HELP! Tried the 180/Last Resort & Failed - PART 2

[AloneAt35]

Hi Everyone,

Here is my old thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2150160#Post2150160

I'm starting a new thread because I've exceeded the 100 post limit. I thank everyone for the amazing support I've received. Today was a major milestone in the dissolution of my relationship. It was so painful.

The day I first came to Divorce Busting 2 1/2 months ago was very much like this day. I never thought I could endure what I endured both that day or today, yet I endured it. It was probably a MISTAKE to put myself in the situation that I endured today, but hindsight is 20/20. Here is what happened:

Just to review, over the last few weeks Ex-P seemed to be making efforts to reach out to me. First came the meeting at the bank where he was staring at me and telling me how good I was doing, then came the unexpected phone calls, then came his attempts to come over and get the rest of his stuff when he knew I would be home, then came the offer to bring me groceries and take me to run errands, then came the weird offer to drive 45 minutes to take me to work because he was worried about me riding my bike in the rain, then last Tuesday came an offer I finally accepted because it was so nice (or rather, it appeared to be nice). The offer was to come over and finish the home improvement projects he was working on before he left out of the blue four months ago, and he also said that he might want to make me my favorite dinner 'if he had time.' He also arranged to get the rest of his stuff, which I said would be good. I laughed when he talked about making me dinner and I said that the home repairs would be quite enough and very appreciated. Then I told him in a half-joking way that he must be feeling mighty guilty about something. He became very serious and said, "Well, its just that when [/i] this happened[i] [as though abandoning me was an act of nature]...its just that when this happened I thought we would always be able to be friends and now I realize that soon I won't *have time*." Not 'having time' refers to the fact that OW is coming to live with him in his new house in a few weeks. I said "Fine, I'll see you Saturday." The next day I thought I may have made a mistake but then on Thursday he called again just to make sure I was still interested in the offer...I shouldn't have agreed but I did. I figured, well, at least it will give me an opportunity to DB.

Big mistake.

The day started weird, he was an hour late and he looked like heck warmed over and was visibly upset. I asked if he was okay and he said he had been fighting with OW for a day. We ended up going on a long and un-fun drive (long story) during which OW called. I was treated to listening to them fight and I have to say, Ex-P was an absolute a**hole to her. She hung up on him and he looked at me and said, "I hope you think I handled that okay?" I said, "No comment" and just looked out the window. Basically they had been fighting for a day about how he has been slow to sort out his affairs with me and why he is being so "nice" about things. OW apparently demanded that Ex-P hand over his/our financial records to her so that she could take charge of deciding 'what I deserved' and Ex-P refused. (Ex-P did tell me to take the money he put in the bank for me and run as fast as I could to put it somewhere 'safe'.) Then she told him that she was "watching him" and that it might not happen in a month, or even six months, but she would find out if he had been helping me and there would be heck to pay. Ex-P then mumbled something like "If she stays crazy I'm just gonna..." and then he went silent.

Ex-P then said that OW doesn't trust him even though he swears that his ties to me are only "logistical and not emotional" [knife in my heart]...Ex-P then recognized the irony of what he said by commenting on how he was deceiving her by spending the day helping me, so her lack of trust was merited. I reminded him that I never asked for his help.

Then things went further south.

We got home and the following hours were spent watching him work on repairs while he took phone call after phone call from OW as they 'made up' from the big fight. I had to listen to him grovel and tell her he loved her about a dozen times. I had to listen to a sweetness in his voice that I haven't heard in years. It was making me sick.

During this time I simply became ice cold - I just couldn't take any more. Every time his phone would ring I would walk outside. Eventually he asked if I was mad at him. I said no and continued to ignore him. Then he got exasperated and said, "I feel like I have failed everyone emotionally today!" Then I just snapped; I said really sarcastically, "Well, I guess you are just a failure."

It was a nasty thing to say and I regretted it. Over the next two hours (while fielding phone calls from OW) Ex-P kept asking me over and over why I was being mean and why he was a failure...he was really hurt. I said, "I am sorry, perhaps I am in a rotten mood."

When the repairs were done he packed up the last of his stuff. Then he sat really close to me on the couch. We were silent for a long time. I didn't talk but eventually he did. He filled me in on a lot of crazy stuff with OW...like how she has told everyone (including her son) that Ex-P's new house is actually her new house and that she is moving to take a new job (she is from another state) and that Ex-P is just a friend who will be staying with her. I said, "Won't her son realize that you are more than just a friend when you are sleeping in Mommy's room?" He said that he wasn't going to be allowed to sleep in OW's room until her son was comfortable around Ex-P. Then he said that her son had asked why Ex-P was going to live in "their new house" and Ex-P was worried what he would do or say if OW's son wanted him to leave his own house! Then Ex-P looked at me and said, "Its pretty messed up isn't it?" I said, "totally." Then Ex-P tried to rationalize it by claiming that OW thought her son was just too young to understand the idea of living in another person's house. I said that most 8-year old children can understand the concept of home ownership. What I failed to remind Ex-P was that OW and her son were living in another man's house when Ex-P met her but her son wasn't confused by that situation.

Then Ex-P told me I should start dating. I said, "soon enough." [Knife wound directly to my heart.] He said he was glad I was doing better emotionally.

He then talked some more about OW's jealousy. He said, "I tell her over and over that I don't have romantic feelings for you and that I only stayed with you out of a sense of responsibility!" [Another MAJOR knife in my heart.] I then nicely told him that I thought it was time for him to be going. He hemmed and hawed a little bit and then got up.

He took his last boxes to the car and then came back inside where I was ignoring him. (It was either ignore him or punch his lights out.)

Then he started crying. I said, "Why are you crying? Please don't cry." He said, "I just feel so bad..." I said, "I don't want your worry or your pity or your help or anything else at this point, so don't feel bad." He said, "Well can I at least have one last hug then?"

I said yes and got up to hug him. While we were hugging he was crying and he said, "I don't know if I'll see you again." I didn't know what to say so I said, "Just be careful." (It was the only thing I could think to say after seeing him dealing with OW all day...he seems so fragile and messed up.) Then I got choked up too but he stopped hugging me. (I would have held on too long.)

Then he walked to the door and his voice was shaking and he said, "We'll be in touch right?" And I said, "Who knows?"

And that's how twenty beautiful years ended. I think we both know that we crossed a threshold today. I think we both know that he won't turn back now.

I never got my special dinner and I never will. But I did get an especially rotten day. I didn't even try to DB today, I had a day of relinquishing control. He's in God's hands now. For the last 2 1/2 months I have DBed my tushy off, but I couldn't stop what was happening. It hurts like nothing else.

He really hasn't wanted me for ten years and you know what, I hope he finds what he is looking for.

[a girl]

Oh .. you poor thing. Just .. take care of you now. ((hugs))

[AloneAt35]

Thanks A Girl. I'm hurting so bad. When Ex-P left, sobs came out of me that made sounds I have never heard before. I kept hoping Ex-P would miraculously email when he got home. It didn't happen. Over the last four months he's never waivered on his lack of *spark* for me. Even if OW was out of the picture, I suspect he'd just move on to someone else.

I've been taking care of me the best I can because I'm all I've got now. I feel almost as bad today as the day he dropped the bomb, and I never thought that was possible.

[seeking answers]

The ow is a predator! All is not what it seems. She will chew your XP up and spit him out. If he lets her get a hold of his financial dealings it's all over for him. JMO, but I think your X is just a mark for her. Wouldn't surprise me that she has a partner that is in cahoots with her. (No, I haven't been watching too many movies. LOL)

There are many red flags in this whole sitch with her and him.

MLCer's are famous for being confused and making very poor decisions. Their minds are so fogged up they literally can't think straight. Your XP is ripe for being played like a fiddle.

Please protect yourself A, by doing what your XP suggested and putting the money he gave you somewhere safe.

Get yourself detached from this because I believe there will be more drama to come. Don't put yourself in the position where you have to deal with this kind of thing again.

Your XP is definitely going to find out the grass in not greener.

I also do not believe his feelings for you are gone, they're buried for the time being. This is not said to give you false hope. So many things in this whole scenario do not add up.

Keep taking care of yourself A. You're going to come through this like many of the LBs do, in a much better place than your XP will.

(((Hugs)))

[~¤DG¤~]

I have this sinking feeling in my stomach that she is going to move in with him, and then they'll break up and he'll come running back to you with his tail in between his legs.

He doesn't sound like he is very happy, and it doesn't sound like OW is rational either. He dug himself a pretty big hole for himself that he is going to have to deal with. The good news is you won't be around for him to drag you down also.

As much as this experience today hurt, I think you handled yourself very well.

[rinserepeat]

How painful! But honestly... you did handle yourself VERY well. He just put himself in an impossible situation. It will never work.
I wouldn't blame you in the least if you were ready to wash your hands of him at this point. But I'm putting my bets on him coming back. You've been his friend and support. He's going to turn to you.
Now focus on YOU. PMA, GAL. If he's going to look back down the road, what will he see? try not to let thoughts gravitate to him and ow. But at least you know they are not a happy loving couple. She's going to torture him. He's going to get just what he deserves! And no matter what relationship he finds himself in, it will never work until he's ready to look at his issues.
Great spiritual growth and awareness takes place in times of pain. If nothing else you can take away a greater wisdom and understanding.
Hugs.

[rinserepeat]

Once again I have to say, you are going through an experience so like mine with my exh, I feel like I'm reading my own story.
I used to post under a different screen name, I should look for my old threads and show you.
I was a mess, yet I survived. More than survived, I'm better than I was before the experience. You will ok. You're not going to crash and burn.

[Starsky309]

35,

I haven't followed your sitch, so maybe I'm missing something. If so, I apologize, but ...

Why do you allow your husband to talk to his affair girlfriend in FRONT of you? This is horribly disrespectful, and it's sapping your emotional health, I can feel that just from your few most recent posts.

What am I missing?

Starsky

[AloneAt35]

Thank you everyone. For those of you who think Ex-P will be back...I'll just say that his issues are so huge (issues of the intimacy variety - real biggies) and he 'checked out' so long ago, that now that I look back at it, its hard to see any hope.

I love him so much, we were the best of friends, and I have always had such a strong connection/attraction to him that I want him back more than anything...but it seems impossible that he would ever come back to me because he DIDN'T have those feelings for me for SO LONG (like I've mentioned before, we had a virtually sexless relationship for the last ten years at his choosing - "IT" didn't happen unless I initiated and even then he was often hesitant or rejected me).

Starsky, you are right. I didn't mean to put myself in that situation and I was clear once it started that he had to take his phone calls elsewhere (I suggested he leave at one point) but I should have been MUCH more firm because I still overheard more than I wanted to hear.

As for OW being his affair partner, he claims it isn't so. He claims he met her on a dating site a few days after he told me it was over between us, so the official story is that he wasn't cheating and she isn't an 'affair partner'...Therefore he has no guilt about speaking to her in front of me. Honestly, I don't know WHAT to believe. I'll admit, the story seems so incredulous that many people think I'm a fool to believe it. However, there weren't any signs of an affair until the very end (he got very weird in the last few weeks before dropping the IDLYAM bomb - I have a long, painful post about his behaviors during that period on my old thread). But even trusting his timeline of events, he still continued to sleep in my/our bed even after having been with her (without me knowing of course). After he admitted he'd met someone I said he had to STAY OUT OF MY BED and get a new place to live - which he did. But 'technically' (according to his timeline) he had already said our relationship was over, so he's exonerated from the cheater category.

Yes, my mental health has been bad the past few days. I so hoped that he was moving back towards me. I resisted seeing him when he first made overtures because I didn't want to get hurt, but I told myself that if I didn't take the chance, I'd never know.

Now I know.

I guess he just wanted to see me one last time to say goodbye, as 'friends' of course. I could have lived without that goodbye.

Yes, maybe someday in the future I'll take comfort in the fact that he cared enough about me to cry when he realized he wouldn't be seeing me anymore. Maybe I'll take comfort in the fact that they don't seem to treat each other nearly as decently as we treated each other. But he chose her (and supposedly it was already AFTER he said he didn't want to be with me anymore, which hurts even worse than if it had only been an affair).

Yes, things aren't very good in AA35 world at the present moment. But they've been worse and I always bounce back.

[a girl]

As for OW being his affair partner, he claims it isn't so. He claims he met her on a dating site a few days after he told me it was over between us, so the official story is that he wasn't cheating and she isn't an 'affair partner'...

Sweetie, this is a lie he's telling himself so he doesn't feel like the swine that he is.

My H tried the same thing - "I didn't consider it an affair because our relationship was over - I was just moving on to my next relationship."

It's amazing how many lies they will tell, to themselves, to us .. to feel better about something so horrible.