I am the devil....

[AntoniaB]

Don't worry about how you are perceived. Her "perception" shifts with every minute. She is not in a position to "judge" you. You have to live with yourself. If the best way to live with yourself is to avoid potential further hurt or conflict, and that means detaching/not talking if she "wants to talk", then don't do it. (her wanting to talk often seems like it's more or less filled with her making accusations and you taking it. Don't give her the opportunity to hurt you.)

I think the one thing I really screwed up on myself was putting too much stock in every single conversation or moment that occurred. I'd think "well if there was any chance at getting him back, you blew it when you acted human and...."

You know what? it's never going to come down to ONE conversation or ONE reaction of yours to her IF she decides to want to reconcile. No one has that good of a memory. It's going to come down to whether she really understands what happened and whether she wants to try to work on things. As long as she is blaming you for this, that, or the other, she is NOT in a position to renegotiate your marriage, and face it, you do not in your core really want a relationship with someone who treats you this way. Remove all that she was in the past. REMOVE IT. Look at the way she is now. YOU DON'T WANT THIS IN YOUR LIFE. It's brutal, it's painful, it's a "relationship" built on her saying jump and you saying how high.

The biggest thing we have to overcome is understanding that the person that they are now is NOT who they were. It's like our spouses have died. Maybe they will come back...some day. But correct me if I'm wrong, those whose spouses have come back to a newly negotiated and strong relationship took YEARS to come back.

Try to wrap your head around that, YEARS. This is why we all have to stop putting so much stock in what happens every day or every moment or every conversation as far as what they SAY to us or what they WRITE to us. For them, I wonder, does time fly, when for us, it crawls? We have to live as if time is NORMAL.

It's all in our perception of it, Tad.

Ok look, I'll get off that stuff and get on to something else--regarding you. I know that you are working to get a job. I know how hard that is, too. I wonder, is there something you can get into part-time, perhaps not in your field of expertise, but just, something?? Something to give you some income and keep you occupied? Not having a job to go to can really open up the hours in the day, where you're really feeling time just crawl. And you have to get to a point where time feels normal to you. Maybe a part-time job or even some small volunteer work would help fill some time and take your mind off what's going on.

Just a thought. Hang in there. It's going to get better and Tad, whether you know it or not, it already is.