HELP! Tried the 180/Last Resort & Failed - PART 2

[AloneAt35]

Off topic, but my faith has always been my private thing...very much not appreciated/understood by Ex-P. And this faith is nothing I share with much of anyone. I tuck my Bible away so Ex-P doesn't get the heebie jeebies off of it. My relationship with God and "Jr." is just between me, God, and Jr. (I'm a Johnny Cash Christian if I'm any kind of Christian.)

Yet Ex-P always benefited from this faith he never understood - from the peace, strength, and hope it brought into my life. And mostly from the times he asked me to help him figure things out (and I framed the advice in a purely secular manner that he could relate to).

Now I am failing in my faith. I feel it slipping away. I know God is there and yet I acted so un-Godly in my anger toward Ex-P.

But I am tired of enabling this relationship with OW at my own expense. I know to forgive 70 times 7. I know that I am too invested in Ex-P, and that my anger shows that I haven't *really* given him over to God.

But I just want to say this, for people of faith, the end of a relationship is so much more fraught with tests. We know that if we lose faith, we lose God's favor. We have to maintain faith while being tormented by our partners. When we don't, we punish ourselves with further torment. We have to worry about being right with God, which sometimes means being painfully lonely. We have to face the fact that if our relationships don't work out, entering a new relationship is not so clear cut. We aren't allowed to 'move on' and dream of the comfort of being loved by someone else. We are told to trust in signs from God and wait for a miracle when we are tempted to just take matters into our own hands and find happiness. We are compelled to trust in His signs and His Word when the signs and words of our partners is in complete opposition. We are told to NOT LISTEN to the advice of worldly people when sometimes these are the people who love and help us the most...

It all amounts to a CR*PTACULAR personal crisis and a spiritual crisis rolled into one and I'm just so tired, so very tired. I just know that I can't pass this test. I feel doomed either way. I'm probably using my Bible as a talisman at this point, I'm just in so much pain. I'm probably the worst Christian out there.

[Okay, end of church-lady AA35, back to regular AA35.]

I'm still young, though not so young. What does the future hold for me?