Forgetting those things which are behind......

[mockers2]

Thank you, Ellie. I will look up the marriage builders site - I've read about it in several threads here.

It's amazing that it took me this long and going through a separation, etc. to see how I contributed. I am thankful for this insight, though, and plan to use it now to work on my communication skills.

Taking time for myself has been an issue b/c I work full time. I know now that I am a better mommy and wife when I have breaks, but I feel so torn at times leaving the children. I see them so little, and when I am with them, it's "let's get into the tub; time for brushing teeth, bedtime....etc.." I have always felt a bit guilty, and have missed the children when I've taken time to myself. Feel like I don't want to miss anything, they are growing up so quickly. Also, we have had limited family time b/c of work schedules, etc., so I hesitated to go off on my own when we had time to spend together. H seems not to have this same problem. And I know, it's all in the balance. H and I are discussing/have discussed this isssue, and are working on it, with some progress. Now, I just need to work on my own attitude. Part of this is a result of me being axious about things in general - this has always been the case, but has worsened since we had children (an exageration of the normal repsonse?)Or maybe I have generalized anxiety disorder.

The athletic companionship issue is somewhat related to my self image/low self-esteem. I've just never considered myself to be athletic. I played soccer in middle school, but in HS, my efforts were channeled more into academics/yearbook/school representative. I have done weight training in the past (loved this - was in a class when hand I met), and ran briefly in college (very briefly ). When h and I started seeing each other, we walked 3.5 miles every morning. I know some sort of exercise would benefit me in alot of ways - physically, psychologically, and would be a great example for the children (mommy takes care of herself too). I just feel at times that I'm trying to be something I'm not. No, I don't have to be a triathlete in order to get some exercise. H is very athletic. Triathalons, etc. The one time I saw h with someone during the separation - a girl I think was probably the former op - they were cycling. I guess I've always felt inferior in this respect. He runs, with me, he walks. So, I don't measure up to his abilities like other women do.

This all came up again (came to the surface of the swirling thoughts) this past weekend. One of my best friends from school is also very athletic. She was in town for a duathelon (sp?)- a run-bike-run. She is obsessive about exercise. She also is single with no children. She and h could talk about bikes, etc., and I have no clue about any of that. I wasn't jealous, I just feel that this is one area in which h and I could really connect if I were more like him. I also realized how much of an issue this is for me b/c I felt uneasy thinking of going to the race and being the only one who's never been in a race.

Don't think I'm explaining myself well at all.

This probably isn't as much of an issue to h as it is to me. I just think a 180 in this area would bring us closer in another way. But doing something just to bring us closer isn't the right reason - I need to become more active for me. And the more active me would be more attractive to h - I know it. I just don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not.

Ellie - were you very athletic before you climbed Mt. Whitney?


Ideas for physical activity for me:
weight training (we have a weight set in the garage)
rollerblading
walking
hiking
martial arts (Jackie )
yoga
aerobics


Nitaf, You are right - they do like seeing us try new and different things! Hope you are doing well.