Forgetting those things which are behind......

[mockers2]

Noticing a pattern here, and feeling afraid. Any input any of your have is greatly appreciated.

First a good step in thr right direction...

H went out last night with a male friend. I tried something different, and didn't ask for him to call me, etc. Just smiled and said have fun.
He didn't call me until around midnight, so I was a little angry, but didn't show this to H. He apologized for not calling me, which is good.

When he told me of his plans to go out, I had that trigger response of panic, feeling all the fear, etc. from the months before the bomb. He could tell things were a little off, but there wasn't an argument or anything. After praying about this feeling, I realized (thank you, God) that I feel this fear because him going out - especially on a Wednesday night (he had Wednesday nights "off" in the months preceding the bomb, and I believe this is when he began his R with the op. ) I prayed for guidance again and felt that I should share this with H. I did and it went well. He listened, and seemed to understand, and again said how sorry he was for last year. I felt happy that we were able to handle this in a positive way.

This is the kicker - when I tried to call him last night, he didn't answer his phone. He isn't answering it again today (I was trying to be spontaneous and invite him for a romantic lunch .) This is also a trigger for me.

Possibilities:
1. He's trying to use it less, as the cell phone bills have been high.
2. He needs some space....again.....(although I rarely call him.)
3. He has just forgotten to keep his phone with him.
4. Something is going on.
5. This is part of his grieving process - his father died in Jan. H said last night that it is getting harder to deal with for the last few days.

Arguments against #4:
1. H told me about two weeks ago that he is very happy that we are married. That he was talking at work to someone, telling them how he feels he is the luckiest guy around, because I am a great wife. One of the things he likes best is that I am supportive of his dreams, and allow him time to himself.
2. He brought me a chai tea to work yesterday. (My very dark sinister side says he did it because he feels guilty.....My optimistic side says he loves me and was doing something nice for me. I feel like a freak.)
3. He ran into a coworker of mine while I was out of town on business, and she said he told her that he really missed me.

I just feel like I am stuck in my old patterns of fear. This is disappointing, because I thought I had made such progress. I have made some, just still have a long way to go.

I just don't want to live my life looking for the train that is about to hit me, when things are going well. You know that saying The light at the end of tunnel is a train....that's me.

I'm sure that the healing process is full of backslides and ups and downs, but this is a slippery, tricky, treacherous area for us.
First, because I don't want to be afraid. I want to believe that he won't hurt me again, but I know there are no guarantees of this.
And secondly because me doubting H's love for me was a huge issue for him with the bomb. So if these thoughts continue, I'll screw it all up.

I have felt all my life that I wanted someone to come to me, hug me and say that everything will be and is alright. I find my self wishing for this now. (all of this is related to abandonment issues from my own family.)


I truly am grateful for all the healing that has occurred. Just feeling stuck in this fear, and finding it difficult this time to claw my way out.

Thank you for listening. You remain in my thoughts and prayers.