Wow, I just have to say I have been on my own rollercoaster the past several weeks getting a life, and my grandmother passing has brought me to this past week exhausted and raw. This weekend, my GAL was just resting, regaining my own strength and spending time with my D16 when she was not working. Today I am in a much better place.
On Tuesday of this week my FIL celebrated his 70th birthday. My D16 wanted to continue with the traditional ice cream celebration we have always had for my in-laws, so I contacted MIL and she was fine with it and even planned a meal to go along with it. Because I my H is so far in the tunnel I decided to extend an invitation to him to come as well. I really did not expect he would come, even though it is his own father, but H showed, and I was glad for him to spend some time with our D. It was a pleasant enough experience and I believe my FIL had a great time. As far as H was concerned I only looked at him as a family member and nothing more. I did not go out of my way to do or say too much too him, but stayed in the moment of the conversations. We even sat next to each other as we ate and he cut the cake as I served it. I felt very ambivalent toward H and next day I really started to question my own feelings for him. Why would I want this man back?? Then I think all the holding myself up and guarding myself from hurt came crashing down, and I cried, for several days I cried. I started the whole self-defeating thought processes, why wasn't I good enough? Why wasn't D good enough? Why weren't we important enough to want to work on our marriage? Our family? UGH! Just typing this pisses me off.
But, I realized that I have had a lot going on with my life and this week the unemployment ran out, I have a car in the shop, and I was just plain feeling sorry for myself. So yesterday and today I have been regaining my strength and my position. I am looking at my blessings and thank God for them. Even this pain, confusion and rejection I feel is a blessing as it continues to teach me about the person I am and who I want to be. It is a blessing that through all of this I am becoming closer to the Lord and my D. I am remembering that I can take care of myself with or without a man and who the heck wants a whiny crybaby anyway? Not me!! I am not that person. I am a good whole person who is kind, caring, happy (most of the time), adventurous and quite crafty (though I haven't found too much time for that lately). I have faith in a God who keeps his promises and I most thankful for that. I am asking all to pray for me as I have applied for another position that I would really love to get if it is God's will. Pray for me to stay focused on Him.
Blessings!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
