HELP! Tried the 180/Last Resort & Failed - PART 2

[Jack_Three_Beans]

35,

Eventually he asked if I was mad at him. I said no and continued to ignore him.

Why did you do that? Why lie?
Instead letting yourself get more and more upset? Instead of the truth?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

"I didn't consider it an affair because our relationship was over - ..."

That is a pretty common statement.
It's a justification.

[AloneAt35]

A Girl,

Thanks for your insight. If that's the case, I don't know how he sleeps at night. I wish I knew for sure, I'd feel so much better actually knowing why he left - it would be a lot easier to endure knowing he had met someone than just being told that he had lost his feelings for me.

I have little love notes he hid around the house when he went out of town for work a few months before he ended things...that is why it was so hard for me to understand it when he said, "I can't remember the last time I really felt love for you..." I felt like screaming, "I DON'T KNOW, but I can tell you that it wasn't THAT long ago!"

I'm sorry it happened to you too.

[a girl]

A Girl,

Thanks for your insight. If that's the case, I don't know how he sleeps at night. I wish I knew for sure, I'd feel so much better actually knowing why he left - it would be a lot easier to endure knowing he had met someone than just being told that he had lost his feelings for me.

I have little love notes he hid around the house when he went out of town for work a few months before he ended things...that is why it was so hard for me to understand it when he said, "I can't remember the last time I really felt love for you..." I felt like screaming, "I DON'T KNOW, but I can tell you that it wasn't THAT long ago!"

I'm sorry it happened to you too.

You and I are so in the same boat I don't even know what to tell you.

The whole "re-writing history" thing is crap. It's something they do to make themselves feel better. Because if they *did* love you, then they'd be a bad person for doing this to you. But they don't, you just never understood that.

Lies, lies, lies - all told to make them feel better, to help them sleep at night, to help them feel like they didn't just give up and move on.

Lies.

[AloneAt35]

JackThreeBeans,

Why did I say I wasn't mad? Because I just didn't know what to say. I could have told him that I was furious and sickened by him at that moment but what would it had accomplished? Perhaps a big scene that seemed fruitless at that point.

My actions said what my words didn't. He was squirming. It was probably hard for him to feel rejected by me because he's never had to face that before. I'm a naturally 'warm' person - always chatting, talking, listening, supporting, touching, caring for whomever I'm with. But I just went cold, I didn't want to fight and I didn't even care about trying to get him to understand MY feelings.

If he cared about my feelings he wouldn't be doing what he's doing. Fact is, he doesn't care about my feelings so why get into with him. So I lied because I didn't want to talk about it - it wouldn't have gone anywhere anyway.

Was it a mistake? Did I miss an opportunity to DB?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Oh I agree your actions said otherwise.

I am sort of curious if by telling him that you were upset if that would have been a different way of communicating than in the past.

We all, (ok alot of us men and women) have heard "No." When we ask if our spouses are angry with us. When in truth they are.

Did I miss an opportunity to DB?

Can't tell if you are being sarcastic there.

Not really important if you are.

It was only an opportunity if it was changing a dynamic that might stand a little change.

Hell I miss opportunities to DB all the live long day. I do catch alot fo them though.

[AloneAt35]

No!!! NOT being sarcastic sensei!

My coldness was a MAJOR 180 in DB-speak. The old me would have tried to 'talk' it out! The new me just can't be bothered to try. Brick wall J3beans, he's been a brick wall since this began.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

sensei

I get enough Yoda thrown my way. Please don't add to it. : )

OK, so the coldness IS getting a response, as opposed to NO response.

Now are YOU ok with the change, the 180 can you handle it? If YOU cannot, then try another way. You need to figure it out.

If you would have talk for 20-30 minutes, instead just tell him and leave it alone? Not open for debate, just a flat out.

"Are you angry with me?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"You're here with me, in our house, talking with her, in front of me. I'm going to be upset, snookums."


Maybe leave the snookums part out.

and I am not telling you what to say...just offering a possible 'change'

[seeking answers]

AA35,

I can tell you that everything your P said is pure script. We've all heard some version of the things he said to you, if not almost verbatim.

Those things are said to justify what they've done or are doing.

The saying around here is to believe none of what they say, and only 50% of what they do. There's a reason that phrase was coined, it's because it's common for all WAWs to give the LBS some version of the same 'speech'.

My H, and I, had the same type of R that you and your P had in that we seldom argued. We got along very well. H and his ow argue a lot. IDK, maybe he's addicted to the drama now. It was the last thing he wanted in his life pre MLC or at least that was what he always said.

It's very common around here to hear the LBS say they don't know the person who now inhabits our WAWs mind and body.

Hang in there, you're doing great.

[Starsky309]

JackThreeBeans,

Why did I say I wasn't mad? Because I just didn't know what to say. I could have told him that I was furious and sickened by him at that moment but what would it had accomplished? Perhaps a big scene that seemed fruitless at that point.

35,

There are a WHOLE HOST of responses in between "I'm OK with you flaunting your affair in front of my face" and "big scene."

Some that come to mind:

"Yes, I'm angry. Flaunting your affair in front of me when we're still married is INCREDIBLY direspectful."

or

"Actually, I'm more disgusted than angry."

or

Just stare at him blankly, shake your head in disgust, and say "Wow." and/or "Unbelievable."