Actually, from reading the book that I mentioned 2 posts ago, I found out that for men, shame drives disconnection and for women it fear.
Here is some of what I have learned:
Most of the time mens shame and womens fear are unconcious. Both Men and women it seems have inherent vulnerabilities that are biological and present at birth. Baby girls for example are sensitive to isolation and lack of contact. This heightened sensitivity makes women react strongly to a persons anger, withdrawal, silence or other sign of unavailability. Both boys and girls experience shame (the stop and hide response), but boys, are more sensetive to it and can only take small doses of eye contact due to their hyperarrousal (the fight of flight) they have to guard themselves to overstimulation. That's why when men feel shame, you will see the tip off indicators of resentment or anger.
"It's not our innate differences in fear and shame that drive us apart; it is how we manage the difference. If you manage them with criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal or blame, your relationship will fail."
Eye contact is the primary source of intimacy throughout our lives.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
