Forgetting those things which are behind......

[mockers2]

Time for an update~

Had to think this one over a bit, as I feel it's really significant.....A few days ago, it became necessary for h and I to talk to another person about the separation (long story, not important). It really caught me off guard, but I got tearful and had to tell h that I didn't think I'd be able to talk about it right then w/o crying. H handled it, and I went to another part of the house, got busy with something, and pulled myself together. My plan was to act as if I was fine, and keep going. H came to me with a look on his face that broke my heart. He hugged me tightly, for a long time and said "I'm sorry." There, now - I've heard the words. And how did I feel? I felt the pain my h was feeling. It didn't make me feel better. It just showed me - in words - what my h has been "saying" since he came home. That he is truly sorry for the pain he caused, and that he is still hurting about it all too. It seemed that he's sad for what we missed with each other and with the children. It sounds strange, but it was like God opened up a little window, so I could see inside my h - inside to the vulnerable part, the hurting part.

I have had several glimpses like this of my h in the last few weeks. Truly, they are gifts from God.

This realization says to me, "Let it go. Move on. Forgive him." I thought I was doing a pretty good job, but this showed me that part of me still wanted to hear him say how sorry he is. Punishing him, in a way. Putting distance between us. Holding him at arms length.

Now I have the goal of really forgiving him./i] How to do this?
1. Each day, when I wake up, make the decision to forgive him and live as if he's forgiven. (Stop the scenarios in my head about how I've been hurt. Fantasies about confronting the OW, etc.)
2. Redirect my thoughts when the "how could he have done this to me" thoughts come up.
3. Live each day as a gift - because that's what they are - smile, laugh, see the joy in our everyday days.
4. Pray, pray, pray about the fears and my fearful nature in general - this is a decision too.


We saw The Passion of the Christ the other day - what an inspiration to me to forgive the others who hurt me - last year and before. Got alot of work to do and a long way to go, but I see these glimpses as gifts and baby steps, for which I am very grateful.

Positives:
1. We may go to Easter vigil!!!!What a tremendous answer to prayer.
2. Got into a disagrrement this am - I was able to use "I" statements without thinking about it quite so hard.
3. Our date went well.
4. A project h and I have been working on seems to be coming together.

Thinking of you all and keeping you in my prayers.