MLC, I am sorry to upset you or worry you. That is not my intention.
I have DBed for 3 years (he left and came back twice within that time). Now that he left for the 3rd time, I have finally found alanon and I am going to 3-4 meetings a week. Its been very helpful in finding myself and what I want most. I have gained back a lot of self esteem and I realize I am not done with my M.
None of alanons principles say to leave the Alcoholic you love in the dust - they dont give advise. They teach you how to live with and love someone who is actively drinking or not. They teach you to have and find compassion for them because its a disease. They teach you, that no matter what you do (even leaving and threatening a D) will have no effect on their alcohlism because its a disease and we and they are powerless over it. They teach you that the only person that can bring you happiness or sorrow is your own self, I am in control of my own emotions only - as you are of yours. They teach you to look to your Higher power for guidance and to use alanon for the experience strength and hope that comes from the others that are in the group living in the same situations. Many people in my alanon group are living with their alcoholic spouses and making it work, becuase they have the program to help us through those difficult times/crisis that may come up. We all understand, its a DISEASE and that it is ok to still love someone with that disease. It doesnt make them a bad person, even though they may sometimes make bad choices. An analogy they give as an example is that: you would still love your spouse if they had pnemonia, and you would not get mad at them for coughing with that disease, RIGHT???? - So its not any more right for us to get mad at the alcoholic for drinking (which is the symptom of their disease). They also teach us, that we can love an alcoholic, but not enable them anymore by bailing them out of trouble, or accepting degrading situations.
If you have literature from your alanon days, it might help you to go back and look at some of it. Did you do the 12 step work?, that should be a reminder to you that alanon is all about making OURSELVES better people, making amends to those we've hurt, ridding ourselves of our shortcomings, and to stop trying to control anyone else but ourselves -we all have a higher power and WE are NOT it!!!!!!!
My H realizes that he has a drinking problem (as did his father). His Father still drinks 2-3 beers a day,and never more, and he no longer lets it be a PROBLEM. Not many men can do that, but he does it, and Yes, its with out the help of A.A. His mother and father are still happily married and have a very full responsible and respectful life together despite his earlier heavy drinking days previous to 20 YEARS AGO.I feel this guy deserves a pat on the back, not to be put down by others that dont even know him.
Most of the trouble My H has had due to drinking is loosing friends/employees and respect from others for leaving me so many times. He had gone through a bankruptcy from buying too much construction equiptment all at once, about 4 years ago, but thats when his heavy drinking started. Thats also when he left me in a deep state of depression and started pursuing other women (He has never dated any of them). Since then,He has had 3 ALMOST DWI's but got out of ALL 3 of them and was never charged on those occasions. I have not seen him drink and drive in this past three wks of us hanging out and I will not enable it.
The worst thing my H has done in my eyes, has left our M several times. Then only to come crawling back. I know I love him, and I am not ready to give up on my M as your suggesting. Our situation is not great, but it is not merely as bad as your making it sound.
He has not been sober, I have discussed this with my Alanon groups and they have been very supportive of me and helping me realize that I need to not push him to get sober (its fruitless). The more inaction I take on that behalf the better off my mind will be. I can not manage his sobriety. But I do have choices of my own. They are: -He is not going to move back in until I am ready (We already discussed at least two months - since thats how long he was gone this time). -I will not ride with him if he is drunk. -I will not call or pusue him if he is at the bars all week. -We have our first Marriage counceling appointment set for next wednesday, and he has agreed that we need outside help. -I am ok with him controlling his drinking (if he ever finds that possible - like his dad does) I can live with that. The Question is just whether or not he will be able to do that. -I still go to alanon, and dont forsee myself stopping anytime soon and he is ok with that and happy to see me healing. -I will not avoid awkward situations on his behalf; such as hanging with my family or friends. He has allready gone to several of these types of functions with me and things have gone rather smooth. -I choose to let go and to let GOD. that means, what ever happens in my life is gods will and not mine. I see gods guidance all around me and its telling me to stand for my M.
I'm not so sure I agree with you calling me text book co-dependent anymore. I can,and have lived on my own. I know I can take great care of myself. I have more of a social life than anyone that I know. I am active with sports and activities of all sorts. I focus on my talents and skills with my art and I am entering a contest in the state fair. I am a woman that can make adult decisions. I am able to state what I want. I am not scared of my own shadow and speaking my mind when its called for.I know I dont need my H in my life - but I want him to be in my life, we bring each other much happiness!!! I dont have to put up with degrading situations, if my H goes back to drinking at the bar every single night, HE KNOWS that I wont be around waiting for him.
Right now, my H has been asking me a lot about the a.a. and alanon programs. He has been awfully curious and I am grateful to see that by not offering to hold his hand and bring him to meetings, he's actully starting to seem interested. I will not push it though. He wants to do the MC and I am grateful for that. I asked at alanon, and found suggestions from many other spouses of active alcoholics that reffered me to a C with much experience on the topic.
One day at a time, I will be fine. I enjoy life too much to not be grateful for everyday I get!!! TIPPER
