WAW, not sure how to proceed...

[dearme]

Well, I know it's against all advice...but I discussed things directly with my wife this morning. All week she's been dropping hints about how anxious she is, what a hard time she's having, how she's ok when she can keep herself distracted but as soon as she's alone with her thoughts she gets a panicky feeling. She's even called me from work or when she's out with friends to tell me how sad she's feeling. I never know how to reply, so I've just been sticking with variations of "well, I can definitely relate" or "I know how you feel", and I just leave it at that. What I really would like to do is tell her that what she's feeling is the consequence of her decision, but I don't. I've been avoiding all talk of the marriage and the divorce and just trying to keep on keeping on.

Last night though, she came home reeeally drunk from a night out with her friends. Apparently she drank a whole lot in a short amount of time, and started getting really angry and belligerent with people, and eventually one of her friends had to force her out of the bar and see her home. When she came in around 2am she told me what had happened, and how she was feeling, and again I just kind of stuck with the "I know where you're coming from" and "I'm sorry you're having a hard time" line, but left it at that and tried the best I could to get back to sleep.

This morning, I just couldn't bite my tongue any longer. When she woke up she was depressed and disappointed in herself, she started tearing-up and talking about how hard everything was, especially with us being in limbo and still living together, so I told her I had a few things to say, that I didn't expect or even want her to respond to, but that I felt like I needed to say just to put it out there so I could forever hold my peace afterward. I basically told her that I understood and respected her decision about the divorce, but that I ultimately still felt it was the wrong one for us because I was learning that we aren't in some abnormal situation...countless other couples find themselves in our very same shoes, and the problems we are having are textbook examples of what people in long-term relationships go through. I told her that my eyes had been opened to a lot of my own shortcomings, but that they weren't core things about me that are unchangeable, they are simply things that I wasn't aware of, and now that I am unaware of them I'm on my own journey of personal growth because--with or without her--I want to be the best person, friend, and father that I can be. I also told her it was no longer a matter of us working on the relationship together, because I had things I needed to do for myself, regardless of what our outcome was, and that was the path I was heading down. I know that right now, to her, they're just words...but they're honest words. They seemed, for the first time, to sink in with her. I don't know that they changed her mind, but that wasn't my intent. I think my intent was more to let her know what was going on with me; why I seem to be doing ok and getting on with my life. She listened without responding, but asked me afterward to just lie with her and stroke her head, and while I did she talked about how disappointed she is in herself for handling things the way she is. I didn't respond to any of that, just kept rubbing her head and her back until she fell back asleep, and then got up and showered and started the day with the kids.

Got a hectic day/night planned; yesterday was the boy's 8th birthday, and tonight is his b-day sleepover with a couple of his buddies, so I've been out with the kids getting everything together for that. When I got home my wife was out getting a few party favors and getting a gift for her own friend's birthday, which she'll be going out to celebrate after the kids go to sleep. She was impressed that I gave her my full blessing to go out again tonight, especially with the sleepover going on, but I figure the kids will be settling in for a movie and bedtime at that point anyway... plus, if we end up separating/divorcing, I figure this is the type of stuff I'll be doing on my own anyway.