So it's almost a week since I have gone completely dark. I've had some very good days and very hard ones to. In The good days I'm feeling happy outgoing and even confident in my future no matter what becomes of my marriage. The bad days consist of wanting to share my feelings with her and asking her to open up to me. I am convinced that if it is an OM it must've been as she was out of the country and she may still be emotionally attached to that experience. Knowing her character if this is true is tearing her apart. Parts of me wants to confront her about it. But what if it's not true. I am determined to wait it out for as long as I can in the hope that she will come to me and initiate a conversation. We haven't really had any meaningful conversations about our relationship for over a week. I am Returning back to my passions of Art and design I really find healing in my work. Taking time to work out and pray also become comforting for me. Yesterday we sat down to see TV and our hands touch for the first time in days she grabbed my hand and said " nice to meet you" with a sad look in her face. I said" are you okay" and she looked away.
I am ready for anything at this time. All that concerns me is this waiting process and what is happening in between us. Is this distance drifting us further apart or bringing us closer together? I am so ready for a conversation. Parts of me wants it more for her than for myself. I believe she knows she must be completely honest about her feelings. Because I am not really buying this" I am not in love with you anymore reason". I believe it is a cheap excuse to hide some more hurtful feelings. And even now I want to be here for her more than for me.
She rarely makes direct eye contact with me. She doesn't dress or undress in front of me. She kisses me goodnight. She patt my head or puts her arms around me if she passes by me in our hallways. She gave me a good hug a couple of days ago and I know she felt I did not response to her. I could tell by the way she pulled away. She keeps to herself on the computer or just listening to music. She stopped the I L U after I stopped saying it. She still calls me honey or baby even though she has used my name more often than before. She comes straight from work home and has stopped socializing with most of her friends. Overall she looks sad and scared. I don't know if these observations come because I have gone dark.
Can 16 years of the amazing history together and 3 kids which are our lives be enough leverage for her to understand there is no easy way out. is my silent making her we evaluate her emotions? I need so help figuring out the signs of her behavior and maybe some insight on what happens after the silence...
