My wife and I have been separated since Thanksgiving of 2010. We’ve a pretty good marriage despite of allot of arguing due to her mother living with us. We have been together for 21 years (since we were 17) married for 14. We have 3 beautiful kids. The oldest (13) has autism. We have been through allot together as a couple. Even though we did have more than our share of arguments, we knew that we were meant for each other.
For the last 8 years, my wife has been in school, work and trying to manage a home. Her mother is very dependent of her, actually, they are dependent of each other. Her mother acts as if she can’t manage on her own, which she very well can. Her mother had constantly interfered in the upbringing of our kids this is where most of my anger came from.
My wife had been overweight the majority of our relationship together. 6 years ago, she had a lap band surgery done. She had lost a significant amount of weight. This was followed by a tummy tuck and breast augmentation. My wife claimed she was doing it for me. I had never asked for this. She did because she was insecure.
Shortly after this surgery, her character started to change. She became obsessed with Face book and trying to look for “old friends”. Face book was something that she was strictly against in the past because she thought it brought problems to the house. I was totally against this because I know the damage that Face book can cause to a marriage and that she also wanted to show off her new looks. This was starting to worry me….
Fast forward to October 5th 2010 1:00 am in the morning, I heard a slam against the house. It was a car with two young boys that lost control and went into my backyard. I tried to pull them out but the car was a wreck. The two boys died there in my back yard. I thought she had handled it well, but now that I’m reading up on MLC and MLC triggers, I think that might have done triggered something in her. Or maybe, bought out something that was already brewing.
Come Thanksgiving, she had planned to go to theme parks. I had asked to please not to, because I feared that it might by my father’s last Thanksgiving. He is 90 yrs old. She totally blew me off and left with her mother and my kids. These theme parks are 3 hours away. After my father refused to do anything for Thanksgiving, I had asked if I could meet my wife and kids for the remainder of the holiday. She flat out told me NO! She also said that she has been needing a separation and time to “find herself”. After begging and pleading, she finally accepted and I drove the 3 hours to get there. It was no more than 2 hours before she has asked me to leave and go back home. Mind you, I got there at 10 pm! So, I respected her and left.
When I came back, I fixed up the house for Xmas so they can come back to a nice home. On the way back, she has clearly asked me to not be there when she got back. So, I left. I did so because we live with her mother and it’s her mother’s home.
Since this moment of this separation, I had asked her to please NOT mention this to anyone and to keep it within our family. Again, she wiped her but with the request and told all her friends and family. Her excuse for the separation was that the mere sight of me made her sick. She started re-writing history claiming it was 20 years of misery with me and all I did was control, dominate and make her life miserable.
When heard all of this, I was in total shock!
During these 7 months, she has been dressing provocatively, she has been talking about getting into professional dancing, then to professional photography and yesterday, she said that she wants to get into roller derby! She has been going out every night clubbing, skating and hanging out with friends to all hours of the night. She has been screaming at our kids telling them that she and their father are NEVER getting back together. She has been lying and creating fictitious stories about why I’m not at the house anymore. She has been spreading rumors of me leaving the house for another woman and that I have been physically abusive to my wife. Here is the kicker, her mother is supporting all her actions and claims that she can’t control her daughter. I’m pretty sure that if her mother was NOT in the picture, she could not be doing the things that she is right now.
During these 7 months, I had been forced to live with my father in his retirement home. I had been patiently waiting to see if she would snap out of this but it looks like she’s not. I spend all my free time at church with my worship team or with my kids. This past weekend, it was my youngest birthday party. She, again, took them to a theme park. She told me that if I wanted to go, that I would have to drive up on my own, stay in a different hotel and in the park, stay away from her and split the time with the kids! WTH!
She has broken all contact with the circle of friends and family that we had due to the reason that when they tried to talk sense into her, she claimed that they all “betrayed her”. There for, she wrote them all letters telling them that they are horrible people and she leaves them in God’s hands. She is spending all her time with single people who accept her behavior. She claims that I turned all our friends against her.
On a daily basis, she spews venomous anger and hatred towards me. She says that my feelings and resentments are pathetic and that I’m a dead beat dad. She said that I ruined the marriage and she is bringing up stuff that happened in our prom in 1990. She claims she has filed for divorce 4 months ago and I have not seen anything yet. Frankly, by the way she is acting, she could careless wither I live or die.
My question is, do you think this is MLC or WAW? Also, as Ive been studying MLC, one thing I know for sure that Ive been doing wrong is that Im really not trying hard enough to detach from her. I understand that they have to experience what would life be without their LBS for them to somewhat “come to their senses”. How in the HECK is that going to happen when shes got mommy supporting the destruction of her marriage? How is she going to miss me, when her mom watches the kids and financially supports her in everything? How will she EVER hit rock bottom?
Me: 37 W: 37 Married Feb 14 1997 Seperated Thanksgiving weekend 2010 No divorce filed yet 1st born son:13 2nd daughter:9 3rd son:4 Trying hard to detach
I'm sorry that you've been through such a wringer these last 6 months, and particularly sorry that you have to find yourself here.
I'll start off by saying that I don't get to these boards much these days. My first wife left me in the fall of 2006 after 20+ years of marriage and managed to have a divorce in hand within three months.
Since then I have remarried to a wonderful woman that I actually first met on these boards. I tell you these things so that you have some context for the thoughts that I share.
I'm no expert; few of us on here are trained experts though we do have the benefit of our experiences and what we learned along the way. Whether your wife is MLC or WAW really matters very little in my opinion - though I remember how siginifant it seemed to be to me when I was in your shoes.
The reality of the situation right now is that your wife has chosen to have you OUT of her life. That is the reality that you have to embrace - and I mean LITERALLY embrace.
Not embrace because you like it or agree with it. Embrace it because despite your feelings, this is the decision that your wife has made, whether it is for the long term or short term.
Your mother in law is NOT your issue, and I doubt seriously that your situation would be significantly different without her involvement. When we are in the midst of this radical change to our life, we tend to seek out causes that if we could only change would make things right again.
The truth is that the cause is within your wife. You cannot change it, your mother in law cannot change it, friends cannot change it, and your kids cannot change it. This is a matter that SHE and only SHE can work through and eventually resolve.
You threw out one of the DB catch phrases - DETACH.
The lingo is not so important. The principle however is.
My experience, especially in looking back now nearly 5 years from my own "bomb", is that one of your biggest struggles is the emotional upheaval inside of you. Divorce has been equated to the death of a close family member, and as a result causes great, pervasive turmoil within. You simply MUST find a way to heal yourself, or anything else you do will likely be negatively affected by your own condition right now.
You back off of your wife because she will only bring you heartache and an increase in your turmoil right now. I swear to you that even when you have what you would classify as a GOOD interaction, all that does is set you up for a harder fall with the next NEGATIVE interaction. This will continue until you take the time and force yourself to deal with the loss in an honest way.
Begin starting a life apart from her. Perhaps you are living with your father for financial reasons, I do not know for sure. But now is the time to start moving forward with establishing a life that is your own.
Of course the problem for you and others in your position is that you take such advice to be a sort of "giving up" on your part. Nothing could be further from the truth. You will choose to hold on to your feelings and your hopes for reconciliation for as long as you need to. I will not advise you on when the time is right to move on emotionally, and no one else should either.
But you do have to embrace the reality that your wife has presented to you, and that means moving on with life. Part of staying with your father I'm sure is the hope inside of you that your wife will "snap out of it" at some point.
All I can tell you is that this is a horrible way to live, and it holds you back far more than you can realize.
I also think that it is well past time that you consult with a lawyer and at least establish a temporary custody agreement. As father, you have the right to regular time with your children, and this should not be under the control of just your wife. Additionally, you need protection financially from whatever she might be doing at this time. Some spouses who engage in the type of activities your wife is doing can create huge financial messes that you are responsible for by virtue of still being the legal spouse.
Again, I'm sorry for the position you are in.
But the best thing you can do for this situation right now is to begin to find a way to accept it's reality and start forging a true LIFE in the midst of this mess. That life includes making sure that you are protected and that you remain an integral part of your childrens lives.
Trust nothing she says. Do not allow your love for her to cause you to give her the benefit of the doubt in situations that could come back to bite you in the butt.
It's time to put on your grown up pants and make responsible, adult decisions based upon the words and actions your wife has given you.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Thank you both for the great advice. I have read many stories here on the boards and I have received allot of tips. Of course, knowing what to do and actually doing it, are two different things. I really have to learn not to fall into her argument traps. On Friday, we were talking about our children and out of nowhere, she told me that I was a horrible person for abandoning my mother when I was 8 years old. She knows very well that my father took me from her because I almost died 3 times on my mother’s watch. I just hung up the phone when I heard that.
I am still being very kind to her despite all the venom spewing. On Father’s day weekend, I was only allowed to spend a couple of hours with my kids because she had the day planned with HER father. Here is the kicker, her father abandoned her mother before she was born. He never paid a dime in child support and never cared for my wife or any of her needs. Yet, all the other children he has had afterwards, are driving Audis, Lexus and BMW’s. My wife never bothered to collect the years of retroactive child support. Yet, I give her money every week (aside from extras I do for her and my kids) and she threatens me legally. I gave my wife EVERYTHING! I had sacrificed SO much for her and gave up allot to make her happy and yet she treats her father like GOLD!
There had been many times during this separation that she has told me that she does not love me, our marriage was a lie, to move on, find another woman and get a life. Well, after patiently waiting 8 months, I decided to go on a date. She got wind of this and told me that she had never said such things to me. When I forwarded her the very same text she sent me stating these things, she said that she meant for me to move on and get my life situated. NOT WITH ANOTHER GIRL! On the same text, she told me that she DOES love me but the reason she doesn’t tell me is because I “frustrate her”.
BTW, are there any links that I can read of an MLC’er that has given his or her testimony of what they felt, acted or outcome of their situation? I would really like to hear how its like on the other side.
Thank you all for your great support. Have a great one!
Me: 37 W: 37 Married Feb 14 1997 Seperated Thanksgiving weekend 2010 No divorce filed yet 1st born son:13 2nd daughter:9 3rd son:4 Trying hard to detach
Thank you both for the great advice. I have read many stories here on the boards and I have received allot of tips. Of course, knowing what to do and actually doing it, are two different things. I really have to learn not to fall into her argument traps. On Friday, we were talking about our children and out of nowhere, she told me that I was a horrible person for abandoning my mother when I was 8 years old. She knows very well that my father took me from her because I almost died 3 times on my mother’s watch. I just hung up the phone when I heard that.
I am still being very kind to her despite all the venom spewing. On Father’s day weekend, I was only allowed to spend a couple of hours with my kids because she had the day planned with HER father. Here is the kicker, her father abandoned her mother before she was born. He never paid a dime in child support and never cared for my wife or any of her needs. Yet, all the other children he has had afterwards, are driving Audis, Lexus and BMW’s. My wife never bothered to collect the years of retroactive child support. Yet, I give her money every week (aside from extras I do for her and my kids) and she threatens me legally. I gave my wife EVERYTHING! I had sacrificed SO much for her and gave up allot to make her happy and yet she treats her father like GOLD!
There had been many times during this separation that she has told me that she does not love me, our marriage was a lie, to move on, find another woman and get a life. Well, after patiently waiting 8 months, I decided to go on a date. She got wind of this and told me that she had never said such things to me. When I forwarded her the very same text she sent me stating these things, she said that she meant for me to move on and get my life situated. NOT WITH ANOTHER GIRL! On the same text, she told me that she DOES love me but the reason she doesn’t tell me is because I “frustrate her”.
BTW, are there any links that I can read of an MLC’er that has given his or her testimony of what they felt, acted or outcome of their situation? I would really like to hear how its like on the other side.
Thank you all for your great support. Have a great one! _________________________ Me: 37 W: 37 Married Feb 14 1997 Seperated Thanksgiving weekend 2010 No divorce filed yet 1st born son:13 2nd daughter:9 3rd son:4 Trying hard to detach
Top
Me: 37 W: 37 Married Feb 14 1997 Seperated Thanksgiving weekend 2010 No divorce filed yet 1st born son:13 2nd daughter:9 3rd son:4 Trying hard to detach
Broken, I don"t post that often but I was an MLC'er who made it to the other side as you call it. I did denial with depression, anger/depression, replay/depression, withdrawal depression and finally acceptance. It was pure H--- goin through MLC. Emotional pain everyday you woke up asking yourself why, when will it end. Getting through the day took every ounce of strength I could muster.
I felt like I was taken over by an alien. Looking into the mirror and seeing nothing. You are so into yourself just trying anything to get out of the fog/funk/cess pool of pain anger resentment. You will do anything that might make you feel better.
I don't want to scare anybody but it is the worst event ever by far in my life.
The ironic part is if you get through it and if your in MLC you will realize that you did get through it, it is a beautiful feeling. It's almost like you have new eyes and see many things clearly. A sense of peace comes into your life. The downside and this is my opinion not a lot of people really make it through the whole way.
I have empathy for people going through MLC bacause it is painful. I am in a good place personally but have an MLC wife now. I don't know what my journey holds but life is a journey.
Thank you for your reply, Spirit, It’s about to be 9 months since this has been going on. I know I shouldn’t be whining because that are allot of heroes here that have been going through this well over a couple of years. So, my prayers and respect goes out to them. Since I’m out of the house, I can’t really tell if she’s depressed. We only communicate via text. She is doing SO much right now in regards to school, work and her extracurricular activities. Her sleeping patterns have changed DRASTICALY. Every time I do see her, she is getting thinner. She has bags under her eyes and when I talk to her it’s like she’s looking right through me in a daze.
There are SO many people telling me to let her go, divorce her and move on. To be honest with you, I’m can’t do that yet. I am a Christian and I’ve been the guitarist for my church for the last 7 years and I have a GREAT support group. I have a little voice in my heart telling me to hold on. There is so much to lose if I just walk away. I do, however, have to do a better job in texting and showing her my emotions a little less. For the last 5 months, she has been telling me the divorce papers are done and they are coming.
I’ve seen NOTHING yet.
She also sends me allot of pictures of her with the kids. I don’t know if she’s is trying to hurt me or she is being genuine. I really don’t know. I feel so left in the dark right now that I don’t know what’s coming or going. I spend allot of time at church, with my kids and friends.
She texted me the other day and told me that she “does love me, but she doesn’t tell me because I frustrate her” also, she said “ If she were to pick a lifetime partner, friend and husband, that it would be me”.
Today for the first time, when I went to pick up my youngest to take him to day care, she sat in the car with me and chatted a little. I put my arm around her and she acts as if she’s scared. She accepted it and stepped out.
When I first started this journey, I was talking to a fellow church member about my situation and he told me, “ Its sounds like she’s having a midlife crisis”. He sent me an article of Christine’s book How To Survive Your Wife’s Midlife Crisis. My wife had every symptom except for the affair, which I couldn’t confirm. She did not say ILYBINILY, but she told me I love you but I can’t be with you. She needs to work on “Her”, she needs to “Find herself”. And the way she was brutal about it even to the kids was mind boggling.
If this is truly over for us, I will accept this on my own time. Not any one else’s. At the end, I want to say that I tried my best.
How long did your MLC last? Were there any regrets?
Thank you very much for your reply.
Me: 37 W: 37 Married Feb 14 1997 Seperated Thanksgiving weekend 2010 No divorce filed yet 1st born son:13 2nd daughter:9 3rd son:4 Trying hard to detach
Broken, My MLC lasted 2 1/2 years. I did do the tough internal work to get through and I can say I made it. I personally am in a good spot. The problem when your in MLC is its painful. You only have the capacity to survive each day. Thats why it seems selfish to the partner but thats the truth. There is no room for someone else in that journey. The MLC'er is too confused with all the termoil. Do I have regrets? None. I sure didnt choose to go through an MLC. If you felt what I felt and was in my brain at the time you would be screaming to get out. I really don't remember about a year of it. Basically a haze. You'll hear some people say I never said that if questioned or don't remember. I think the pain just overwhelms the system.
there is a good life for yourself if you come through MLC. The problem is it is tough on the LBS. My wife stayed through mine. I was going to move out in the middle of it. Just something to do to maybe stop the pain. I did not.
My wife is about 1 1/2-2 into MLC. She moved out about 8 months ago. We communicate very little. That is fine for now as I stay out of the drama. We will see where things unfold. I live my life as if she's not coming back.
I hope she finds the meaning of her MLC, I did find mine. I hope your wife finds hers. MLC is a brutal trip. I would not wish it on anyone but it is a worthwhile trip if you make it. We learn more about ourselves in times of anxiety and pain then we do any other time. It just goes against our nature to embrace those times.
Im glad to hear you came out of your MLC and that you are doing well. Im sorry you went through this ordeal.
If Im not mistaken, my wife is currently in "Replay". Since we've been seperated last Thanksgiving, she has had the freedom to come and go as she pleases. Im supporting her financialy and her mother is watching the kids when she goes out skating, clubbing etc etc. She has it very easy and is currently living in her home with our kids. She really cant have it any better. Yet, when she sees me, she has so much resentment,anger and hatred towards me that sometimes I feel like giving up and that theres no hope. Shes currently brining up stuff that happend at our PROM 20 years ago. She says that our whole marriage has been a lie and that Im the source of her misery. Im with my kids everyday and they love their time with me. Yet, she calls me a deadbeat dad, a loser and a poor excuse for a human being. WOW!
The very first day I stepped out of the house, she took down every picture of her and I and put it in my office room facedown. On her Facebook, she also took down every picture of us and glorifying her mother as her saviour! Also, she had put pictures of her and other men on her profile photo. When our freinds got back to me asking why, I was humiliated and embarassed. When I confront her about this, she claims that those men are just friends. Freinds or not, not every one would know this and the assume that there is something going on. She is still married and its VERY disrespectful. Yet, she feels like she is doing absolutley NOTHING wrong!
So, now that most of our freinds are gone from HER life, she claims that I turned everyone against her and she hates me for it. She wrote emails and texts messages to her best friends telling them to go F-off and that they are traitors.
When I research MLC and their testimonies, I keep reading the magic number 2. Most of them have said that their MLC lasted 2 years. Even from freinds that went through something similar, they told me that their turmoil was 2 years.
This replay is BRUTAL!Sometimes it feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I have read that 80% of MLC'ers come back to their marriages. Is there any truth to this stat?
Me: 37 W: 37 Married Feb 14 1997 Seperated Thanksgiving weekend 2010 No divorce filed yet 1st born son:13 2nd daughter:9 3rd son:4 Trying hard to detach
Broken, I think most MLC'ers hate themselves. That's why they spew hate anger resentment. They have to blame someone and your the closest one. I hated myself in my MLC and transferred it to my wife. I didnt tell her like your wife is doing but I felt it strongly.
I don't do the stat thing so I can't tell you one way or the other.
I stay out of the line of fire and would suggest you do the same. I have many GAL activities now and it takes up a lot of my time. I have dated a couple times but I've decided I'm not really feeling it so I do fun things, take trips and be the best parent I can be.
Your wife sounds like she is in replay. Until she looks inward and releases her anger and comes to grip with the journey she is on there really isn't much you can do. Listen to the people on this board and read the materials. Get a life for yourself. She may not come back. And the 2 year thing don't count on it. You set yourself up for disappointment.
I was not this way when the bomb went off but through the people here, the materials, books, etc I am getting better. There will be life after this event in your life whether it is with your wife or not.
Give yourself a chance and detach from the situation so your not bitter if she does make that attempt. Your wife is floundering in the fog. Give her the space to find herself.
