I am the devil....

[tadpole1025]

Wow. Thanks everyone.

I'm just journaling/venting/whatever right now. This board helps alot. It is 9am and I still havent been to sleep. I keep thinking what W said the other night about being unhappy for so many years. That hurts and I wonder if it is really true. Sometimes I think that it may be true. Other times I know it isn't true at all. I'm just as confused is she is.

MLC is very much a real deal. If it wasn't, how can explain the HUGE amount of similarities between every MLC'er's sitches? From the actions right down to the words they use. It's so similar it's scary.

I've thought a lot about this and yes, it is very scary.

She is still the "alien" and not the person I married and had children with.

MHL, you have no idea how true this is for me too man. I don't even know her these days. She used to hate the thought of divorce. Now, "it's no big deal. People do it everyday."

In my case, my stbx has been pushing me away and holding onto me at the same time. She is convinced she can control and that we can be friends.

This is the part I don't understand AJ. If she thinks that I am such a horrible person, why in the world would she want to be my friend? It's funny - one day she wants to be friends and the next day she doesn't. (Only because she says that I don't want to.) Yes, I even get blamed for that. She is one messed up chick.

Let me know if you needed something different from me. I'm a bit sleepy and my fingers are running off at the mouth...

Haha. Anything you can offer my friend is great. Thank you.

Do you want to be married......actually do you want to have any type of R with someone that treats you like your wife treats you?

I don't think I do. I want the W I used to know. The woman she is now is believe it or not, just about everything she is accusing me of being.(controlling, manipulative, mean.....) Funny isn't it?

Would you want to be with yourself right now? Think about it for a sec....how do u view yourself right now?

Actually, no. I honestly can look in the mirror and see a loser. I failed at my marriage and apparently it is all my fault according to my best friend of 25 years.

I will check out your thread Eric.

Go dark buddy....and then focus on your healing.

Don't think I can go much darker buddy.

I love this:

What does a tiger do when it is hurt? Answer: it separates itself from the battle and then licks its wounds and rests? When it feels strong again it comes back out.

Going to remember that.

We don't know what "always works" to get them back. We only "know" some things that seem to make them stay away...which is focussing on THEM.

Got it 25. I've heard it a million times. Sometimes I just can't seem to get it.

I'm not saying some exes don't come around and deliberately hurt us. But if we AGREE to engage with them in any conversation, ANY conversation that opens the door to them saying something that hurts us, or if we look at fb or anything else to see what is going on with them, as a way to validate in our minds just how crazy they've become, who's doing the hurting now? It's not them. It's US. We're hurting ourselves.

Thanks Antonia. I've missed you bunches. If I don't talk to her when she wants to talk, won't I be perceived as an a$$hole? Won't that just validate what she is doing? I guess the question is, how will I know when to talk to her?

I think this is what everyone has been telling you and it's painful for us to see you seeming so stuck in your own form of replay.

Yes, I am progressing, but you are right. I do seem stuck. I wish I could just find a job to help keep my mind off of things. I would actually be homeless right now if my mom wasn't helping me with the bills. Yes, it is that bad.

I am in such a weird spot. Last night I was thinking that I would love to have her back and then I thought no.....I don't know if I COULD have her back. She used to be such a wonderful person. Now.....she's a snake. I guess now I know why they call it the change of life.

Do any of you have any idea why she would be upset about my FB relationship status being "seperated?" I really don't know why that would bother her.

I guess that is for now.

PEI - if you are out there, I would love to hear from you.

Tad