My last post was on 5/19. We have what I thought was piecing. W moved out I helped her. I basically redid her apartment and we became close. Spent alot of time together and sex was included. about a week ago we had breakfast together and she said that since my father was in hospital she wanted us to continue to be close ,but, since she has pulled away. Today I asked her why she has been so distant in the last 2 weeks and she replied that she had emotional trust issues. That led to a great day and tonite we went out for a drink and she dropped me off at the house we were formerly occuping with 3 kids and she said she was going home to appartment. well....come to find out she was at bar and lied had a prievious affair with FB friend 2 months ago. Spent last night with her and all was well. Or so I thought.Tonight she wasd at bar smoozing with a old work buddy and I am very hurt, someone who I thought I could trust. Is there any validity to " Once a cheater always a cheater" I have been working DB since march . My previous thread is " the end is near" in newcomers. What confuses me is that we have had wonderfull times since the bomb 3/26/11. W was ready to divorce me but after her affair she came around. Why now is she going back to the deception nand the partying after we have come so far????? any help would be appreciated,
She has agreed to building trust. And has gone as far as usurping my C as her own. yet still engages now in behavior that destroys trust.What is in her head. Is she affaid that I am getting close. Is this this self sabotage? I have been married for 16 years 3 kids ages 14 - 3 and I cant figurwe this out I am stressed what is going through her mind. Help!
I went back and read through parts of your old thread and what I see is your W had the deck stacked against her in her childhood.
She had a "crisis' childhood. While that doesn't doom one to expereince what she is doing it is one of the things that can affect people in their adult lives when the crisis child comes back for its pound of flesh.
I would encourage you to read through the resources here at the top of this forum about MLC.
Now it is my opinion that you shouldn't be too concerned with diagnosing your W as to understand that she is trying to reconcile crisis in her life.
Crisis you did not cause and that you can't fix.
Please read that again.
You have to remove yourself from her drama. Protect yourself and your children in every way you can be harmed:
Emotionally, financially and legally.
It will be hard for you to do this because you love her and she is the mother to your children
But
The person you have known in your M all these years is gone for now.
I hate to be so dramatic but would you let your dog back in the house if it was rabid?
Not the same thing but close or maybe worse in the damage it can cause you and your family.
You still love the dog but realize you can't let it back in until it is free of its sickness.
Bobby this is a tough card to draw.
Best to realize quickly that this is not going to right itself quickly and
Best to detach yourself from your W
Otherwise you will draw yourself and your family back into the storm.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
My previous thread is " the end is near" in newcomers. What confuses me is that we have had wonderfull times since the bomb 3/26/11. W was ready to divorce me but after her affair she came around. Why now is she going back to the deception nand the partying after we have come so far?????
Because she most likely never broke all contact with her OM. It is an addiction, and it's extremely hard to break.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments.
GAL. Detach. - The single most important thing you can do
You have been given a GIFT The gift of TIME. - Use is wisely.
Because she most likely never broke all contact with her OM. It is an addiction, and it's extremely hard to break.
And it is a symptom or a coping mechanism to the crisis. As is alcohol, drugs,over-spending, promiscuity, ....
The Affair and her behavior is "what" is happening.
The "why" is crisis.
Until she deals with the crisis your M will be in limbo.
That's one theory; I happen to disagree. There are plenty of so-called "mid-life crises" whose behaviors are simply that of someone addicted to an affair. What came first -- the chicken or the egg -- has been debated (and researched), and I have yet to read any conclusive evidence one way or another.
At a MINIMUM, someone caught up in a life crisis, who is also having an affair, will be strongly affected by each contact with their affair partner. It's physiological fact that such encounters stimulate the brain with endorphines called PEAs, and it makes it very difficult for any move back toward the marriage as long as they keep getting their "fix" in this way, regardless of whether or not there is an over-arching life crisis going on.
Dare I say this info. is not very encouraging!?! So, then what is it that usually makes them decided to work on the marriage? FOr the ones who decided to anyway. I realize not everyone gets out of their affairs.
will be strongly affected by each contact with their affair partner.
Just as an alcoholic is by drinking. I do not disagree Starsky.
The question becomes what can you do when an alcoholic is not ready to go to rehab?
When you drag them there.
You know what is best for them and you can even call the cops and have them comitted under the grounds they will harm themselves.
They will not have meaningful change in their life or their habit until THEY decide to do it.
Anyone who thinks they have that power over them there is a place called Al-Anon that deals with rescuing co-dependent behavior.
That is the rabbit hole you go down.
When the efforts to try to control what is going on fail...
there is a lot of anger, resentment and certain amount of holding yourself responsible for not being able to achieve the desired effect.
An LBS in the same situation runs this same risk.
This does not mean enable them either. It does not mean keep liquor out for the alcoholic to drink. They WILL find a drink whether you try to control that or not.
It becomes a question of the simple fact that you cannot control the addiction so control what you can...
Its effects on you and your family.
I know we have a different opinions on this Starsky and I respect yours. Mine comes from my life experience with a W in extreme crisis and alcoholic that lived in my home while this was going on. So my words are not based on anecdote or even a compilation of stuff I have read.
It came from my life.
Bobby my apologies for this coming out so early on your thread here but it is good to know that people do have different opinions on this topic.
Also that not all advice is appropriate for every situation. Which is why I encourage you to read and decide for yourself.
What is relevent is not whether your W is MLC or not. She is in crisis and so is your M.
The best way to handle that right now is removing yourself (detaching) from the emotion this is causing for you so you can do some clear headed thinking.
Set some healthy boundaries to allow that process to happen.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
It is only a reason it is happening, an explaination.....
If the explaination helps you......great.....
IF not.....so be it.
The Question is.........DO YOU LOVE YOUR WIFE???
DO YOU LOVE HER EVEN WHEN SHE IS NOT LOVING YOU BACK????
DO YOU LOVE HER ENOUGH THAT IF AND WHEN SHE STOPS HER NON-LOVING BEHAVIOR YOU WILL BE WILLING TO BUILD SOMETHING NEW???
If the presence of MLC helps you to this end then great......
if not.....so be it.
I have watched this debate rage on and I really don't understand why.....
The actions are the same......
I suppose the difference is where the motivation comes from....
The man-up, have a little self respect attitude might foster some anger or come across as coming from a place of anger which will sabotage any possible reconciliation effort and additionally will mess up the LBSer for a very long time.
Now with that being said, "If it motivates you to do the right thing then I will endorse it, however the internal work gets a little harder and additionally any anger that is sparked may come through and be preceived by the MLCer/WAS.
I don't think that by looking at what the person in crisis is going through and why, hurts the situation.....however I will also admit that some "get stuck" watching the train wreck......some get stuck for years, unfortunately.
That is why again the advice is UNIVERSAL........
LOOK AWAY......
DO NOT ENGAGE.....
FOCUS ON YOU......
That is the first step in almost ever situation where infidelity is involved...........
and if the infidelity is active.......the advice is more salient.
Bobby,
I am sooo sorry you are back here too. Who know what is going on with your W.......I would definitely say that your W has some really deep issues......YOU CAN NOT FIX HER.
PROTECT YOURSELF....PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY, LEGALLY, and FINANCIALLY.
PROTECT YOUR KIDS ALSO in the same ways.
IF YOU STILL LOVE YOUR W which I will assume you do......
Then when she asks why you are choosing not to be around her you can simply say.....
" W while I do still love you, I can not be around you nor communicate with you while you are involved in behaviors 1,2,3,4...., it hurts me and our family. When you stop behaviors 1,2,3,4...., I will be glad to sit down with you to discuss the possibility of having a relationship with you and what that would entail."
Less is more here.
Actually Less is always more.......
usually the person that talks more in most interactions, takes away less from the interaction......make sense???
Hope this gives you some direction.......there is so much more, it will take TIME......that is the other UNIVERSAL thing in all situations.........it takes a VERY LONG TIME.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
