Still juggling between being a good "roomie" and not wanting to appear like I'm waiting for her to come to her senses - 'cause I'm not - really. Cohabitating is civil but awkward.
My prayer life continues and I sensed the other day that XW still "blames" me for her choices, like I forced her or something. She keeps a "quiver of arrows" to fire at me, so I remain in STFU mode, lest the VSV rears it's ugly head.
But, since the death of my friend, I am living life to the fullest that I can. He had a simple philosophy - "live in the moment" - meaning concentrate on where you are and what you are doing in the "now". Don't dread the future or dwell on the past.
Had a wonderful week at summer camp with S12 and his scout troop. "roughing it" aint my idea of a vacation, but it was nice to get away.
That's all for now. pic.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
So you are divorced, she got her half of the money and you got the house. She got everything she wanted. Divorce has consequences, yet you do not allow her to suffer them.
My questions for you are:
Why is she still living in your house? Why is she the one in the master bedroom? How long are you going to allow her to leech off of you? How do you think you look in your kids' eyes? What kind of example are you trying to set for them?
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
So you are divorced, she got her half of the money and you got the house. She got everything she wanted. Divorce has consequences, yet you do not allow her to suffer them.
My questions for you are:
Why is she still living in your house? Why is she the one in the master bedroom? How long are you going to allow her to leech off of you? How do you think you look in your kids' eyes? What kind of example are you trying to set for them?
I've been getting these same questions over my past threads but...
I wrestled with kicking out my children's mother and in the end decided to let her be the one to choose to break up the household - still. Actually, I'm the one that's comfortible in my skin, while she sometimes appears not so much. She knows it's my house. All those years of nest building and redecorating - she know's what she's lost.
We actually had a fight over the master suite and VSV appeared. I am letting it go for the time being, the motive being to take away any more reasons for her to hate me and the marriage. It's just temporary. One benefit to being my S12's roomie is we've grown closer, which is nice.
She really isn't "leeching" since I pay no child support until she moves out. She pays half the utilities, her share of tuition, insurance etc; it's all in the settlement - Oh, and no alimony. When she moves out I have to pick up the slack as well as give her child support. It evens out in the wash.
The kids don't care either way, because they do not know about OM. All she's told them is that she doesn't want to be married anymore. With the exception that there is no affection or common interests between mom and dad anymore, life goes on for them. D17 is in her own teenage world and S12 is in his. They'd be more scarred and bitter if we all parted. If and when they find out what is really going on with their mother, I'll explain it to them; they don't seem concerned right now.
I am not trying to set any example for them. I am trying to do what's best for them at the moment - during this particular phase of their adolescense. It's not my priority to teach them life's lessons, which they will learn on their own. May be some day they will look back and think, dad put up with a lot of mom's sh!t for us!
It is also not my priority to see that XW suffer's the consequences of her choices. That, my friends, will take care of itself.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
What can I say man. It is what it is. You may disagree with me, but you're not here. Trust me, XW has guilt issues, job anxiety, MLC issues. I cannot possibly shelter her from any of it. It's evident in her willingness to not seek alimony or any part of my IRA that she knows she's done me wrong.
Now you're probably referring to economic consequences, but I decided long ago to withold from treating my children's mother the way you'd expect to treat a cheating WAW. In time these things will work themselves out. Today it would only make matters worse to box up her belongings and put them in the garage or put her bedroll on the couch (we have no basement).
In fact, she would love me to give her a reason to hate me and justify all the damage she has wrought. But I'm moving on with my life "as if" she was already gone, and only a nanny lives with us now. Don't worry, my eyes have been opened in so many ways, I cannot begin to describe. It's not a painful situation. In due time she will leave on her own. But that doesn't have to happen for me to be free.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Kids go back to school in a couple of weeks. This summer just flew by.
Not much to report. XW maybe an inch closer to being "friendly" if you can call it that. She actually speaks on occasion. Still no job.
We have somewhat of a role reversal: Now she frets about money, I don't even bring it up.
She got the family car in our settlement, 'cause I drive a company perk, gas, insurance, repairs, the whole bit paid by the company. She indicated a bit of jealousy about that.
Tired of sharing the family car with D17, she got herself a used one using some of her proceeds. Complained that she has to insure both, has been ferrying the kids around all summer, $300 for another registration, gas etc etc. Wants me to give D17 gas money - I say okay fine and that's that.
She didn't have to buy herself another car. I was willing to go halfsies with her on a clunker for D17, and in fact we spent many days looking at auto treader etc with just that intention. So now I don't have to spend a penny, except gas.
Apparently the OM in OH is into baseball. Now she watches Reds games and listens on her I-phone. Funny, in eighteen years of marriage, she had no interest whatsoever in MLB. Seems to me like going whichever way the wind blows.
What is a malcontent? Is it someone who is not content? That's XW. Bucket lists are for people who think they're missing out on something, people who envy others' fun. On the bright side there's an indicator in baseball, when the interest wanes, I'll know something's up, won't I? 'Cause it won't fill the void.
I walk a tightrope and God knows it. Every time I pray to get me through this time and bring me to the other side, the message I get from Him is, "Pity. Don't hate." And He's right. I find it difficult to pity the cause of so much damage in so many areas. So pray for me on this arduous journey. I'm not in love anymore and I don't want to be.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I guess when you don't realy care about what will happen tbetween the two of you it doesn't matter if she still lives there. AS you said, she's just like a very priviledged nanny.
pesonally if H and I divorced I wouldn't want him to be here. But thats just sayin. If D12 needed him I mightjust have to give in. And I would still be standing.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
