Im just going to give up.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

It depends on the state you are in Rue, among other things. Hopefully someone will stop by with more experience in this.

Affairs can fade in time.

As for your own identity, what did you enjoying doing that you put aside for your family? Can you take that up again.

True it might be easier to do without those D papers around, but that is not the case. They are there so wondering what would have been easier is sort of pointless. Not being mean, just saying deal with what you have.

[Rue]

DelinquentGurl,

Thanks for writing. I have been told this is the time to find me. Truthfully I dont even know where to begin and truthfully I cant get my mind off of all this. Why doesnt the spouse who is left behind have a say? Why is that? Why is this just H decision? I have no valid reasons what the heck I did wrong. Obviously bad enough for him to seek OW. You are right by saying this is the hardest thing ever. I have done the hair cut the way I want it, I pray, I journal, I have joined support groups but this situation fills my thoughts each minute. What did I do? Why is she better? Have I been dooped all these years? Im so afraid. Im so scared.

[Timetotry]

Rue,

My heart goes out to you. We all ask the same questions.

I only answer it myself with "God has a life lesson or purpose in all of this that we may not know why until our death bed".

Just trust in him, let life "be" and as time goes on, you WILL feel better.

Its hard, very hard.

You found this board, we are all here to support each other in any way we can.

Some make it through, some don't.

This experience, as painful as it is, will make YOU a better person.

Believe.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Rue as you can see, I'm around the same age you are.
If I've learned one thing through all this....

This is a good time to start loving YOU.
Appreciate you for all the good qualities you do have, and start improving the ones you don't.
This is NOT about you. I repeat, it is NOT about you.

It is about him and HIS human frailty, HIS fear,HIS anger/resentment.

Rue focus on getting your mojo back, your confidence, your self esteem ,do what makes YOU happy.

Stop living in fear, start living in love for yourself.
Where fear exists love cannot.

I know this sounds so hard, and at first it really is a difficult thing to get your head around.

Your H. did not make you live because he loved you.
Your H. did not create who you are...God did, with and with your help and will you are who you are today.

A marriage is not about two broken halves coming together and making a viable whole. It is about two WHOLE people coming together in joy to ADD to each other's lives.

Your H is broken right now. You are bruised.

Take this time to make yourself whole again.


Just my 2cents

[Telemark]

Hello, Rue, stopping in to add some thoughts...

"I have no valid reasons what the heck I did wrong. Obviously bad enough for him to seek OW."

How true. You've looked back at your marriage and said to yourself, "Sure, I made mistakes. We had some tough times. It wasn't perfect. But did it deserve this?"

No, it didn't. But our WASs have rewritten the marriage history to help support their selfish actions. They will recall every hurt, every injustice, every angry word, but become quite forgetful when asked to recall anything good.

At the risk of seeming egotistical and self-serving, I'm going to quote myself from my own thread, not that it is a deep profound thought, but it is what I think we all need to remember:

"My point is that even in the middle of the crap we are all going through, life goes on. We can sit on the sidelines, stay stuck and bemoan our situations or we can reinvent ourselves for the good of ourselves, our family, our friends and others we haven't met yet.

For any newcomers that have landed here and are reading this, I know the intense pain and despair you are feeling right now. And it may sound like a cliche, but it will get better as time goes on if you take charge of your own life, your own emotions and your own activities. Don't get stuck. Get out of the house. Surround yourself with good people. Move your body. Turn off the TV. Read inspirational books and articles. Volunteer to help those who need help. Do something; do anything."

Distancing yourself emotionally, mentally and physically from your situation will help you keep your self-respect, self-esteem and sanity. Easier said than done but once you start, you'll gain momentum.

[Rue]

To all who have written a response to me....

Thank You all so much. Please keep it coming. I want to just give up. I want this to all go away or make a 360 turn, I'd even take a 180 turn. I dont know how to do all the things you wonderful people are saying. I dont feel I deserve to do anything good for myself. Im not trying to sound like Im having my own pity party because I dont believe I am a selfish person at all, its just that each minute my eyes are open, I think about all this. I wonder how I can change it. I wonder will he ever come around. H was suppose to come and get somethings today but the L said not at this time. His clothes have been sitting packed away in the garage for 8 months. He has been here a few times since then and never took them. Now all of a sudden he wants things, a desk, a table to put in storage. Im sure H is mad as heck because the L said no. Its just so dang hard. Its hard to let go of things. I think I could handle this all better if I knew he was hurting or sad even a percentage of what i am. But...I dont think he is. He has someone, the OW, the out of state OW, who he can turn to. I have been getting out more, I joined a D support group, I started reading spirtual books but still this consumes me. But I guess the thing that eats at me the most, besides OW, is not knowing what i did or that he didnt have the decency or courage to tell me what i did. He just walked. Thank You everyone. You encouragement helps.

[~ kd ~]

Maybe Rue... just maybe... it's time to be a little selfish... like going to the store and buying that cute pair of shoes or some sexy number... on a whim... just because... for YOU...

As difficult as it might feel at this time, this is the time that you NEED to get out, do stuff for you, GAL... however that might look for you. Maybe the library, maybe time at the park, maybe a coffee shop to frequent, maybe spending more time with friends that you've been distant from over the past years...

This is YOU time. And if YOU aren't becoming a more rounded, more better, more exciting, more compelling YOU... then what's to make your H curious about you and interested in your goings on and getting closer to you...?

'cause only with that reaction from him, will he realize that your are an AMAZING woman that only a fool would leave...

[~¤DG¤~]

I know it consumes you, it consumed all of us when it first happened.
If your bored, look at my initial post, I was a mess and all over the place.

It's not going to change overnight. But you do have to start somewhere.
Start by looking at yourself in the mirror and repeat "I'm beautiful, I'm worthy, and I"ll be ok."

[Queen_of_Swords]

But I guess the thing that eats at me the most, besides OW, is not knowing what i did or that he didnt have the decency or courage to tell me what i did. He just walked. Thank You everyone. You encouragement helps.

Rue, you like the rest of us, likely had a few behaviours percieved by your spouse as negative, that he initially saw as a positive in the beginning of your M. Or, you rubbed each other's emotional sore spots so regularly he couldn't take it anymore, or you both got complacent, or______________
fill in the blank.

Rue as hard as it is to really understand, his walking out was NOT about you.

Really it wasn't. I know there are days I still can't wrap my head around that reality and I think, " There has gotta be something I can do to bring him back. Something I can do to have him fall in love with me again."

There is nothing I can do, nothing I can say no magic incantion or combination of things that will do that.

The only thing that might, is to become the person you were truly meant to be. That's why the people moderating and trying to help you through this keep saying work on you.

Work on your dreams, ( if you forgot them or didn't have them), work on your known character flaws, work on your attitude, work on your negative behaviours. Do this FOR YOU.

Why? Well why not be the best you can be? Why not invest in YOU for a change?

Why not learn to live well and be happy without someone that doesn't want to be with be you, whatever the reason.
Your happiness didn't and doesn't lay exclusively with him or with the material goods of life.

One day, he may turn around to look back, and he may see what he really had. Then he may understand exactly what he walked away from ,and he left it/you all because of dissatisfaction with HIMSELF, with his dreams, with who he thought he was, and with where he thought he'd be in life. On that day, if it comes, he will realize that YOU weren't exclusively the problem. On that day he will figure out that he had his own garbage to work on too.

By then that won't be your problem anymore. You will have done the hard work of becoming a better, stronger, happy self.

Then you get to choose whether or not you want HIM back.

[AloneAt35]

Rue,

You have gotten so much good advice, but I know when you are in the pit of despair - when you are consumed by the pain and thoughts of the OW and regrets and questions - advice rings hollow.

I am very much like you...I have my strong days, and I have days (like today) where the grief is so intense that it hurts to breath. When you are at the beginning of this journey, and the pain is so raw you can barely endure it, the only thing to do is to focus on surviving.

Here is what do you need to do to survive:
1.) Keep eating.
2.) Get enough rest to think straight.
3.) Don't think about the future!!!
4.) Stay in the moment. (Same as above.)

You are probably saying to yourself, "My husband doesn't want to stay married to me, the only joys I know come from loving and being loved in my marriage, therefore I have no future happiness."

In my darkest moments that is how I feel - so if that is how you feel, I can relate! But if we can realize that NOTHING about the future is guaranteed, if we can give the future over to God or the forces of the universe (however you'd prefer to think about it), then the fear of the future will lessen its grip on us and we can focus all of our energies on just surviving this moment.

Rue, let the future take care of itself. A new you is being discovered and born right now out of this pain. You don't have to do anything to create this "new you" - you are being re-created right now just by enduring this.

When people told me to GAL, I imagined going out with girlfriends, becoming this carefree person, becoming totally self-sufficient in my sense of worth and happiness, discovering new talents and hobbies, etc... Its a beautiful goal, but guess what? Its way ahead of where I am and it may be ahead of where you are too - and that is okay. For me, GAL has entailed literally training myself to be able to sleep alone, forcing myself to get groceries and eat, reminding myself that hygiene matters on the days when I don't see anyone (sad, but when you are very, very depressed and alone for the first time you tend to think, who cares if I put on clean clothes today?). GAL entails not ignoring the people who care about me, finding a way to pay my bills, noticing the small steps I'm taking out of this pit of despair, finding some movie or website or silly TV show that can distract my mind for a few seconds from the pain and despair.

What I'm saying is that when we are hurting as badly as we are, our goals must be smaller, our 'time frames' must be smaller (as in, "I will focus on today and not think about tomorrow until I encounter it...", and our emphasis must be on learning to quiet our minds for small moments because this is the only reprieve we have.

Rue, can you sit or lay in a comfortable spot for a few moments each day and just concentrate on breathing and counting your breaths? As silly as it sounds, hug a stuffed animal close to you when you do this and it may bring you some comfort.

The new you is being born right now - so don't worry about who you will become, you are becoming it already. The future with your husband is UNKNOWN even to him. He may THINK he knows what his future will be, but he DOES NOT. Let your husband run, let him go, give him the opportunity to miss Rue. Sure, that seems impossible right now...how can he miss Rue when he has OW? Well guess what, he only sees her once a month...that gives him a lot of time to miss Rue if Rue were out of the picture tending her wounds.

You are not alone Rue, you are not alone. I truly think I understand your pain.