I'm starting a new thread because I've exceeded the 100 post limit. I thank everyone for the amazing support I've received. Today was a major milestone in the dissolution of my relationship. It was so painful.
The day I first came to Divorce Busting 2 1/2 months ago was very much like this day. I never thought I could endure what I endured both that day or today, yet I endured it. It was probably a MISTAKE to put myself in the situation that I endured today, but hindsight is 20/20. Here is what happened:
Just to review, over the last few weeks Ex-P seemed to be making efforts to reach out to me. First came the meeting at the bank where he was staring at me and telling me how good I was doing, then came the unexpected phone calls, then came his attempts to come over and get the rest of his stuff when he knew I would be home, then came the offer to bring me groceries and take me to run errands, then came the weird offer to drive 45 minutes to take me to work because he was worried about me riding my bike in the rain, then last Tuesday came an offer I finally accepted because it was so nice (or rather, it appeared to be nice). The offer was to come over and finish the home improvement projects he was working on before he left out of the blue four months ago, and he also said that he might want to make me my favorite dinner 'if he had time.' He also arranged to get the rest of his stuff, which I said would be good. I laughed when he talked about making me dinner and I said that the home repairs would be quite enough and very appreciated. Then I told him in a half-joking way that he must be feeling mighty guilty about something. He became very serious and said, "Well, its just that when [/i] this happened[i] [as though abandoning me was an act of nature]...its just that when this happened I thought we would always be able to be friends and now I realize that soon I won't *have time*." Not 'having time' refers to the fact that OW is coming to live with him in his new house in a few weeks. I said "Fine, I'll see you Saturday." The next day I thought I may have made a mistake but then on Thursday he called again just to make sure I was still interested in the offer...I shouldn't have agreed but I did. I figured, well, at least it will give me an opportunity to DB.
Big mistake.
The day started weird, he was an hour late and he looked like heck warmed over and was visibly upset. I asked if he was okay and he said he had been fighting with OW for a day. We ended up going on a long and un-fun drive (long story) during which OW called. I was treated to listening to them fight and I have to say, Ex-P was an absolute a**hole to her. She hung up on him and he looked at me and said, "I hope you think I handled that okay?" I said, "No comment" and just looked out the window. Basically they had been fighting for a day about how he has been slow to sort out his affairs with me and why he is being so "nice" about things. OW apparently demanded that Ex-P hand over his/our financial records to her so that she could take charge of deciding 'what I deserved' and Ex-P refused. (Ex-P did tell me to take the money he put in the bank for me and run as fast as I could to put it somewhere 'safe'.) Then she told him that she was "watching him" and that it might not happen in a month, or even six months, but she would find out if he had been helping me and there would be heck to pay. Ex-P then mumbled something like "If she stays crazy I'm just gonna..." and then he went silent.
Ex-P then said that OW doesn't trust him even though he swears that his ties to me are only "logistical and not emotional" [knife in my heart]...Ex-P then recognized the irony of what he said by commenting on how he was deceiving her by spending the day helping me, so her lack of trust was merited. I reminded him that I never asked for his help.
Then things went further south.
We got home and the following hours were spent watching him work on repairs while he took phone call after phone call from OW as they 'made up' from the big fight. I had to listen to him grovel and tell her he loved her about a dozen times. I had to listen to a sweetness in his voice that I haven't heard in years. It was making me sick.
During this time I simply became ice cold - I just couldn't take any more. Every time his phone would ring I would walk outside. Eventually he asked if I was mad at him. I said no and continued to ignore him. Then he got exasperated and said, "I feel like I have failed everyone emotionally today!" Then I just snapped; I said really sarcastically, "Well, I guess you are just a failure."
It was a nasty thing to say and I regretted it. Over the next two hours (while fielding phone calls from OW) Ex-P kept asking me over and over why I was being mean and why he was a failure...he was really hurt. I said, "I am sorry, perhaps I am in a rotten mood."
When the repairs were done he packed up the last of his stuff. Then he sat really close to me on the couch. We were silent for a long time. I didn't talk but eventually he did. He filled me in on a lot of crazy stuff with OW...like how she has told everyone (including her son) that Ex-P's new house is actually her new house and that she is moving to take a new job (she is from another state) and that Ex-P is just a friend who will be staying with her. I said, "Won't her son realize that you are more than just a friend when you are sleeping in Mommy's room?" He said that he wasn't going to be allowed to sleep in OW's room until her son was comfortable around Ex-P. Then he said that her son had asked why Ex-P was going to live in "their new house" and Ex-P was worried what he would do or say if OW's son wanted him to leave his own house! Then Ex-P looked at me and said, "Its pretty messed up isn't it?" I said, "totally." Then Ex-P tried to rationalize it by claiming that OW thought her son was just too young to understand the idea of living in another person's house. I said that most 8-year old children can understand the concept of home ownership. What I failed to remind Ex-P was that OW and her son were living in another man's house when Ex-P met her but her son wasn't confused by that situation.
Then Ex-P told me I should start dating. I said, "soon enough." [Knife wound directly to my heart.] He said he was glad I was doing better emotionally.
He then talked some more about OW's jealousy. He said, "I tell her over and over that I don't have romantic feelings for you and that I only stayed with you out of a sense of responsibility!" [Another MAJOR knife in my heart.] I then nicely told him that I thought it was time for him to be going. He hemmed and hawed a little bit and then got up.
He took his last boxes to the car and then came back inside where I was ignoring him. (It was either ignore him or punch his lights out.)
Then he started crying. I said, "Why are you crying? Please don't cry." He said, "I just feel so bad..." I said, "I don't want your worry or your pity or your help or anything else at this point, so don't feel bad." He said, "Well can I at least have one last hug then?"
I said yes and got up to hug him. While we were hugging he was crying and he said, "I don't know if I'll see you again." I didn't know what to say so I said, "Just be careful." (It was the only thing I could think to say after seeing him dealing with OW all day...he seems so fragile and messed up.) Then I got choked up too but he stopped hugging me. (I would have held on too long.)
Then he walked to the door and his voice was shaking and he said, "We'll be in touch right?" And I said, "Who knows?"
And that's how twenty beautiful years ended. I think we both know that we crossed a threshold today. I think we both know that he won't turn back now.
I never got my special dinner and I never will. But I did get an especially rotten day. I didn't even try to DB today, I had a day of relinquishing control. He's in God's hands now. For the last 2 1/2 months I have DBed my tushy off, but I couldn't stop what was happening. It hurts like nothing else.
He really hasn't wanted me for ten years and you know what, I hope he finds what he is looking for.
Me: 35 Him: 43 Together: 19 1/2 years 1st Bomb (IDLYAM): March 2011 2nd Bomb (OW): April 2011 He abandons home/bills/everything: May 2011 He's bought a new house for OW: September 2011
