Forgetting those things which are behind......

[mockers2]

Thank you Ellie, JJ, Jackie and Holdingon -

It is a relief to hear that not digging through to find out why the affair happened seems reasonable to someone other than me. It certainly wasn't something I was looking forward to doing, and there never seemd to be a right time to bring it up - why bring up the pain when we're having a good day together?

Been off the bb for a while due to work - it has been nuts. Still so far behind, but I wanted to stop in for some inspiration. You are all so amazing and wonderful. I miss you when I can't read and post.

Update: Things are going well. We are starting to work on our new house to get ready to move. H and I seem to be doing well together on most days.

Positives:
1. Asked H to rank our M on a scale of 1-10 and he gave it a 9!!!!!!!! He said that there is always room to keep working and growing! What an amazing blessing!
2. We got into a situation yesterday that previously would have really stressed me out and made H really angry - instead, we individually chose to deal with the situation with laughter - a huge step for both of us!
3. We have continued to go to mass together as a family, and this weekend, I was brave and took the children on my own. They did a great job. Sounds silly, but this is a big deal to me.
4. A situation came up in which H wanted to go out with a male friend on a night when I was clearly burned out. He asked me to be honest, and tell him if another night would be better, and said that I come first! Because my not being supportive of him spending time with his friends was one of his main criticisms of me at the time of the bomb, I was not honest, and told him to go out. Then came the resentment and anger (can't he tell I need a break, and that tonight isn't a good night?), but I was able to identify this before I said anything to H, and talk to him calmly about my thoughts and reason for not being honest. We had a good, calm conversation about this issue, with good listening and seeing things from the other's point of view. Now I know that being honest is ok, and important to H. (Sounds ridiculous to read this, but this is something I have really been afraid to do on some occasions.) It was also a reminder to me that I need to ask for what I need. It seems that maybe I am really learning some things, even if it takes me a while.
5. H and I had a good conversation about some child-related issues, brainstorming together.

Goals:
1. To get better about taking time to myself. I'm a better mom and wife when I have breaks.
2. To continue to pray, pray, pray. (Specific areas: forgiveness, fear, anxiety about being away from the children and H.)
3. To forgive myself too.
4. To laugh more, frown less.
5. Continue to stop myself before I yell or raise my voice with the children. The next step is to begin changing my tone of voice to a more pleasant tone - continue to prune sarcasm. (I'm really not a creep all the time, but I need work in this area. I hear that it's normal, but I know with God's help I can do better.)

Thinking of you and saying prayers~