HELP! Tried the 180/Last Resort & Failed - PART 2

[AloneAt35]

So Angry, SO ANGRY!!!

Ex-P just called me about having some bills put into my name in order for his life to be easier with OW.

I know the DB way is to rise above every situation and maintain civility. Well, call me a DB failure today.

I just didn't have it in me. I was assertive, abrupt, the anger in my voice was obvious and Ex-P noted it. He said, "You know this isn't about the money, its about OW." I was silent

The conversation was short. I reminded him of some bills he still has to pay. He said, "Well, maybe I can come over next week and get the bills and give you a ride to the grocery store."

After Saturday's heart-wrenching agony...the phone calls with OW, the tearful good-bye, I just laughed out loud and said "No thank you." A good DB-er would have put him off more politely. (Well, maybe not Starsky.)

Yes, I am a DB failure. However, after last Saturday I didn't need to be reminded about his need to pacify OW, I didn't need to be reminded that I am not loved, and I didn't need to provide him a method for assuaging his guilt for abandoning me with a RIDE TO THE GROCERY STORE.

Just when I convince myself that the tide may turn against Ex-P and OW, just when my faith in God tells me to love him like Jesus in spite of everything, just when I believe God is seeing and working on Ex-P, I am thrown into the dirt again.

I feel like I failed at DBing, I feel I failed in my faith by not being loving and peaceful on the phone, I feel like for some reason I'm not worthy of Ex-P's love and that despite all my prayerful contrition for ANYTHING that I may have done wrong in life, even God looks away from me.

I really don't know how much more I can take. At the start of this, I resolved never to fall into bitterness, never to have negative interactions with Ex-P, never to lose trust in God or behave in an un-Christian way, never to stop loving unconditionally - and here I have failed at ALL of it and all at once.

I just feel like I can't have any more to do with Ex-P until OW is out of the picture. That may never happen, but he can't continue to see these glimpses of an ugly person inside of me that I didn't know existed.