Forgetting those things which are behind......

[mockers2]

Yes, Jackie - we do seem like twins at times! I think you're right that it is a normal process of piecing. Your suggestion was excellent - I should have used it! Instead, I allowed the fears that came up (because it all felt so much like pre-bomb behavior and patterns) to govern my response, and almost really screwed up.

I acted fine until it came time for H to leave - then I asked him how late he thought he'd be out. (The friend he was meeting lives out of town, so I knew he wouldn't be able to stay out late at all.) H said he was planning on meeting that friend, then one of his other friends (who gets off work at around 8:30 pm), and that then he might meet some people from work, so he wasn't sure how long he'd be out. This made me angry and I said some things I shouldn't have said - "When I go out, you know when I'll be home. I don't stay out until 2 or 4 AM and not call you.I don't think it's unreasonable to ask you to call me and let me know you're OK. You're a husband and a father, and I don't think I'm asking too much of you to call and give me an idea that you are alright.) I know, I know, I know - I sounded like a mother talking to a teenage boy. Not exactly my goal. H then said, "do you not want me to go?" Me: Yes I want you to go, I'd just appreciate you calling me and letting me know you're OK. I also told him that he seemed angry with me just asking for him to call me and that alot of the time, I'm afraid to ask or say what's on my mind. H said, "I'm sorry you feel that way." (This last bit is true, but not the right time or the right way to bring it up.)

H was also angry because I said some of this in front of the children - they aren't old enough to understand "Go in the other room, so Daddy and I can talk for a minute."

So, I didn't do a great job at all, but at least I didn't say:
* It is ridiculous that an almost forty year old man is going out for drinks with a bunch of single or divorced people from work - most of them female.
*I don't treat you like this.
*I have never put you in this situation.
*Is she going?
*This is how you were acting before you left - are you planning on leaving again?
*Who's going to be there?

Yeah, I did well not saying any of that. So, maybe there has been some progress after all. I also didn't raise my voice, which is a step in the right direction too.

After H left, I cried and cried (poor kids ), so scared that he'd say, "see, you're not different." And leave, or be so angry at me that he'd stay out all night and do something crazy. Well, none of that happened.

H called me three times, once after my father called him b/c I had called them crying (said I was missing my FIL, which was true as well), and he was worried about me, and twice on his own. I acted fine all three times, and didn't ask any questions. He didn't stay out too late, and that night and the next morning, things were fine.

So, we can rewrite our old patterns, it will just take alot of prayer, self control and concentration.

I guess, Jackie, it would make me feel better for him to say "I'll be in around _____.", and to call me every so often and let me know he's OK. I guess deep down it would make me feel better to know that the former OP wasn't going to be there, but I certainly don't feel comfortable bringing her up - it still makes me physically sick, and H and I haven't discussed her directly in almost a year.

What you posted sounds great - very reasonable and describes accurately how I feel. I'm not sure about the reassurances - sometimes H seems to understand, but in other situations, he seems annoyed that I need them - kind of the attitude that, "I'm here, what more reassurance could you posssibly need?" Which, in a way, makes sense.

The evenings are tough on some days - I have been exhausted for som reason, and H has been tired too, but on nights when we have more energy, we might watch a movie together (this is a treat, b/c we watch no TV), or sit and read books together. We also sit and talk alot, make plans, run ideas by each other.

You are alos right that we reconnect on our date nights - we can't do it every week, but have established the goal of every two weeks, and have been doing a pretty good job with that. It is tough to build in couple time - especially with two small children, and when money is tight. Have you checked out the date night ideas on the flylady website? There are alot of good ideas for in home (after the kids are asleep) and inexpensive dates.

On the up side, we had a great weekend. Lots of good family time, and a little couple time - children asleep in the car .

Just need to stay focused on the posisitve, and keep praying. Also, I need to keep reminding myself that my H just lost his father and is still dealing with this grief. Need to try and see him with empathy again - this is something that has always helped.

Thank you for your post, Jackie. Hoping to get caught up with you today.

Positives:
1. H and I reworked one of our old patterns, with a good outcome. A friend I called in panic reminded me of the idea that if I change my behavior, H may respond differently, and that things can be different this time.
2. H complimented me on my figure .
3. More and more and more laughing.


Hang in there, everyone. You continue to be in my prayers.