Reconstructing the LBS

[Truegritter]

I decided to put this in its own topic because it is what I wanted to share with some of you in particular as you move through this (Country, 2step, Denver to name a few of you)

I think it applies to all LBS's and I will preface this by saying this comes from my own experience. If you want to know what that is. It is here on these boards and in my own threads.

I do not write this to suggest that it is the ONLY way. It was MY way and if it helps you then take it and use i.t I am happy to share it with you and ask that you pass along what was given to me, that I give to you today, if you find it has meaning and truth to you.

This tragedy and the choices of your spouse against you is probably the toughest thing you will ever have happen to you in your life. It is certainly a traumatic event to say the least because it is the destruction of your life and what you thought you could trust and believe in about love and sharing your life with someone.

When that belief and trust is shattered you have to feel and deal with its loss. You can go in any number of directions:

-run away
-blame and get angry
-you can beg or plead
-you can try to coerce, control and punish

In the end you have to find your own answer and THAT Only comes from making your own choice.

Not because of what someone else did
BUT in spite of it.

Choose to love in the face of all the anger, agony and pain.
In spite of what you feel you are a victim of.
In spite of how others may perceive you.
In spite of your own self doubt.

Choose for YOU and you will find what it means to love another.
You will find what it means to love yourself.

You will only get this awareness after standing through much pain. Constantly questioning yourself and your beliefs. Testing your fortitude.

Then you will emerge with the truth. The truth forged in a fire. Your own truth.

Then you will know the freedom and peace that comes from knowing that NO ONE can ever take that away from you.

Some of the tactics and boundaries we might employ, while they certainly are an expression of what you do not want in your life, they can also cause us to make choices BECAUSE OF SOMEONE ELSE. We risk placing our self respect on the foundation of demanding someone else confirm us by either doing or not doing something. It makes it all too easy to lay the blame on the person choosing not to conform to our demands. You run the risk of not making your own choice for your own reasons. It relieves you of that responsibility. And you will not know your own truth because it has been written by someone else. It was written BECAUSE of someone else. When you STAND up for what you believe, in the face of this, it becomes clear that you are truly free from the consequences of the choices of other people. In the end love endures and does not fail. Finding that out though, is a hard way to go.

I can only say it is worth it

Your spouse has the journey to take as well. They are trying to find the answers to the same questions. They think it lies in another person or relationship. And they will find it or they won’t. Until they do their life, love and relationships will be broken. They, as we, will repeat the same mistakes until they learn this. Until they do the M is broken.

And you have no power over it. Your power and your salvation rest within yourself. So this is an opportunity to ask yourself:

Who am I?

What does love mean to me? Is it defined by its expression by another? Or how I choose to express it?

So do what you will and feel what you feel. The consequences and the failures only bring you closer to the truth IF you have the courage to keep stepping toward it.

Many obstacles will be put in your path to overcome:

Denial
Self pity
Self-righteousness
Low self esteem

All of these are pitfalls to this tragedy. All of these are caused by this tragedy.

Your goal is to reconstruct your SELF from this destruction.

And maybe...maybe...your M may be saved along the way.

[2stepboogie]

Only to the point that we expose ourselves to annihilation over and over again can that which is indestructible be found in us.


Well said Gritter!

Thank you for that post

[direction1]

Awesome Gritter. I read somewhere that one cannot truly live fully until their life shatters first. Some wisdom behind those words..

[GAL Man]

Nicely put truegritter

[grebjack]

"Awesome." Wow. My reaction was more like "I hate you for writing this." I grew up being told that I could craft my life any way I wanted to if I was willing to work hard, delay gratification, stay focused. I was so bought in to that world view that it held for months even after my husband and I split. I have gravitated to authors and books like Mort Fertel, Michele Weiner-Davis, and "How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together" because I was willing to do whatever it took to win my husband back, and they were going to tell me how.
My health, my faith, my bank account, my career - in every way, I am blessed beyond what I could ever deserve. Even in my marriage - no one else had my husband's love and companionship for twelve years. I am luckiest woman alive. But I am also the spoiled child who wants what she wants, and I can't stand the idea that it's not up to me how this all works out. I drove him away single-handedly - why can't I have the same control over bringing him back?

[FaithnAK]

Nice post Gritter. Thanks for taking time out of your day to write that.

My added piece: Everything we did to get here DID NOT work. It resulted in our M being destroyed. You can continue to do the same things over and over expecting a different result OR you can accept it, let go, and do things differently for YOU. It's all in the PMA.

[Truegritter]

OR you can accept it, let go, and do things differently for YOU.

Absolutely buddy.

[♪CS♪]

Very good post TG.

I have more to say but on my phone right now.

Right now, I just want to say thanks for your support.

[jbnati]

Very, very good stuff, TG. A lot of it is about growing yourself I've learned. Becoming the person you want to be, who you should be, and who you were meant to be.

Thanks for the post.

[JustStunned]

TG, as usual you’ve given me more to think about in one post than this old grunts brain housing group can decipher through a single reading. Thanks.

I think the sooner we move to accept what we cannot control or change the sooner we begin to truly heal.

In another thread, 2Step posted despite what some of us write about moving on we still hope to recon. I agree, and this is true in my case.

I still feel love for her.

I cannot dwell on the loss I feel or swell with anger over her abandonment of our relationship and still heal.

I will not be ready for or any good to an intimate trust relationship until I heal. I am not content to slowly allow healing or risk stagnation, so I am here, foreign as it is to my nature, expressing feelings and pain.

I am working through it, learning, and taking advice.