In past meetings with W I have always been conscious of body language, and will continue to do so, esp when at bowling next week as past meetings since the S have only been half hour max, next Tue should be 2-3 hours so will be paying attention.
Hopefully others will find the following useful
Body movement is controlled by the Limbic section of the brain. This part regulates subconscious functions (breathing, blinking etc etc) and also unaware body language signs. These body movements are done subconsciously, so generally without them being aware.
I note this as studies on communication show that when we communicate:
only 7% is based on the words said
38% of our communication is based on how we say the words
And a huge 55% is based on body language
So signs to look for:
Negative signs
1) Crossing arms - this indicates a defensive stance, and not letting in (if they are like this to start, take note, if it changes to say putting arm round a chair next to you then they are relaxing) 2) Crossing legs, if sat opposite to you, or if sat next to you they cross there legs away from your direction (foot on opposite side to you)- as per crossing arms indicates defence 3) Rubbing neck, ear lobes or nose - indicates that they are uncomfortable and nervous 4) Resting chin on hand etc - indicates boredom 5) Eyes moving around - indicates non interest, or even non truth! 6) Leaning back, if person is sat opposite and they lean back - indicates that they want distance 7) Preening, i.e. picking bits off clothes etc - indicates boredom, non interest and possibly being uncomfortable 8) Stalling conversation, like trying to pull teeth - indicates, well you know! (time to end conversation and get out)
Positive signs
1) Crossing legs towards you, if you are sat next to person, and they cross their legs toward you (i.e. their foot is next to you) - Indicates they are interested 2) Leaning forward, if person is sat opposite to you - indicates they want to be closer to you 3) Eye contact - indicates they are listening to you and can show honesty 4) Touching/feeling - indicates they are comfortable with you 5) Flowing conversation - indicates they are comfortable with you, and not "trying" to force conversation 6) Smiling
There are other signs, both positive and negative, however the ones listed above are subconscious actions.
In my interactions with W in have noted 2, 3, 5 and 6 from the positive section and only no3 from the negative section
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
I read on another thread something about preparing some answers to questions which may come up in conversations with spouse. I think it was on Johnnie1's thread, it may have been a post by Starsky and Sandi, but anyhow....
Some questions which W put to me previously, which I think I need to look at some potential answers in preparation (Just in case) or BITS may have better suggestions.
Q - Are you seeing anyone as you seem really happy (I can see this one coming up again)
A1 - No A2 - No I am not seeing anyone, there is only 1 person responsible for my happiness, me A3 - Sorry W, but we are S, so feel that this is irrelevant A4 - Why are you?
My preference is No3
Q - Would you have me back after everything which has happened (likely not to come back up, but who knows with a WAW who seems to be in a MLC)
A1 - (Previous response) Only if we both realise how much work we would both need to do A2 - I don't know, I am working through how I feel at the moment A3 - Sorry, W, I said that I no longer wanted to talk about us A4 - Why don't you tell me what you want A5 - Why don't you tell me what you want, instead of asking me first before you will commit
My preference is No2
Some other stuff
I am sure W's LL's are word of affirmation and quality time, so have been aware to make eye contact, given them my full attention etc, however
Is telling W she looks good (even if she doesn't) classed as pursuing, or putting pressure on her to return the compliment?
I will also, as 25 says, compliment the 1% of good stuff and ignore the bad, fun time only for the kids!
At the end of activiety next week (bowling, pool & airhocky), I will not ask her to come next time we are going, I will wait for her to mention it (so no pursuing or pressure) if W doesn't mention it I will leave it, so her memory of me can click in over the next few days. W knows we go and when we are there......
I set some boundaries last time W was meant to join us, I wont tell her again as she knows them, however......
What if W does starts shouting, arguing with kids or swearing etc, I set the boundary to just leave
should I enforce this?
Play it by ear?
Mention what I had said, and say come on W, no more?
She may just test the waters on this, as W has commented on my changes, and may look to see if the words are backed up with actions!
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
OK, I am a newbie here, so take my opinions for what they are worth.
First, I would go with answer #1 for the first question. Plain and simple, letting her know you don't need to defend against her suspicions or impress her that you are moving on. I think #3 seems somewhat adversarial, as though you are withdrawing to somehow "punish" her for leaving you. I think you are just trying to show that your life will go on if she leaves, that you are your own person.
On the second question, I would go with #4. Asking you about your response to an attempt at reconciliation is an attempt on her part to broach the subject without being vulnerable. If you say "yes," then you are showing that you want her back, and assuming all the risk. #4 requires her to take responsibility for her intent, if she wants to pursue this subject. Being overly vulnerable while she stays in the position of control moves you in the direction of being desperate, and that, from what little I understand of DB, is not going to help your relationship. If she wants to initiate an attempt to reconcile (taking control of the situation), then she must be the one to take the risk (vulnerability). If you were trying to do it, the rule would be the same for you. #2 is good in that it is honest, and that is really all you want to be. But I like the directness of #4 as putting the ball back in her court.
As far as your boundaries are concerned - YES, stick with them! One thing about DB that has struck me is the extent to which it is about boundaries - letting the spouse know that he/she is NOT the center of your world, having your OWN life, not being someone who constantly leans on the spouse but someone on whom the spouse can lean, standing up independently. If you set a boundary and then back off from it, you are telling her that you do not function independently of her, as you could not follow through with something you wanted to do for fear of pushing her away.
You are your own person - she can't possibly fall in love with someone who is not (who falls in love with a non-person?). You have to be strong, and follow through on your well thought out decision.
OK, my opinions are strong. But again, I am only a newbie to this. Anyone else's opinion?
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
My preferences to your potential Qs: Q1) 1. Number 3 seems condescending to me. Simple is generally better Q2) 2. Honest and simple.
If your W doesn't look good, why would you tell her she does? A simple 'nice to see you' is probably a better compliment in that case. And yes, it can be pursuing.
One thing I've had to learn for myself (still work in progress) is not worrying about the 'what if..'s. What if W is rude, what if she starts yelling, what if the alien in her stomach pops out while it's my turn to bowl, getting bile all over the floor causing me to slip and making me miss my spare. You see my point (I think I had one). Those kinds of thoughts drag us down. No expectations = we can relax and be ourselves.
But to answer your question, if she starts acting up, perhaps you could quietly ask her to step aside with you and calmly ask her not to do the things she's doing. It works well with me when I remember to do it.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
W asked to have a chat, made cup of tea, went out in garden for cigarette
No telling her how nice she looked, was cool and calm throughout, LOTS of eye contact either way, W talked about her work and what she had been up to, I listened and listened some more, didn’t talk about me at all.
W tells me of the “effort” she has been making with kids, and IMHO she seems to be calmer and seems to have done some thinking!
Long chat about S12 and some concerns she has (W found some burnt paper in his room, looks like he had got W’s lighter etc etc etc, so need to watch this)
W was really nice, calm and seemed to be more comfortable
After W left had a chat with D14!!!!
When W came round to pick kids up on Wednesday after school (I was at work) D14 said W walked around the lounge and kitchen, and when W was in the kitchen she went through the cupboards and looked in the fridge! Then had a look around the lounge.
Then D14 tells me a couple of other bits, conversation something like this (between W and D14 on Monday)……
W – Do you think dad has a girlfriend D14 – Don’t know, he goes out quite a lot and doesn’t tell us where he goes W – That’s strange isn’t it
Then D14 tells me that they had a conversation regarding Christmas and where they will be, and that W said, well I don’t know, it depends if me and your dad aren’t together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Again, don’t know what any of this mean, but I’m still moving forward……….
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
First things first, *don't* get too excited or get expectations from this.
OK, now that I've said that, it does look like your W is a little confused and curious about your life. That's a good sign. That could change in an instant, which is why I put the warning first.
The talks about the kids sounds like it went well. Happy to hear that, hope the two of you can build upon that.
Keep on keeping on and I think you will do great!
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
