I so appreciate the advice and recommendations. My concern is that I find the principles of db to be counterintuitive, so I doubt everything I want to say and worry about his response. I just need some guidance because I don't want to screw this up. "I wanted to be with you until our time on earth ends. But if your choice to journey without me contributes to your happiness, than I want that too. I prefer to spend my life with you. But as long as I know you are happy, then I am good."
Just kidding! I didn't send that! (But that's what I want to say.) In fact, I haven't yet responded. I'm waiting because I'd rather reply when the sense of urgency and excitement subsides, so that my words come from a place of greater peace & contentment. I've thought about some things I can share with him about what I'm up to. I'm going to tell him about the classes I took and how I am now an alumni in a program called upon to participate in mediation and conflict resolution. And about some of the projects I'm doing as a community leader. He often encouraged me to become involved in politics since it interests me, but I have no desire to do that. However this past year I have become active in community service & it has become a passion over the past year and I have participated in a few big projects that serve underprivileged in a poor neighborhood. I think he will find that intriguing and probably surprising. Hopefully appealing. I would also like to tell him that I cook at home now, which I never did before. I ate out or had delivery every single meal for decades. I often served him breakfast in bed, but never cooked beyond breakfast fare. But now I belong to my local csa and D & I cook several times a week. Not sure how to work that in to a text, but I will mention a yummy meal or make a joke about it somehow. I would like to tell him about the recent death of my friend & how it's affected me. Not divulging all this at once. I'm going to give him reason to wonder more and reveal more little by little. My plan and goals? For now, the only baby step goal is a text repore. Hoping that will lead to a phone conversation where it will be easier to discern intention & interest by tone. Next would be meeting in park some evening for some convo & relaxed fun together in the summer night air. He's more serious minded than I, and I know he appreciated my silliness and he loved that I could make him laugh. I would just show him that and become his friend. Then maybe a "date" night to a concert or dinner where we may just enjoy each other and joke around. Have some laughs and rediscover our friendship. I wouldn't push or lead into any more than that. But if he held me or kissed me at some point, I would reciprocate. ;o) Somewhere in that "pal" stage, our r will come up. And then we can have the discussion about it. And we will confess our feelings for each other and decide if it's something we want to act on. If it is... then we have a load of work to do. He's probably resistant to therapy, so a lion's share will fall on me. That's ok.
1 step at a time...