New to the forum.

[sandi2]

I guess she was right about her "list".

1. Divorce
2. She needs time to heal and find herself.
a. She does not know how long this will take, maybe a year or longer.
3. Begin from scratch
a. As friends
b. Later as girlfriend/boyfriend
c. Get married again

Crazy!

[Johnnieno1]

Lonely, so sorry you are here.

I read your sitch, I can honestly tell you that I feel what you have written. I too feel like I am crying inside all the time. I too have taken ownership of my faults in our marriage, and done my 180s I too have 3 kids who will be displaced by my wife's, decision. I have convinced myself that my WAW is simply just "sick" right now and that by focussing on myself, I will give her time and patience so that she will heal and we can build a new marriage. I know though that may not happen, and that scares me.

I like you was not an aggressive dater, and then I met my angel. She changed me, I am a better man for what she has taught me. I know that if my sitch dosent work out, I will move on and try to find someone new. I deserve to be loved, and I deserve to give my love to someone too. I guess the thing I am trying to say is, it's important to have faith. Believe in yourself, believe in God, believe in love and It will blossom for you again, maybe with you ex, or maybe someone new. Don't be afraid to pray for a miracle. Your future is not written, you write it.

[Lonely in SLC]

Thanks Sandi and Johnnie for chiming in. It is nice to know that someone is reading this other than myself. This whole situation has been crazy.

The weekend like everything else had its ups and downs. I will start off with the good.

Saturday morning I went up to the family cabin with parents, brothers, and my sister and her family to work on the yard. It was a beautiful sunny day up in the mountains. Afterwards bbq hamburgers. Working and keeping occupied helps keep the negative thoughts of the divorce out of my mind.

My wife dropped the kids off late in the afternoon. She asked me to watch them because there was a party for one of her friends that is moving out of the state. Another excuse to go dancing in my opinion. Played games with the kids all Saturday evening.

On Sunday I took the kids to a waterpark. Had a great time. All of us got a little sunburned. Mental note, suntan lotion only lasts about 2 - 3 hours.

Now for the downers. I have to stop reading her facebook updates. Nothing good comes from it. I just would like to know if I see more activity with the security guard now that she is almost divorced.

Saturday afternoon she updates her status that she is excited going out on a Saturday night being single, as a opposed to married, for the first time in years. Grrrrrrrr! I also noticed that she sent some minor flirtatious messages to another guy. It just said "How are you doing good looking." Granted, he does not live in the country, but still, it bothers me. Is this how she will act with all guys now?

I know that we are separated and will be divorced in just a few short weeks, but if or when she moves on to another guy will hurt. I am curious to see how fast though.

After Friday's events, I wondered if she would change her mind before the Judge signs off on the divorce. I had even told her that it was not to late to change her mind Saturday afternoon. When I dropped the kids off Sunday night I asked her if she had thought about it. (I know, bring on the 2x4s). She said she did, and what is done is done.

She is a very stubborn person. I always knew that in her mind, once a decision is made, you don't back out or make changes. Hopefully the rest of her list will follow.

[sandi2]

I also noticed that she sent some minor flirtatious messages to another guy. It just said "How are you doing good looking." Granted, he does not live in the country, but still, it bothers me. Is this how she will act with all guys now?

To be very frank, I think she will be go wild. For one thing, she will feel drunk with her new "freedom". When she was having an EA with the security guard, she discovered the thrill that came from flirting. I don't think she'll settle for one man, not yet anyway. The security guard was just a "try-out". She may let him tag alone, but she's going to play hard and get all she thinks she's been missing.

I am curious to see how fast though.

This will eat you up if you don't stop watching her and reading FB. You are not just curious, but you are very jealous. That's normal, but jealousy has to feed off of something. Don't feed it by trying to keep track of her activities.

Hopefully the rest of her list will follow.

What is your planb for your life? Are you going to just sit there and see if she comes back some year?

[direction1]

Listen to Sandi. She's incredible-u have no idea..post and listen. Definetely helping me move forward. Chin up.

[Lonely in SLC]

I have a lot to share today. The roller coaster continues.

Monday, I signed paperwork for my new apartment. It is definitely a downgrade. It's a one bedroom apartment and very small. I can't believe this will be "Home" for at least 6 months. Very lonely. That night I went back to the parents house and just read a book.

Yesterday was a lot more interesting. I called my wife in the morning to let her know I would be coming by after work to grab a bunch of stuff to take to the apartment. I arrived at about 06:00 began packing up the truck. The wife and the kids were very helpful and we were all in a good mood.

She asked if I was going to invite the family out for dinner.

I jokingly replied what she was going to offer me.

She stated her gratitude.

My response was not good enough.

She then said a hug. I immediately took her up on it.

Still hugging, we looked into eachothers eyes for a moment. She then quickly broke the hug off laughing.

I had to ask why she was laughing. Her response was that she almost kissed me.

I cornered her in the kitchen and said, "Go ahead, I won't stop you."

She laughed and said no. I just said "Kiss me."

She agreed and said only a peck, then gave me a quick kiss. I was in heaven. I will take anything right now. I was smart enough not to push any farther.

After packing everything we drove in our separate cars to the apartment to unpack everything. My S10 was with me in the truck. He tells me that earlier in the day the W told him that she "would like" or "might" get back with me in the future, he can't remember the exact words.

I am on cloud nine. I don't believe that she would get our kids hope up if she did not have some strong feelings for me. I told my S10 to keep praying and have faith. Our family is going through some difficult times right now and will continue for some time, but in the end everything will be better.

We arrived at the apartment place. I could tell she was suprised at how small it is. As me and the boys unpacked the truck, she was organizing everything, dishes, towells, stuff like this. My kids are excited for me having my own place when they visit. The grandparents place was not a fun place to live for any of us.

Again, we just all enjoyed eachothers company. I still needed a couch, so afterwards we went to a furniture store. I ended up buying one. While in the store there were a couple of sexual inuendos thrown both ways!!! I think I mentioned that the new couch will be waiting for when she visits without the kids. She laughed.

Afterwards I took the family to a Mexican restaurant. It was almost like old times. Just a great time. When it was time to leave, I knew not to ruin a perfect day. I hugged and kissed all of my kids, we each gave eachother a kiss on the cheek, I sincerely thanked her for all of her help, then left.

It was a perfect night considering the circumstances. When I got back to my parents, I checked out her facebook. I am still in the bad habit of doing this. At 05:22 pm she posted, "Today has been a good day, played with my children in the morning, afternoon with a handsome and in the evening hopefully a good dinner!!!" I had to paraphrase a little since it is written in Spanish.

I immediately called S10 on his cell and asked if the W left them with a babysitter at any point during the day. He said that they were with her all day. My mind is racing, do I dare hope she was referring to me. I think I only slept for a couple of hours last night.

I would love to hear peoples thoughts.

[sandi2]

My mind is racing, do I dare hope she was referring to me.

No! Stay away from FB!

Some men are such push-overs. One little peck of a kiss and you go nuts thinking she may be changing her mind....(all the while packing you up to move out). She was in a good mood b/c you were not being "difficult" (and she was finally a free woman).....and you were in a good mood b/c she gave you a thank-you hug, then you go and corner her off and tell her to kiss you! It would almost sound kind of cute if I didn't know a family was going down a drain.

You were very lucky she still went to dinner. She really didn't want to cook after doing all that work!

Please....please be careful about using S10 to ask questions regarding his mother. It's not fair to him. Don't you realize that his mom probably told him what she did to ease his emotions or to shut him up...one of the other. But you took what she told S10 and now you're "in heaven".

You need to stay away from any contact with her as long as you can. Let her contact you first and see how she sounds. Don't get your hopes too high just yet. Wait until the kids are exchanged and you see her face to face. See if she's flirty or just being nice. I advise you not to bring up what happed the day of the move. If she pursues you, play along with the game if you want to, but make dog sure you do not jump in bed with her. This woman needs to know who she wants, and if's you then she needs to work her behind off chasing you. Now that things were ended nicely, cool your heals a few days. If you act all gooey eyed over her, she will not be turned on at all.

[Lonely in SLC]

Time is going by fast. It was a holiday weekend here in Utah, celebrating when the pioneers arrived. I finished moving into my new temporary apartment. I signed a six month lease. Part of Plan B, which I will get to later. I know you were asking Sandi2.

I had the kids all weekend. This is probably why I have not signed in recently. I don't like to be on the computer when my kids are over, I would rather be playing with them. We spent a lot of time at the pool, shopping (stuff for apartment), and watching movies. Having young kids is great. You get to experience all of your favorite old movies again like Indiana Jones and Batman from the 80's.

My wife helped me all last week buying stuff and moving into the new apartment. Friday we all went to have dinner at Olive Garden. Since then she has been moody again. Didn't hear from her much Saturday - Tuesday.

House sold. Yeah! It was only on the market for two weeks. We both will get some cash that will help. I am just lucky that I was not underwater on the mortgage like so many.

Now on to some of my thoughts. I am really starting to get angry with my wife. She is a perfectionist, and when things don't go her way, or if I forget something, she gets very upset and critical that at times leads to her yelling. Unfortunately, this was how she has always acted. She claims it is a part of who she is, having Italian ancestors in her family tree.

I believe this is why I began to ignore her in the first place and stopped helping out with the house chores. Instead of being thankful, she would get mad at something I missed. During the last few years, I began to argue back, which escalated to yelling matches. There were just a handful of times that I said some mean things. I just lost patience.

It appears to be happening again. I am tired of her getting mad at me about every little thing. She claims it is the stress of everything. I told her on Monday night that this has happened for 11 years, stress is only an an accuse. The worse part is that it was never directed at the kids where now it is.

Now onto my plans. I have a couple of options and would love to get input. My first thought is to not really do anything for six months, see if our relationship improves and if I see hope. If not, in six months I move on. I begin dating, buy a new house, and live my life.

The other option is to begin dating shortly after the divorce is final, which should be any day now. I have some worries, but I also see some benefits. I am definitely not ready for any long term relationship with anyone. This wound and scar runs deep and will take time to heal. But dating I believe will help me with my self esteem and GAL. I also secretly wonder if it will make the STBXW jealous.

Sandi2,

I also wanted to thank you on your last comment. It helps put things in perspective again. I was just wondering if these where little steps by the W in the right direction for the future. But your right, she needs to work hard in the future if she wants me back. It is all about the chase, right.

[sandi2]

quote]It is all about the chase, right.[/quote]

There are many times in life that it is all about the chase, for sure.

I have told people that a D doesn't have to be the end of a future with the WAS again. But, IMO, if you continue to have this R with your W after the D, then I believe she'll have the best of both worlds and will not be motivated to end her little fantasy world to join you 100% in M. Why should she?

If you hang around with her, and on her terms, for six months...you'll be in just limbo till I don't know if you'll be able to say, "okay, I'm done for good" and keep away from her. She'll throw in just enough to keep you hanging and thinking maybe these are "baby-steps" and we'll finally get back together.

Speaking as a woman, I think your best option is to drop her like a hot potato the minute she files. No more being around when she needs a plumber, electrician, gardener, babysitter, etc. She can find most things in the yellow pages. She needs to have the full impact of her new found freedom! But if you're there to fill in the empty places....it won't cut it. Make it a clean break. Let her feel the shock, b/c she will be shocked that you had the strength to have a life without her in the center of it.

It is after she files that you need to start being a single man, and living like it. I do not think you need to do any serious dating, but I think you should find some new female friends to go out with. When your W's jealousy starts the little nosy questions or snide remarks about you seeing somebody, you do know the "standard" answer don't you? "We are just friends!!!"

Your W hasn't missed you yet. I think she needs to miss being with you, and that won't happen if she's seeing you or making contact every day. I think if anything would shock her back to her senses, it would be to see her H interested...and excited about being free to date. And, she will experience different emotions at different times and on different level. She thought she was D you, but she never expected you to move forward,

Use those six months to get use to the idea you're divorced and free. Allow the much needed time for healing and if you need to get a different therapists just for yourself to get better (and not try to get MC), then you could get that under your belt. By the time the first six months was up, look where you would be! Then, it sounds like you could go out and enjoy life the way you should. Check Spelling

[Lonely in SLC]

Detaching is hard. Going back to Tuesday, my depression hit so hard that I did not go into work. I called in saying that I was sick. I just did not feel like getting out of bed all day.

I believe my stbxw had some suspicions, so she txted me inviting me over for dinner with the kids. I have not had a home cooked meal in awhile. (I now would like to learn how to cook, maybe take some classes). Anyway, I just txted back saying "No, but thanks for the invite."

Yesterday, she had to drop by my office to sign some paperwork for selling the housed. She arrived with the kids around 05:00. When all of the paperwork was signed I quickly said "Well, that's everything, thanks." She got all upset and told the kids "Let's go kids, Daddy is kicking us out." I politely responded that I was not, that she could stay and talk if she wanted to. I knew she would not take me up on this. She left.

Here is my question. When I try to detach from her and not engage in long conversations, I must come across as mad. She can tell I am not acting normally, which means something is wrong, then gets mad at me. Is her getting mad at me the right thing? I feel that I should be charitable towards her regardless of what she is doing, the higher road so to say; (I will post more about this later). Or should I just not care if she gets mad. If I don't want to talk to her, so be it.

I still have a hard time believing this is all happening. Just 5 months ago I thought we had the best marriage. When do I wake up?