Don't know where I am

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I think I'd filter the apartment searches and only show her the ones you think are promising.

[Harrier]

sign, sign, everywhere a sign.

okay so my antsy-ness turned to a bit of a blue mood. (wife didn't know) But I gotta tell you, this DB thing gets easier ..maybe because I am enjoying the time with W and my sons.

Anywho, tonight my w went to put our oldest to bed and I decided to go for a run (not much 3 miles or so) During the run, obviously I was thinking about my situation. I was feeling pretty beat up about it. If you can say nothing, you can say this is a trial.

So I'm wondering about the future, the move out, the marriage, my feelings, her feelings etc. When all of the sudden I hear some music blasting out of a teenager's car approaching a stop sign. As his car and I both reach the stop, I make out the words.

It's Journey & "Don't stop believing." And it was the actual part of the song where those words are song.

How's that X?

[XYZ]

I call that a sign for sure!

[XYZ]

3 miles = not much? WTF. You are crazy.

[Harrier]

3 miles = not much? WTF. You are crazy.

Actually it was my 2nd run of the day. I ran 5 @ lunch.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

“God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world”

My wife, when she first left wrote:

"Have Faith" in a notepad on my kitchen counter.

And almost everytime when I was despiaring over the rotten situation, I would either see or hear the word "Faith."

One of my favorite TV shows, Eureka at the end of Season 1, had Blind Faith playing Can't Find My Way Home, which...well the finale and song pretty much had me bawling like a a baby.

[XYZ]

You have no idea how timely this posting was for me. I'll splain later over in my thread, but thank you.

[Harrier]

When I first posted that I was a dope I had ONE dope moment.

Now I have 2

Okay. I've been kinda peeved with my W lately. I mean things have been light and friendly between us but I saw NO movement on anything. Not that I expected any, but it does get tough day-in and day out.

So I had to go another town to get some information for work. While there I decide to text my wife. I had debated whether this was "pursuing" or what it meant...they I said screw it. If I can handle a bad answer I'm okay.

So I texted her: "Hey there I'm in WH for work. If you or your co-workers would like me to pick up something for lunch like Chipotle lemme know"

The idea was that would get her something (she doesn't get to leave the hospital campus that much) for lunch and drop it off.

She texts me back: You want to meet me at [place of work] for lunch?"

So we ended up having lunch. I told her that I had just planned on bringing something by. She said, "I was thinking about calling your for lunch, but I didn't know when I could do it and didn't want to have to cancel. This works our perfectly."

I thanked her.

It was very nice.

Dope moment #2.

Also, I'd been having an XYZ problem although not to the same extent. My wife is going to IC. She put off making the appt, says she called him, but he didn't call back, etc.
Anywho, today I get a call from the IC (he had my number by mistake, they are only 1 digit off) say he saw that she had called and was getting back to her to set things up.

So she did do exactly what she said but the IC was dragging his feet. I hope he can assist her.

Both put me in a pretty good mood today.

[angel61]

Hey, I like that! We do live from one dope moment to another, eh?

Mine for today is when H called at 11:00 at work to ask me a trivial thing: which was: Did you pay the housekeeper the last time she came? I am like "yeah, why?" he's just, "nothing, just wondering..." C'mon, you just had me on your mind, you dummy

[Harrier]

ho-hum

another really fun weekend with the kids. Again a trip to the beach. We are trying to go to numerous beaches in the area instead of the same old one. Last week, I picked a new one. This week my W did.

On the drive back, I was making her crack up again and I haven't seen her do that in a while. My W is pretty funny too
My 4-year-old is big into Dinosaurs and we were making jokes. My W was always talking about the "Crack-a-dawn" My son goes, Mommy, what kind of dinosaur is that." So we made up that dinosaurs.

Later I was thinking about this trip to the beach and how I am totally different. We left late, traffic was rough, we had to pay $$$ for a parking spot and it was crowded as heck. Before I would have been p!ssed we left late (my pet peeve) and let my W know, I would have complained about the traffic and the cost of parking then with the crowds would have been like "this a waste."

This time I just enjoyed the trip. I was saying things like 'we are in no hurry." "$20 for parking. that's not bad, at least are close and we'd paid $20 no matter when we go here." I don't know if W even picks up on those things.

We did a bit of talk and my W got the idea that she wants to spend a week on the Cape in August - just relaxing. We had originally planned to go on vaca to DC in Aug. But that kinda fell through.

I think between us, kids and her job, the idea of a lazy vacation is appealing to my W. I'm going to try to explore that idea a little more.

But she has to know this will affect the proposed move-out date. We had talked about Aug. 1, but I don't see how that is going to to work. Neither of us has brought it up.

I have another appt with my new IC, tonight. Now we are past the introductory appt.

I'm just trying to fit where I am and where we are. I've always claimed I wasn't piecing, but I'm not really headed toward the D either. I see others who's paths are clearer. Mine is murky.

Still nothing on the affection/marriage front. (didn't think that was going to change.) W did spend about 1/2 hour with me before going to bed and made a point of telling me she was doing exactly that. I kinda decided those don't mean what I think they mean - same with the the kisses and hugs earlier.

I know a few things.
1. I love my W in every way.
2. No. 1 doesn't change how she feels about me.
3. I'm okay with No.2. I mean I wish it were different, but it's not.
4. The only thing I'm sure of with my W is that I am her friend.
5. She looks good in a bikini.
6. I feel a little like X did. I mean I don't know how much more I can take. Part of me wants to let us off the hook by saying throwing in the towel.

I think I said last week about how I didn't know if I wanted to be with someone who didn't want me. Then how it's not my choice.

But I thought about this a little more (as I was folding laundry) It's not that I'm allowing the person to decide. I'm just taking that option off the table.

It's like this

"W, I love you and I know that my behavior has had a cost. This is the culmination of that. I don't know how you feel about me or if you can get romantic feelings back or if you want ML again, etc. I don't know if that will ever happen.
This limbo is very difficult for me and I imagine for you as well.
I think for my sanity and to preserve any positive feelings for you, I needed to move on with my life without you as a partner - in romance and in life.
I think you can agree that this isn't the type of marriage either of us envisioned. We did have a great marriage and that will always be special to me. I will continue to be your partner with respect to the kids.

I'm always open to possibilities down the road, but it seems it's just to difficult of a spot for both of us."

I hate having these thoughts.

Of course, I'm not going to say that. But I imagine if things continue on this track, I can't see it going any other way.

Like I said. I'm starting to see that I don't need my W to make happy. I love her and enjoy her as a person and would love to rebuild our marriage with her. But if it doesn't' happen, I will find a new path.
all this stuff was never about her...but me.