She basically said that my W isn't trying for sh!t. And that what I can do is address my issues for my "next" relationship.
There isn't much she can do for us.
I got home and the impact of my session kind a hit me hard. I realized that my feelings of love for my W are gone. She's this nice friend who lives in my house.
My M is DOA. There won't be a new one resurrected. the only thing I can do is how to figure our how to deal with her for the next 40 years.
I am done, really. I don't know how these guys can hang on for years. It's been about 8 months since the initial bomb and frankly, we are about as far apart now as then.
She is completely unwilling to even try. It makes sense. She doesn't love me, I can see that and I can feel that. I'm not stupid. I've just been fooling myself into thinking that she might have those feelings buried or could get those feelings back.
Every hug or kiss from a month ago was pure pity, PURE PITY.
The lunch last week and spending 15 of alone time, is just a courtesy, really.
She barely makes any time for me at all. Her work friends get more attention from them. She went all out for her Bosses (Female) birthday. I doubt she'd put the energy into something like that for me.
Heck, for father's day she could barely muster a card.
She's selfish, inconsiderate, moody and has been her whole life. Her family knows this. Her friends know it. Her whole EA is a perfect example of that. I mean I was in distress last year and possible suicidal. What does she do? The one thing I was worried about. Why? to make her feel better - our M, my feelings, our kids be damned.
Now I have to figure out how to navigate the situation until I can move out. It will be tough.
Since there is no section for the still married, but not filing, not piecing, not whatever. I will be taking a little break from here.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Hey Harrier, sorry to hear about your IC session. I had some similar ones. No good advice to offer, but I'll be hoping your week gets better and your W comes around. Sounds like your beach vacation was pretty good - maybe that was progress?
I hear the same crap from my IC, almost on a weekly basis. While an IC may be a "professional", it's really up to you to decide what you are willing to put up with and what is best for you. Take IC's input, but it certainly shouldn't be the end-all, be-all.
You went from "I love my wife in every way" to "my feelings of love for my W are gone" in 24 hours. Does that seem reasonable?
I have similar feelings. I know the grass could be greener on the other side. My IC continues to guide me toward doing what is best for me. I appreciate that, and understand it is her job. All that being said, here's what keeps me going:
1. I love W and am very attracted to her, emotionally and physically. 2. W and I staying together is by far best for our kids. 3. I know this process continues to make me a better person. I am and will continue to be a great husband. If W wants to throw that away, that's her loss. 4. If this ends in D, then years from now I want to be able to look in the mirror and look my kids in the eyes and tell myself/them that I did everything I possibly could to save our M, and know deep down that it is true.
Don't stop believin'....
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
H - I think this is fantastic. Let me explain. It is my theory (and I'm only 1 guy so take it for what it's worth), that the LBS MUST get to the point you just described before they can really detach and therefore have the real possibility of reconciliation. Re-read my sitch from early June. You'll see many of the same words you said in what I wrote. Will it turn around for you? I have no idea. But I don't think it's really possible until you get to the point you just described because only then can you really regain your strength and become attractive again. And I do think that getting to the point you made means you're starting to recognize that you'll be fine - even great - no matter which way it goes. That's progress in my book.
24 hours before my W made commitments to me to work on things, anybody in the world - and I mean anybody, professional, novice, whatever - would have told you that she was dead set on D and there was no chance of a change. Hell, my W is a therapist and yours is a p-shrink - and what the hell do they know? As J3B is fond of saying: "the future is written in smoke".
If you do take a break - and I get it, remember my 3 month break from here - you'll be missed.
M: 39 W: 37 Married: 9 D5; S3 "It's Over" 09/26/10 11 Day Sep 10/10 Piecing Starts 11/4/10 Piecing Fails 4/11 I move out 5/11 Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11 Piecing #2 - 6/22/11 Home 10/11
It is my theory (and I'm only 1 guy so take it for what it's worth), that the LBS MUST get to the point you just described before they can really detach and therefore have the real possibility of reconciliation
That's 2 guys who feel that way.
Take all the time you need Harrier, even if it only for a few days. Got other lines as well.
Harrier, I am the ever hopeful, I know that, I also know that sometimes its not what is needed or wanted. : )
No matter what happens this isn't going to kill you.
And if it doesn't kill you...
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
True love, I knew some thought of leavin' you. Bad thoughts I had, when valentines were due. Of all the many ways a man will break his heart, Well there ain't none meaner than he pulls his own apart
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
My W called me today to talk about what was going on. She could tell I was pretty upset last night/this morning.
W: So do you want talk about it?
M: Well, during the session I started to feel like maybe we didn't have the great of a marriage after all.
W: Yeah, we talked about how maybe the past was a little rosy, but I don't recall any specific instance where I thought at the time we had a bad marriage.
M: She also talked about how I need to work on things for my next relationship.
W: Well we kinda talked about how we need to work on things individually either for our marriage or other relationship. I think this kind of stuff goes beyond a romantic relationship, it applies in all relationships [Ed note: I think she was talking alot about herself] It is stuff that needs to be said though.
M: I kinda got the feeling it was like "why bother with this m?" [ed note: maybe not the best way to phrase it, but I was just going on what I thought the IC's message was]
W: Well, we really don't know what's going to happen. She doesn't know me, she doesn't know our marriage, she's only had 2 sessions with you. We don't know. I mean I hope we can use this to build a better marriage, but no one knows.
W: I'm not telling you I'm done.
M: I don't know there are times when I feel so lost.
W: Well, you know that you aren't alone in this. I'm here too and I feel that way too, but we are not alone.
She then gave me some pointers on how to have productive IC-client relationship.
I still need a break, but maybe it's not so dark out.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Harrier, glad you two could discuss it. I agree that after two sessions it would be hard for an IC to really understand the situation entirely. Heck, we're in them and don't totally understand them.
What your W said:
"Well, we don't really know what's going to happen......I mean I hope we can use this to build a better marriage, but no one knows."
Well, it sort of seems like she is sitting on the sidelines, watching the big game, instead of playing in it. My question would be: what do you WANT to happen? I'm sure you had the same question. A lot of this seems to be waiting, waiting, waiting for our spouses to get to a place where they recommit to the R.
Hey Harrier, your W's words lead me to think that she isn't agreeing with the IC.
IC's I think are all about ME. Thats why I have stopped going to one.
On another note .... may I hijack a little?
J3B, XYZ..... I wonder if it works the same for women? Coz one reason I haven’t been posting to my sitch lately are the following:
1. I have been worried that I am starting to lose my love for H – even my physical desire. A month ago I was still initiating ML, now I just don’t feel the urge.
2. In spite of it, I am suddenly feeling happy and content, able to focus now on work, enjoying my time with D, thinking of projects for the home (D and I are redecorating, with H’s blessing, so this seems good in terms of long term stability)... Is this
So I have let sleeping dogs lie and continue to enjoy our “roommate” situation…..and maybe someday we could become “friends with benefits” again…..
Harrier, it always helps when you realize that other people have been down the path we are now on .... and turned their marriage around. Doesn't it give you hope?
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
