HELP! Tried the 180/Last Resort & Failed - PART 2

[AloneAt35]

"Actually, I'm more disgusted than angry."

I really like that one.

Don't imagine I'll ever be in the situation to use it again, but its a keeper. Thanks.

[angel61]

First of all,I think you did great! But reading your last chapter makes me feel that there will be an epilogue.

I agree with others that the OW seems to be such a major predator. And he is already feeling her claws sinking in.

Just wanted to think out of the box - perhaps the fact that he was letting you witness their fight means something? In most of the sitches here the WAS holds up their head and pretends they are so happy to be finally free of their "trapped" life, even if they are not. YOur X is the exact opposite! I haven't been through your whole story but it seems like a cry for help to me. Is he so used to having you "fix" him, his life?

There is some other kind of dynamic going on here.

[AloneAt35]

Angel, that's an interesting thought. I don't know why he let me witness the fight other than that he seems so emotionally strung out that he couldn't hide it. He really seemed to want my advice too, but I wouldn't give it.

In terms of whether or not Ex-P was used to me fixing him or his life, all I can say is that he has always been very, very socially insecure. He seems to have a hard time 'reading' other people's emotions or trusting his own responses. (For example, he used to 'rehearse' interactions with me in regards to his work, or before attending a challenging social occasion like a funeral, etc.) So yes, he's "crying for help"...he wants me to help him navigate through his relationship with OW! He tried to elicit my advice several times during the day, but I just won't help him.

So yes, I got to see him insert foot in mouth, say the WRONG things, start yelling and then have her hang up on him. Then he wanted me to tell him what he did wrong! Sorry Ex-P, the relationship coach isn't available anymore. (He's so clueless he actually thought I might work against my own interests. The man is living on planet bizarre.)

When people here on DB say that the OW woman is acting like a predator, I just don't know what to think. I did some reading about online dating scams and most of them involve never meeting face to face and requests to wire money internationally, etc.

Ex-P and OW have spent several weekends together, so I don't think it is a scam, but she *IS* a major weirdo. I don't know if you read any of my original posts about her, but she changed her name after they began communicating, she has legally changed her first and last name at least once that Ex-P knows about, she claimed her biological child was just a kid she was babysitting before finally fessing up, she's only let Ex-P meet her son once (and only after he demanded to) - and they are all going to be living together in a couple of weeks, she's never let Ex-P see or come to her home and now claims that HIS new home is a home she bought, she invited Ex-P on a trip to meet her extended family but then at the last minute said her mom was too sick to meet him after he took vacation from work and booked a flight, she's forced him to start wearing a wedding ring but won't tell her son that they are in a relationship, she won't tell Ex-P her age, she has a heavy Eastern European-accent but won't tell her country of origin and says she is mostly French, and she wants to handle the financial details of the dissolution of our properties, etc...its all just very, very weird. The weirdest thing to me, however, is the amount of contact she has with him and how short his proverbial leash is. They seem to exchange literally dozens of emails and phone calls a day and she threatens him constantly about contact with me.

Ex-P claims that she is just a very private person and he explains all of the weirdness away as her being very in love with him and just being jealous, as well as her being protective of her son who was supposedly almost kidnapped by his father (a lawyer) as an infant.

I'm so glad its not my mess. The weird thing is that even he was suspicious of her at first, but now seems to trust her stories, so I have to believe that he's checked her out enough to feel that she's on the up and up. He believes she loves him and who knows, she probably does. Its clear that he's in love with her, and boy does it hurt me.

How does a man go from seemingly a normal, upstanding, successful, and apparently happy person (in his 20-year relationship)...to getting involved in something so WEIRD with a person who is so beneath him in so many ways???

Its hard not to take that personally.

[seeking answers]

How does a man go from seemingly a normal, upstanding, successful, and apparently happy person (in his 20-year relationship)...to getting involved in something so WEIRD with a person who is so beneath him in so many ways???

Its hard not to take that personally.

This is why ^^^^ you don't take it personally. If your XP can't see the red flags that stand out like sore thumbs about this woman, you know he's not rational right now. His fog is so thick you could cut it with a knife. I pray he wakes up in time or she'll take him for everything she can get.

I believe she's so private because she has a lot of things to hide...

Just continue to step back and detach. Keep doing what you're doing. Love him from a distance and offer no help of any kind. Your XP is in for a rude awakening at some point.

Keep DBing, I believe it will come in very handy in the future.

I think you're handling things admirably. Your strength and confidence will serve you well.

[AloneAt35]

So Angry, SO ANGRY!!!

Ex-P just called me about having some bills put into my name in order for his life to be easier with OW.

I know the DB way is to rise above every situation and maintain civility. Well, call me a DB failure today.

I just didn't have it in me. I was assertive, abrupt, the anger in my voice was obvious and Ex-P noted it. He said, "You know this isn't about the money, its about OW." I was silent

The conversation was short. I reminded him of some bills he still has to pay. He said, "Well, maybe I can come over next week and get the bills and give you a ride to the grocery store."

After Saturday's heart-wrenching agony...the phone calls with OW, the tearful good-bye, I just laughed out loud and said "No thank you." A good DB-er would have put him off more politely. (Well, maybe not Starsky.)

Yes, I am a DB failure. However, after last Saturday I didn't need to be reminded about his need to pacify OW, I didn't need to be reminded that I am not loved, and I didn't need to provide him a method for assuaging his guilt for abandoning me with a RIDE TO THE GROCERY STORE.

Just when I convince myself that the tide may turn against Ex-P and OW, just when my faith in God tells me to love him like Jesus in spite of everything, just when I believe God is seeing and working on Ex-P, I am thrown into the dirt again.

I feel like I failed at DBing, I feel I failed in my faith by not being loving and peaceful on the phone, I feel like for some reason I'm not worthy of Ex-P's love and that despite all my prayerful contrition for ANYTHING that I may have done wrong in life, even God looks away from me.

I really don't know how much more I can take. At the start of this, I resolved never to fall into bitterness, never to have negative interactions with Ex-P, never to lose trust in God or behave in an un-Christian way, never to stop loving unconditionally - and here I have failed at ALL of it and all at once.

I just feel like I can't have any more to do with Ex-P until OW is out of the picture. That may never happen, but he can't continue to see these glimpses of an ugly person inside of me that I didn't know existed.

[a girl]

You can't be expected to be ok all the time. Of course things he does will trigger you - don't beat yourself up.

Personally, I agree with the "Nothing to do with X until OW is out of the picture". How can you be civil, carry on pleasant conversation, when you know that he's going to hang up the phone and call her? I can't, and I don't see how you could either.

[Starsky309]

Me either.

Oh, and there's nothing wrong with a little righteous indignation, 35. Even Jesus knew when to throw over the moneychangers' tables, when they were defiling His Father's temple.


Starsky

[AloneAt35]

Thanks for understanding A Girl, but aren't I just shooting myself in the foot when I act this way?

If things EVER end with OW, I want to be in the position to at least reconcile our friendship. When I am cold and angry, don't I diminish that likelihood?

[a girl]

Thanks for understanding A Girl, but aren't I just shooting myself in the foot when I act this way?

If things EVER end with OW, I want to be in the position to at least reconcile our friendship. When I am cold and angry, don't I diminish that likelihood?

I think so - which is why I advocate going dark. If he has OW, why should he get the pleasure of your company? How can you work on you, heal, become whole, if you keep being torn apart by him every day?

Going dark is for you - it's to protect you and let you heal. I'm 2 weeks out until I can (H is hopefully moving out Aug 1), and I can't wait to be given the gift of not having to deal with him anymore.

[AloneAt35]

True Starsky, but I am supposed to forgive him seventy times seven.

Truth is, if he asked for forgiveness even once, he would have it. But we aren't there yet and may never be.