Going N/C wish me perseverance/strength

[Seminolewind]

SC,

You have been at this longer than I have and our sitch's are different but the dark thing has really helped me through a rough patch. You are the one in control of your own happiness. This could be the kick he or you need to get out of limbo land. I look for positives in every little thing in life. You already live like you are D so live like no tomorrow!

[Queen_of_Swords]

Thanks Seminole.
Yep I am living like we are D now.
Before this ( maybe two weeks ago) I was still hanging on to hope that he'd finally wake up and really see and understand what the costs will be. He hasn't and won't...perhaps never will. That's his problem.

After reading this: http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate...d-distance.html
who someone here kindly posted. I realise my situation is freaking textbook.

I need to shut the heck up, and back the heck waaaaaaay off.

So, I have mantras that I repeat everytime I think about STBX or the situation.

I'm finding I care a little less about him, everytime I say them in my own head. I remind myself of my own value and that I don't "need" him to augment my happiness.

Ultimately I realize too, I don't want him back until he's addressed his own dysfunctional behaviours.
How I was treated was cruel, I won't be treated that way again.
If he chooses not to come back, I do have a LOT going for me and I can survive and even thrive.I wish him well, more I can't do.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Per my counselors advice I was to contine firing off the text message occasional greeting, even with going N/C.
So to instruction I have only fired off two greetings this week.
This morning I fired one off....and, he expressed a desire to see the kids more.
As it is he sees them once midweek for 4-5 hours, and every other weekend from late Friday afternoon to late Sunday afternoon. Generous by some standards.

I simply validated his desire to see our kids more by saying I understood.

However, what do I say if he keeps pushing?
This is what divorce/child custody looks like from my perspective, and this is his intent.

That he wants to renegotiate terms now that I'm seriously going N/C is interesting.

What do you all think?

[Seminolewind]

Scylla,

You hit the nail on the head a couple posts back we as LBS can’t change anyone except ourselves. We can’t hold onto hope that we will save our marriage all we can do is hope our paths cross again down the road. What’s going to be is going to be we just need to use the knowledge we have acquired to make the best out of a bad sitch.

As far as going dark I thought that meant absolutely no contact? I would say he couldn’t feel any loss if you fire off a couple texts a week. As far as the children are concerned that would be the only time I would contact him about anything. Then again what do I know, nothing has moved my W away from the OM yet.

If he keeps pushing I would kindly let him know that these are the choices he needed for himself.

I think the more you pull away the pendulum could start to swing the other direction. Then again it will be your choice if you would be interested in starting a new R with your H.

I feel the WAS thinks everything is going to be so much better when they leave but what they don’t know is they are not repairing the problems, they are just masking them and they will surface again at some point.

[Queen_of_Swords]

As far as going dark I thought that meant absolutely no contact?

I am doing what my counselor recommended.
For the last several months I have texted him only on weekdays, a simple Good Morning ( name), if he wanted to respond he did , if he didn't he didn't.
I sort of treated it like passing a co-worker in the hall...a simple acknowledgement.
Counselor said I should not stop that abruptly, just not to do it as often and be random about it.

This morning after my Good Morning message, he got chatty, even wanted to invite us out for breakfast if we were up and dressed, and then stated his desire to see the kids more.

If he keeps pushing I would kindly let him know that these are the choices he needed for himself.

Yes, I think this is what I need to do as well. Gently but compassionately remind him that this was what he chose, and that this is what divorce looks like in regard to a working relationship with the ex-spouse and kids.

I am pulling away. On another thread someone said to me there was no law against being "done". For now...I am.
I don't want to see him or engage him beyond the superficial.

Really, this morning after he texted back a greeting I frankly thought that was all there was going to be from his end. He surprised me with more TM's.

I feel the WAS thinks everything is going to be so much better when they leave but what they don’t know is they are not repairing the problems, they are just masking them and they will surface again at some point.

Yes. You're right. They think that running will magically uncomplicate their lives and make them happier, not realising it isn't the external crap that makes one happy, but it's about attitude, acceptance, and thankfulness for what you do have. They also IMHO secretly hope we'll do badly without them.

A friend of mine said that my STBX thought he had put me and his married/family life in a pot by the door and believed I/it would wither away, but he doesn't realise I've figured out how to turn my face to the sun, absorb the rain...and he doesn't know I've found a source of fertilizer.

[Queen_of_Swords]

So, as per counselling instructions...today was my chosen day to text a simple Good Morning to STBX. He responded in kind.

Then about 20 minutes later I get a phone call from STBX. Apparently his mother is in another city a few hours away, to visit his grandmother, and he wants to switch weekend custody to take our kids for a visit. It's my weekend.

I told him I'd think on it.
I felt awash in feelings at that moment ( anger being the initial one of them) so I needed time and didn't just blurt out " hell no."

Still, I'm in a good place emotionally today. Out of poor me mode and I feel happy and even ok with the thought of him divorcing me, the day to day things wouldn't change much from the way they were/are now to be truthful.
I can find another partner/companion through life.
I can do fine on my own.
The sunsets are just as beautiful with or without him.

[a girl]

Good luck. You are stronger than you know, and in 6 months, a year, whatever - you'll look back on this and just shake your head.

[PEI]

Then about 20 minutes later I get a phone call from STBX. Apparently his mother is in another city a few hours away, to visit his grandmother, and he wants to switch weekend custody to take our kids for a visit. It's my weekend.

I told him I'd think on it.
I felt awash in feelings at that moment ( anger being the initial one of them) so I needed time and didn't just blurt out " hell no."

What would be your motivation for saying no?

[Queen_of_Swords]

LOL, PEI my motivation for saying no: anger, resentment, and under that very hurt feelings and stubborness. Hey I am human, fancy that.

My in-laws are passive aggressive people and my melange of feeling is directed at them mainly, as well as a little bit at STBX. I have not spoken to MIL since my STBX left, and no one from his family has even attempted to contact me.
No birthday cards for the kids, no phone calls...it's like we don't really exist and I was never connected to their family.

All those nasty feeling rising up in me is why the brakes got slammed on, and why I took a breath and said I'll think about it.


I will ask my children if they wish to go, they're old enough to make that decision, and I'll go from there.

[Seminolewind]

As a man and in the crappy sitch I am in at the moment. I could never keep my kids away from their mom. Only you know whether it's a good idea to keep the kids away. I don't reccomend doing so just to make a point to your H I feel that could drive in an even larger wedge. I also feel it could make you look like an evil B-word and that is not who most men find attractive. Just looking out for you!