I am the devil....

[AntoniaB]

Congrats on the compliments you're receiving. I know exactly what you mean when you notice that other people are starting to talk about how much you're changing but you deny it. I did the same thing. People kept saying "you don't understand, we see dramatic changes in you" and I kept saying "no you're wrong."

You're around 9 months, I think you're in a crossroads. You're starting to get your self-respect back, in little bits, and yet your addiction to her and your belief that you need her to be happy/have self-respect is what holds you back in the areas where you get stuck. When we are still codependent and addicted to the WAS, we really believe all their accusations, and as long as we believe them, we feel like if we just fix it all and prove that we fixed it, they'll come running back.

The beauty of breaking that pattern of codependency and addiction is that it is the KEY to us getting our self-respect and self-esteem back. When I was moving in that direction but still mired and stuck, people around me kept saying how great I was doing, and I'd say "you're wrong; you're just saying that." That was because I still was so addicted to him that unless HE was saying it to me, I didn't believe it. And he'd be the last person to say I was doing great. I mean, these people are a mess, no matter what they say. They don't want us being ok or succeeding or HAPPY without them. They want us in their drama. This is why they resist when we go dark. This is why they claim they want the friendship. I mean, on some level, they DO miss the friendship, but they're so unempathetic that they don't realize that if we give them that, we also give up our self-respect and we hamper our ability to heal. Maybe years from now a friendship can be negotiated, but not now.

Anyway because you are hearing the compliments, it means you ARE changing, and you are doing better. You can't accept it yet, but you'll be able to soon. When you do start to accept it, it will be because you are finally taking back your self-respect. You'll start saying look, I'm a good person, and I do not deserve this kind of treatment, and the more you get to that place, the more you'll start to actively protect your own heart and to make big strides in getting your life together without her.

One other thing I want to leave you with is this: when you have a particularly bad day, for whatever reason, start to immediately embrace it. That sounds crazy, but my doctor said (and I've seen this happen tons of times for me so I agree with her) that when you have a big setback, it is becase you have "unfinished business with yourself and the way you are responding to the situation." After a setback, you inevitably reevaluate. If you really think of the setback as an opportunity to "learn" something from it, you will leapfrog ahead after the setback and make some rapid progress.

Setbacks and bad days are opportunities. They stink. But no matter how bad you feel that day, tell yourself, the next move I make is rapid progress because this was an opportunity to evaluate and correct.