WAW, Filing as Fast as Possible

[aeolianchaos]

Had an incredible weekend - got out of town on time and almost no traffic along the way. Leaving tomorrow morning to head back to the 'real world.' Never enjoy that 'back to life, back to reality' sensation I get.

I got to see my entire immediate family (minus W) for the first time in about 8 months. I really focused on enjoying them and their company, and just the experience of being around people who were sincere. It was a great time and I'm very appreciative of how my relationship with my family and siblings has evolved over the past year.

If it weren't for the need to maintain a degree of anonymity on here, I'd share more because its an incredible story. But I think its safe to share that this past year I gained a B and SIL. That's vague enough, right? they are both awesome, BTW.

Being completely honest, there were many moments where I was a little bit grateful that W wasn't there this weekend. The way she has been for the past year+ has been so covertly hostile/aloof/insincere that I feel like it was just better w/o her. The conversation was open, honest, sincere, and flowed naturally. I feel like if she had been there, it would have been stifled and people would have picked up on her energy (apparently people HAD been picking up on it long before I figured it out..) and felt uncomfortable. So even though I do love her, I was happy to have the experience of such nice conversation and a good sense of being.

But also sad - to be around everyone else with their SO and be the 'odd man out' was a little discouraging. At times I was appreciating the way other people's relationships were - some partners so much like one another, some very different, and some somewhere in the middle. But all were there and truly present. And that was beautiful to me, and its something I know that I want in my life - someone who will be present, who will be known and allow themselves to be loved for who they are, and love others for who they are. And that made me, on occasion, feel a little sad that right now its not something I'm having.

Not too bad though and ultimately, its still ok. I'm grateful to have the awareness and wisdom to recognize the beautiful qualities of these relationships. And I know that it is something I want and will have to create within my own.

I still haven't communicated with W or responded to her latest communication. Wouldn't mind saying 'Thanks! It was an amazing weekend!' But I think it is a little weird to txt someone back 7 days later. It isn't as if I'm that busy.

Met with a vocational counselor and discovered: I am still who I am. At least in terms of interests, abilities, and skills. I think that a strategy of embracing this is probably better than fighting it. There is a lot to it and its kind of a gnarly issue for me. I know that this isn't a job/career support board, but for me I think it's important find a vocation that reflects my skills and strengths and interests.