OK, I am a newbie here, so take my opinions for what they are worth.
First, I would go with answer #1 for the first question. Plain and simple, letting her know you don't need to defend against her suspicions or impress her that you are moving on. I think #3 seems somewhat adversarial, as though you are withdrawing to somehow "punish" her for leaving you. I think you are just trying to show that your life will go on if she leaves, that you are your own person.
On the second question, I would go with #4. Asking you about your response to an attempt at reconciliation is an attempt on her part to broach the subject without being vulnerable. If you say "yes," then you are showing that you want her back, and assuming all the risk. #4 requires her to take responsibility for her intent, if she wants to pursue this subject. Being overly vulnerable while she stays in the position of control moves you in the direction of being desperate, and that, from what little I understand of DB, is not going to help your relationship. If she wants to initiate an attempt to reconcile (taking control of the situation), then she must be the one to take the risk (vulnerability). If you were trying to do it, the rule would be the same for you. #2 is good in that it is honest, and that is really all you want to be. But I like the directness of #4 as putting the ball back in her court.
As far as your boundaries are concerned - YES, stick with them! One thing about DB that has struck me is the extent to which it is about boundaries - letting the spouse know that he/she is NOT the center of your world, having your OWN life, not being someone who constantly leans on the spouse but someone on whom the spouse can lean, standing up independently. If you set a boundary and then back off from it, you are telling her that you do not function independently of her, as you could not follow through with something you wanted to do for fear of pushing her away.
You are your own person - she can't possibly fall in love with someone who is not (who falls in love with a non-person?). You have to be strong, and follow through on your well thought out decision.
OK, my opinions are strong. But again, I am only a newbie to this. Anyone else's opinion?
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
