I've been feeling really weird lately and I thought if perhaps I tried to explain it here it might help as when it comes out of my mouth it doesn't make sense.
Don't get me wrong, I love being home, I love seeing my friends and family but I feel really dislocated from it all. Like I am me looking in, like I have slipped back into my old role but it isn't me anymore, like I have changed so much but no one else has, everything is exactly the same but me. Almost like I am looking in on myself and watching my behaviour slip back into old ways and not being able to change it.
I didn't realise how much being away had changed me, improved my confidence and really found the real me. I changed my way of dressing, I lost weight, even bizarrely my face shape changed and I had my independence.
Now I am living back home, putting weight on again (I've started running but it isn't making much difference), acting like a spoilt teenager and taking it out on my parents who are being so kind in letting me stay, bored again at work (there is really nothing for me to do at that job but they pay well and it is reliable), I have lost some of my confidence in myself and my body and whilst I am doing stuff and enjoying myself I'm not happy. I want to be free again, I don't feel 'done' with being away. But I feel frozen, like I don't really know what to do to make things better because if I look for a new job or place to live then that means I have to settle down and stay in England and I'm just not ready to do that yet. I feel like if I do I will look back and regret it. But is it because I haven't given it enough time yet.
I have no gut feeling about what the right thing to do is.
