...but she needs to understand that exploding at the drop of a hat is no way to resolve conflict.
...I promised myself I wouldnt let her do that to me anymore. I know she does it because she feels its the only way I'll understand. Really though it's far from the truth.
We need to move back to catching more flies with honey than vinegar.
GB;
I think that S-309 is giving you some good advice.
As to promising yourself that your wife will or will not do things, that is boundary setting. You need to be very careful with boundary setting as a spouse with test the boundaries. My advice to you is that your promise to yourself of her not exploding to get your attension is not a boundary I would end a marriage over.
If she can do something that get's you that angry, it means she can use that to manipulate you. How can you do a 180 on this behavior of hers so that she realises that blowing up won't work like it has in the past? Probably by not responding strongly to her provocation. And so your 180 should involve deflecting her explosions. A statement like wow, after all we have been through, you can't mean that? or maybe a "I want to talk to you about this later, when you are less upset." There have to be ways you can deal with such outbursts without expanding the confrontation and demanding it be settled immediately to your satisfaction.
And now for a digression. Your story about driving reminds me of two things that happened to me in Europe.
While in a taxi from Paris to the airport, I got to talking with the taxi driver. We talked about driving in Paris being much like a sport. He agreed. I told him I hadn't thought of its as a contact sport, but in looking at many of the vehicles on the road, it seemed to be a contact sport. Everyone else in the taxi started to laugh. The driver was confused as he didn't know what a contact sport was.
While driving on one of the Italian freeways I saw an ambulance with flashing lights coming up the road from behind me. I pulled over to the slow lane to let them pass. A moment or two later, a luxury car pulls up behind the ambulance and signals for the ambulance to get the hell out of the way and let them pass.
The point being, driving in some places is just crazy and in the best NMMNG spirit, you need to be an integrated man who follows your own ethical rules of conduct in driving and not get freaked out by what happens around you. You don't need to match their craziness, just to fit in. Be that calm pillar of alpha-male confidence. You can be a role model for your wife and her responses.
Good luck to you and your wife in finding happiness. Focus on the progress you have made.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
