help.

She is avoiding everyone? What do you think that could mean?