It's been a little while since I posted, mainly I realised I still had a little bit of getting over exh to do and I needed to step off the rollercoaster of emotions that I was still feeling.
Well, it's odd to say but I feel nothing about him anymore other than gladness that I had the amazing opportunity of the 14 months away and thank goodness he is no longer in my life. I have no desire to contact him (other than thinking about my cat once in a while but unfortunately I am in no position to have her back) or have anything to do with him ever again and the feeling of ever being married and divorced seems like it happened to someone else.
I had a brilliant last few months away. My sister came out and we went together to Tasmania which is just beautiful and we had so much fun together and then after that I went to Brisbane. Brisbane was great, hanging out in the sun, being with friends old and new and Joe and I reignighted our romance.
Things were very different this time and I have to say a combination of a non pressured job, good friends, Joe and sunshine meant that I was the happiest I have ever been so I just decided to relax and enjoy my last few months. And I was *so* happy (still am pretty happy but no longer on my Brisbane high). I knew there was an end date to it and it was pretty hard to tear myself away from somewhere where I was so happy but tear myself away I did and set off home via Laos and Bali.
Laos was lovely. My oldest friend has met a Laos man and moved to Laos so I spent a week with her catching up and relaxing and then went onto Bali which I really enjoyed. I went snorkelling and saw a turtle, looked at all the local art, avoided anything Eat, Pray, Love and just relaxed before flying home.
I've now been home a week and it's been pretty nice. I am slowly catching up with my family who are spread around the country and also friends. Living back home with my parents is slightly waring but I do appreciate how lucky I am. I also got my old job back but only 3 days a week which is actually perfect because I really wanted to go back into working in theatres ushering but it doesn't pay well so it means I can do both.
All this is well and good but I feel torn because part of me just wants to go away again but part of me is very happy to be home so I have given myself the summer and have decided to reassess things in September. Things with Joe continue to go really well and he is showing just as much commitment as me, if not actually more even though we are far away from each other at the moment. My friends and family are all well and hopefully my bank balance might show signs of recovery soon once I start getting a salary again. Other than that, I am trying not to put all the weight I lost back on with my mothers cooking and being back to nice chocolate and have a new fitness regime planned.
I have Tasmania on my bucket list! I am so proud of you. You have grown so much in the past year. If you dont believe me, go back and read your posts from before you left.
So is Joe going to come for a visit? Kind of strange seeing people just as you left them when you would have thought they would have grown just like you. Keep up the good stuff, I am incredibly proud of you my dear.
Hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
What an amazing adventure you have had. To be back home and get your job back is exciting in itself. Part-time sounds even better since you will able to be in the theater like you want. Getting to do what you love is reward all by itself.
Very interesing about Joe. Is he planning on settling and growing roots anytime soon or is a he a born wanderer?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I feel like I have done a lot of healing and I finally feel peace which is the best feeling ever. Not having anxiety anymore is great as I hadn't realised how badly I had or for how long, and at least I recognise it when I feel it and deal with it.
Joe and I had a few really good, honest talks. One of the things I really appreciate about him is his frankness and honesty with me to the point where I sometimes feel like he shouldn't be so honest(!!). It is very refreshing after exh. Anyway, the upshot is that we both very much like each other and want to continue the relationship but we would take some time apart as we both had things that we need to do for ourselves. Of course since I've gone, he has really missed me (as I have him too) and wants me to come back as he has another year in Australia. As I said in my original post I am giving myself the summer here to enjoy, which I have ahd in my head to do for ages, and then will reassess things in Septemberish time. Plus I have no money!
My first day back at work is weird, literally nothing has changed here. I have one point which I am wondering what to do about and that is I am known here as Julia *exh name* and as I am not that any longer and don't wish to hear that name again I don't really know what to do. As most people don't know my personal circumstances I don't really want people to assume I have got married when I was away and have to explain otherwise. Or even how to say that is no longer my name. Has anyone encountered this before?
I had used both my maiden and last name since I had gotten married. Didn't change it when the divorce went through. After all I have had this name for 19 years at the time of the divorce and 22 years now. I was upset after the divorce, I finally started talking about it in real life so I think most people know now.
If people do ask, just let them know you went back to your maiden name. Let's them know you have gotten divorced without having to hash through it.
If I didn't have the kids I might have changed it, but they have his last name and so I have the connection with that.
Glad you are doing well. kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I've been feeling really weird lately and I thought if perhaps I tried to explain it here it might help as when it comes out of my mouth it doesn't make sense.
Don't get me wrong, I love being home, I love seeing my friends and family but I feel really dislocated from it all. Like I am me looking in, like I have slipped back into my old role but it isn't me anymore, like I have changed so much but no one else has, everything is exactly the same but me. Almost like I am looking in on myself and watching my behaviour slip back into old ways and not being able to change it.
I didn't realise how much being away had changed me, improved my confidence and really found the real me. I changed my way of dressing, I lost weight, even bizarrely my face shape changed and I had my independence.
Now I am living back home, putting weight on again (I've started running but it isn't making much difference), acting like a spoilt teenager and taking it out on my parents who are being so kind in letting me stay, bored again at work (there is really nothing for me to do at that job but they pay well and it is reliable), I have lost some of my confidence in myself and my body and whilst I am doing stuff and enjoying myself I'm not happy. I want to be free again, I don't feel 'done' with being away. But I feel frozen, like I don't really know what to do to make things better because if I look for a new job or place to live then that means I have to settle down and stay in England and I'm just not ready to do that yet. I feel like if I do I will look back and regret it. But is it because I haven't given it enough time yet.
I have no gut feeling about what the right thing to do is.
The feeling is totally understandable Julia. You have been on an exciting, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants adventure for over a year. Settling back into what is considered a 'normal' life has to be so disconcerting. You haven't been home very long now. How about just working at being 'in the moment' for the next 4 months. If you aren't finiding that you are able to creat a new normal for yourself then it might be time to consider a drastic measure like going on another BIG adventure.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
As for the running, great job!!! It's so much easier to be proactive about your weight than to try and lose 50 or 100 lbs later.
For stamina, it's okay to do 3 minutes of jogging followed by 1 min of walking. Just work up on the ratio so eventually you're doing 10 min of jogging and 1 min of walking and then no walking. Then slowly work on increasing your distance. Give yourself at least one or two rest days a week, and one or two days of cross training like weights or yoga. It'll take time to work up to longer distances, and once you get up to a few miles you'll want to work in some days where you focus on speed rather than distance.
Make sure you have good shoes and try and focus on your stride. You want to run with your hips over your toes, landing more on your toes, and pushing off from your toes. Running where you land on your heel and roll forward to push off on your toe means you land with your knee locked and jar your ankle/knee/hip and cause joint problems and shin splints. Google low-impact running if you want more info on that.
Most of all, be patient with yourself. It'll take time to get good at it and to see results. I don't know if you have other goals besides maintaining your weight, but I run a couple mornings a week before work, do weights or stability ball workouts a couple evenings after work, and go for a longer run on Saturday morning.
It's all about what you can make work for you though.
And remember, slow miles are better than no miles!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
