I haven't truly looked into her eyes when we are talking since we were dating, it occurred to me today that, that large part of our communication was missing. I dont know why I havent looked into her eyes more when we talk, i suppose it made me feel uncomfortable because my eye might wander which it does sometimes, but, no matter. I definitely feel like we were starting to connect again on a very basic level. Nice gentle soft talk.
You know I hear what you are writing. I can't relate to the wandering eye thing, but mine was definitely insecurity. I have no specifics other than it was "Nice Guy" syndrome. Inner fears of not being true to yourself kind of thing.
It's amazing when you really fix yourself and learn that you can be a man who is confident in himself. It's just really attractive to women. When they get the feeling that you KNOW who you are, they do like you as much as you like yourself.
Good job Johnnie, but it's a tiny baby step. Just keep getting strong and more confident. It's you that has to look at himself in the mirror every day.
Actually, from reading the book that I mentioned 2 posts ago, I found out that for men, shame drives disconnection and for women it fear.
Here is some of what I have learned:
Most of the time mens shame and womens fear are unconcious. Both Men and women it seems have inherent vulnerabilities that are biological and present at birth. Baby girls for example are sensitive to isolation and lack of contact. This heightened sensitivity makes women react strongly to a persons anger, withdrawal, silence or other sign of unavailability. Both boys and girls experience shame (the stop and hide response), but boys, are more sensetive to it and can only take small doses of eye contact due to their hyperarrousal (the fight of flight) they have to guard themselves to overstimulation. That's why when men feel shame, you will see the tip off indicators of resentment or anger.
"It's not our innate differences in fear and shame that drive us apart; it is how we manage the difference. If you manage them with criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal or blame, your relationship will fail."
Eye contact is the primary source of intimacy throughout our lives.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
"It's amazing when you really fix yourself and learn that you can be a man who is confident in himself. It's just really attractive to women. When they get the feeling that you KNOW who you are, they do like you as much as you like yourself."
I haven't had much changes to report lately, I have been sticking to my 180s and working on GAL. My W has gone away for the weekend to somethingfest, which is a large outdoor music festival. Her and her 'friends' are camping over night last night and tonight in their girlfriends tent trailer (or so she says). My wife is suddenly into country music something that she would never have listened to just 18 months ago. It's kinda funny because her music of choice is pop or what she calls "boom boom" music, so different.
I am having a tough time keeping my mind from questioning as to whether she is truly with the girls, or if she is with OM. It's hard to know what to think after the A was revealed. I truly have lost all my trust in her. Sometime I feel really hopeless about our sitch, and other time I am very optimistic. This brings me to my question:
Should I be working on fostering more open communication with her, or should I be keeping my distance and pulling away?
She seemed to respond positively on Thursday night at my sons swimming lessons, when we talked and I made good eye contact. I have noticed that when I pull away, she does not seem to draw closer. If I didn't know better, I would think she is reading this DB board or getting tipped off to my thoughts.
I have resigned myself to the fact that my W is no longer the person I fell in love with and married. She is behaving like she is 18 again. I am trying to be patient, but it is difficult. I only ever show her my strong, confident independence. I know I will have to put in a lot more time and effort before she possibly wakes yp.
I wonder if her change in behavior is because she was a mother so young at 22. Is this behavior now, her early MLC?
I really miss the girls (my daughters), they have been gone a full week now. I call them every day and we say their bedtime prayers over the phone. It is good to still have that connection. My son would never admit it but he misses his sisters too. He and I have been doing lots together while the girls are gone and it has boosted our relationship greatly. I like to sit on the porch swing and read, and he has taken up that too. He has struggled with reading this whole year. He was at a grade 2 reading level and he is in grade 4. The reason he is behind is because he is so strong in math and science (he is at a grade 9level). Next year he is going into a gifted science program to keep him stimulated. He did end the year with a 'B' in reading, so he made great improvement. My goal for him this summer is to continue to encourage his reading to strengthen his proficiency and confidence. I am VERY proud of him, and I make sure I tell him that too.
I have been starting to save boxes, and put them in the laundry room. I will just keep building up the pile as we get boxes from groceries etc. I can see my W throwing them all out one day though because she won't like the clutter. I will feel good when she knows that I am moving forward. As far as any other things I can do to work on my behaviors, I can't think of anything more. I am happy with the man I am today.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
Since you discovered your wife's affair, why aren't you just operating from the assumption that she IS with him on a weekend such as this?
To do anything less than that is just naive, in my opinion, and it's driving you crazy. It's far better to assume the "you're already dead" (Band of Brothers) or the "Stockdale Paradox" position (Google that one -- it's awesome), and then work your way from that, in my opinion.
I completely hear you about the country music thing. My W is the same way. She would not go to a country music concert, yet she went to the country music festival... of course... OM was there and "they" all went together with camp sites beside each other...
It is fun to think that our spouses are DBing us. But then their goal would be to look for and then to course correct appropriately if we reacted positively... sadly, that is not the case...
As far as the boxes go, it remains... Keep them to use them, not for her to notice. Whether it ends up her using them or you, the future only knows. If you are keeping them for any other reason... you might as well chuck them and stop collecting...
I don't know why I feel the need to analyze it... I'm just trying to understand what my role in this is that got us here.
I think that with understanding comes empathy, which is part of forgiveness. I am trying to work my way to a point where I can forgive her. I would hope that if the roles were reversed, she could forgive me too. In the end, forgiveness is not for her, but for me, so that I can move forward, whatever direction that may be.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
