Forgetting those things which are behind......

[mockers2]

Update and some positives:

Things have been going well. Still battling the fear at times, but I realize that even this is getting better little by little. Work has been crazy, which keeps my mind off the creepies, but h and I have also been planning and making some decisions for our future, which feels really solid and good.

I have also been given some insight (thank you, God) into how I may have increased the stress in the pro-bomb period. Basically, I felt alot of resentment pre-bomb towards h with regards to child care and also to me not having any time to myself. I have come to realize recently that I never asked for help with the children (until I had really had it) or made a plan for something I wanted to do and talked to h about it. Good grief! And it took me how long to see this? This also gives me some insight into how I may have come across to h as controlling and resentful.

Need to work on asking for what I need and want.


I also have been given the gift of seeing my h with empathy in the last week or so. I have really been able to see his pain - currently and pain from the past. This has happened before, but this time it even extended into my thinking about h leaving, which is new - maybe a baby step in the forgiveness department. God is good, certainly.

Positives:
1. h and I just keep laughing (know I keep listing this one, but I think it's key.)
2. We had a disagreement about how I was handling something - I was able to do a fairly good job of saying to h that I neede him to be empathetic, and then be quiet. No voice raising, etc. H apologized and said he didn't want our different ways of handling things to interfere with our r. Amazing! small steps, I guess, but they feel huge.
3. date planned for next week.
4. I was sick last week and h took very good care of me - very considerate and thoughtful.
5. Thoughts of op are less and less frequent. I'm finding myself thinking of other things without so much effort to redirect my thoughts.

I have identified another one of my issues - the idea (stolen from Ellie's thread) of athletic companionship. I'll have to write more on this later.

Hope you are all having a good day. Take care - you are in my prayers.