So Starsky-in other words - we can't talk about it here. It would mean exposing the A? Is that right? I dont know but I think either my brain isn't working and I am not following or you guys are talking in code!
Life,
Hi, I am responding here from your last post on Bobby's thread.
Jack, I know it is over 100, but no new thread yet.
Originally Posted By: lifejustgothard2
So Starsky-in other words - we can't talk about it here. It would mean exposing the A? Is that right? I dont know but I think either my brain isn't working and I am not following or you guys are talking in code!
What we are talking about in general is looking at, engaging with, communicating with, interacting with the MLCer/WAS while the affair is ongoing.
If your husband is actively involved in an ongoing affair the best course of action is to leave them alone, look away, do not watch as they rip apart their lives.
Now you said something about exposing the affair. There has been much debate on this too, which also brings up confrontation with your spouse.
Most people come here far after the affair has been brought into the light so this advice usually does not apply and from a quick look at your situation, your H knows you know about the OW......right??
If your H knows you know and is continuing the affair then any attention you give it will only reinforce the affair further and often will paint you as "crazy" in the eyes of your spouse, even though they are the one acting crazy.
I see that you have maintained N/C with your H......BRAVO!!!!
Keep that up............
IT IS FOR YOU however......
NOT to provoke a response from your H......
It very well may provoke a response but that is not the purpose of N/C. No Contact is to protect you........
If you have contact with your H while he is still seeing the OW it will almost certainly cause you pain and you will typically do and say the wrong things.
Your H will eventually break no contact and that is when you have your opportunity to say......
" H, you are having or you have had an affair with OW. You are still in contact with OW. That hurts me and it is destroying our marriage and our family. I can not be in contact with you at all while you are engaged in this behavior. I love you and would like to work on our marriage but that can not happen until you stop. When you stop I would be happy to sit down with you and talk about what working on our marriage would involve."
It is simple to say............
very, Very, VERY hard to do..........
If you are able to pull this off, more than likely he would turn and leave again.......for awhile.........
and this is where the patience comes in.....
He may try to contact you again and again.
but until he meets your conditions for contact with you, you simply can not interact with him.
It will hurt you if you do, I promise.
Stick your hand in the fire and you WILL get burned, that is how sure I am.
Meanwhile you focus on YOU!!!!!!
That is why we say turn away.........
To study MLC or WAS syndrome helps to understand "why" our spouses might be doing what they are doing.......but make no mistake........
You may acurately diaganose the problem but there is no amount of medicine, no surgery, no words, nor actions you can take to fix what is wrong with your spouse.......so to stay in one place and look too long is not healthy for YOU.
YOU WILL GET STUCK.
The other thing to know is that this will take TIME.
far longer than you think.
You can make it longer by doing and saying the wrong things.
Most of us do and say the wrong things..........I DID......
and I did so for a very long time......despite what the good people here were telling me to do.
Life, you are doing the right thing.....the thing that will work......not neccessarily to save your marriage......it might save it but there are no guarantees.
What you will find is that in order to have a chance at saving your marriage YOU MUST first save yourself.
YOU CAN NOT SAVE YOURSELF while you are trying to save your spouse. He must learn to save himself also......but you can't even tell him this......
He thinks that what he is doing right now is saving himself....
THAT IS WHY you have to dis-engage.
And that is what you are doing.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
