Well, I am feeling very lonely today. I can't get the thoughts of my W out of my mind.
She is going away this weekend to somethingfest.. She will be leaving tomorrow (Friday) afternoon and coming home maybe Sunday afternoon. Even though she has told me that she is camping with her friends, I still can't help but not believe her. I have the fear that she will be spending her time with OM. I wish she would just adress her feelings about her A and make a decision either for or against our M. Even though I am GALing, she still crosses my mind very very often. I am trying to use the mental stop sign to force those thought of her and him out, but, they are very persistent, and give me a lot of jeolousy.
I guess the one thing this whole sitch has taught me is that my love for her runs VERY VERY deep. I am focussing on keeping the changes going, it really pretty easy, because I have been doing them for so long now. I know that this process is a long term plan. I feel like I am getting more perspective everyday. I just wish she would start to show some signs of "waking up". I have put everything I can remember that I can into effect of the me she fell in love with the first time (with the exception of the mind blowing s-x). What I would give to have that back.
On Saturday to keep myself busy, I am going to rearrange my (formerly our) bedroom to how it was when we were happier. Remember change is good right.
I feel like I Am in a rut right now. I want to make more changes, but, I also don't want to make too many that I won't be able to keep up with them.
I was wondering if anyone could give me a good recommendation on a book about improving communication for married couples. I know that communication, time for each other, electronic distractions (her blackberry texting, and my TV watching and now iPad reading and forum updating) as well as life stresses and children rearing, have all contributed to our long brewing disconnection. My thought is that if I can show my wife that I recognize and am willing to work on those issues, it would become a strength for me (something I have been wanting to change) and would be another 180. It would also help us to communicate better which would be more attractive to her. I do recognize that this is tricky though, because if not done right goes against DB. So sone guidance here would be helpful.
Thanks all
I am GALing, on Friday my son and I are spending the day with my Dad. Then Friday night we are going to my brothers house for his birthday. On Saturday, we will go to church, and after my nephew will come over for a sleepover with my son (he is so lonely, he would never admit how much he misses his sisters).
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
concerning re-arranging your bedroom back to the way it was.
don't do it. it would only remind her that she was happy then and unhappy now. same a showing pictures of a happier time. it doesn't work the way you're hoping it will.
she wont long for the happier days, instead she'll curse the unhappy days.
if anything, make it new.
again, read through what you've written. where you said you were doing something to get her attention or reaction is where you need more work on yourself. in her eyes it would be taken as insincere and therefore unattractive.
and its understandable, the concept of 180s and DB'ing is confusing in that you're here to win back your W. but the things you fix in yourself cant be done for the purpose of winning back your W. your changes are to make yourself more attractive to your W, but you shouldn't do them for that reason.
its the difference between being sincere and being a fake.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
I am doing my best to keep the changes going... I am happy with who I am now. I feel like I am 90% there. The other 10% would be R stuff to work on.
In the end no matter what path my marriage follows, I know that I am proud of me. If my W choses to end our M then I know that it is because of her resistance to take ownership of her part in the marriage breakdown. The sad thing is that since I have been DBing, I haven't seen any improvement in our sitch. Maybe it's just that I am expecting too much too soon, or, maybe there is no hope for reconciliation. The later is hard to accept though because I remember how much in love we once were. What I would give to have that back with her. But until (if) she can learn to grant forgiveness instead of harboring every mistake, her life will continue to be miserable and hopeless. I hope that is not her future. I want only the best life can give her. I tried hard to give her that life, and in doing so It may have contributed to our downfall...
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
Would it be helpful for me to begin working on the things that I see were lacking in our relationship (like communication)? I would work on that for me... But our R may benefit indirectly as well.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
I was wondering if anyone could give me a good recommendation on a book about improving communication for married couples: How to imrove your marriage w/o talking about it. pat love
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Would it be helpful for me to begin working on the things that I see were lacking in our relationship (like communication)? I would work on that for me... But our R may benefit indirectly as well.
Anything you do to becoome the man you want to be will only benefit you and your R.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Why don't you go out? Stop obsessing about stuff that you think is going to make her happy. If you didn't communicate well, then that's something you can work on, but you're not going to do it every second.
Start enjoying your life. Right now you're stuck in limbo. Do you know if your W is seeing the OM?
With the box thing, if you want to assert yourself to her that you don't plan on having your wife disrespect you by seeing another guy while you're with her, now would be the time to pack up her stuff. You can't be half and half on something like this. If you're going to threaten, be sure you're ready to pull the trigger.
Most importantly, start moving on.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Well, I took a leap of faith, and went with my wife to my sons swimming lessons. We were able to talk during his lessons. Small talk and talk about the kids, but it was good.
I made the effort to talk first, and then she talked too when things got silent. Also I made sure to look into her eyes when I was talking and when she was talking. It was pleasant.
I haven't truly looked into her eyes when we are talking since we were dating, it occurred to me today that, that large part of our communication was missing. I dont know why I havent looked into her eyes more when we talk, i suppose it made me feel uncomfortable because my eye might wander which it does sometimes, but, no matter. I definitely feel like we were starting to connect again on a very basic level. Nice gentle soft talk.
The best thing was her stupid blackberry didn't interrupt us even once. I'll count this as a baby step for now.
Now I just have to figure how we can make conversation a priority.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
