another really fun weekend with the kids. Again a trip to the beach. We are trying to go to numerous beaches in the area instead of the same old one. Last week, I picked a new one. This week my W did.
On the drive back, I was making her crack up again and I haven't seen her do that in a while. My W is pretty funny too My 4-year-old is big into Dinosaurs and we were making jokes. My W was always talking about the "Crack-a-dawn" My son goes, Mommy, what kind of dinosaur is that." So we made up that dinosaurs.
Later I was thinking about this trip to the beach and how I am totally different. We left late, traffic was rough, we had to pay $$$ for a parking spot and it was crowded as heck. Before I would have been p!ssed we left late (my pet peeve) and let my W know, I would have complained about the traffic and the cost of parking then with the crowds would have been like "this a waste."
This time I just enjoyed the trip. I was saying things like 'we are in no hurry." "$20 for parking. that's not bad, at least are close and we'd paid $20 no matter when we go here." I don't know if W even picks up on those things.
We did a bit of talk and my W got the idea that she wants to spend a week on the Cape in August - just relaxing. We had originally planned to go on vaca to DC in Aug. But that kinda fell through.
I think between us, kids and her job, the idea of a lazy vacation is appealing to my W. I'm going to try to explore that idea a little more.
But she has to know this will affect the proposed move-out date. We had talked about Aug. 1, but I don't see how that is going to to work. Neither of us has brought it up.
I have another appt with my new IC, tonight. Now we are past the introductory appt.
I'm just trying to fit where I am and where we are. I've always claimed I wasn't piecing, but I'm not really headed toward the D either. I see others who's paths are clearer. Mine is murky.
Still nothing on the affection/marriage front. (didn't think that was going to change.) W did spend about 1/2 hour with me before going to bed and made a point of telling me she was doing exactly that. I kinda decided those don't mean what I think they mean - same with the the kisses and hugs earlier.
I know a few things. 1. I love my W in every way. 2. No. 1 doesn't change how she feels about me. 3. I'm okay with No.2. I mean I wish it were different, but it's not. 4. The only thing I'm sure of with my W is that I am her friend. 5. She looks good in a bikini. 6. I feel a little like X did. I mean I don't know how much more I can take. Part of me wants to let us off the hook by saying throwing in the towel.
I think I said last week about how I didn't know if I wanted to be with someone who didn't want me. Then how it's not my choice.
But I thought about this a little more (as I was folding laundry) It's not that I'm allowing the person to decide. I'm just taking that option off the table.
It's like this
"W, I love you and I know that my behavior has had a cost. This is the culmination of that. I don't know how you feel about me or if you can get romantic feelings back or if you want ML again, etc. I don't know if that will ever happen. This limbo is very difficult for me and I imagine for you as well. I think for my sanity and to preserve any positive feelings for you, I needed to move on with my life without you as a partner - in romance and in life. I think you can agree that this isn't the type of marriage either of us envisioned. We did have a great marriage and that will always be special to me. I will continue to be your partner with respect to the kids.
I'm always open to possibilities down the road, but it seems it's just to difficult of a spot for both of us."
I hate having these thoughts.
Of course, I'm not going to say that. But I imagine if things continue on this track, I can't see it going any other way.
Like I said. I'm starting to see that I don't need my W to make happy. I love her and enjoy her as a person and would love to rebuild our marriage with her. But if it doesn't' happen, I will find a new path. all this stuff was never about her...but me.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
