Forward, slow as she goes

[BeingMe]

I know, Braveheart ... it's not that I'm not moving, but I am (as my subject says) moving forward slowly. I still want to finish my degree, and have 2 years to go. I have been taking that slowly too because of my past illness (gosh, I love saying "past" when referring to my illness). I take, on average, 2 to 3 courses per semester, but I am going to ramp it up in the spring. In the winter block, I am taking 3 courses, mostly because every other course I want to take has a waiting list of more than 14 people. This is the issue when attending a small university.

It's not that I'm happy with this status quo ... I'm not sure it is a status quo, per se. I am content to live this way, for now. I am still moving forward in my mind. I am still planning beyond the completion of my degree, and when my last child leaves home (which is imminent, like ... next year). I have an RRSP set up, and started a small savings account. The house needs lots of work before we can put it on the market, so renovations will be done over the next 2 years. I am preparing my mind for my H not being here. I am even changing the decor of our bedroom, to reflect that it's my bedroom now, rather than "ours". He sleeps in the spare room.

So, I am taking small steps.

I don't see H very often since he works mostly away from home. My D18 and I will be going on a holiday from July 26 to September 8. So, we will not see him all that time either. He does contact me daily, but it's just a short conversation ... "how are you?" ... "good" ... "you?" ... "tired and busy" ... "oh, sorry to hear that" ... "oh well, anyway, have to go to bed" ... "okay, goodnight then" ... "bye, g'night". If I need to discuss anything longer, I usually email him. Slowly, but surely, I am thinking in the singular. He barely crosses my mind during the week, until I have to pick him up from the airport, or I need to write to him, or someone asks about him.

I still believe there is OW, whether it is serious or not, I don't know. But, the fact that he hasn't worked on our M since we moved here, and made all those promises, tells me that there has to be someone else. Plus, we ML maybe twice a year ... whatever ... I'm not going to snoop, but I do suspect. His disconnectedness from us, has made it easy for me to do the same over time. I usually brought it up every six months or so, but he viewed it as a confrontation. I tried various methods, different levels, but it didn't change. I don't know what to do now. I've run out of options, and what can you say when your H tells you (again) that he doesn't love you? He's a fool, but there's no arguing with such a person. And, I don't want to argue. He must live his life as he wants. I will live mine the way I want. I will be quiet as long as he supports me financially in a gracious and generous way (as he said he would, but I don't believe much of what he says, so I am prepared to fight, if I have to). He had the career while I was the mostly SAHM, working occasionally when money was tight. Now, when he is earning so much more, I expect to get the benefit of those 25 lean years. I would prefer for us to grow old together, visiting our grandchildren, travelling, etc., but we don't always get what we want.

I live in the now. It is all I have. I have hope for the future, and gain strength from positive things, such as the scriptures. And, I try to forget the negatives of the past. Nothing I can do about them, except learn the lesson and move on.

Isaiah 40
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.