Life, the Universe and DBing

[~¤DG¤~]

Well, I am sure plenty of women here can assure you that one can never have too many pairs of shoes, especially black ones.

I can't believe I took that many either, and now that I am in a better place I am happy I stopped. It really can be dangerous.

I'm glad your doing better.

[jbnati]

I guess your darkness has come with a price tag now. LOL

I have taken melatonin to assist with sleep. Sometimes it works well, sometimes it doesn't work at all. I also take a couple benadryl, but that's for my allergies.

8 1/2 miles running. Not too shabby! Especially after the layoff due to sickness!

[LearningPatience]

Thanks for reminding me that I've got melatonin in my medicine cabinet.

I was also wrong about something: I *did* break my finger in Toronto. Nothing too bad, but I've got a splint for three weeks. At least my face is healing fine...

One other piece of good news (not sure it counts as GAL) is that I'm going to buy a new car soon. Something small and inexpensive. I've been pre-approved for a loan, so just need to do a few test drives to make sure what I want.

Off to run in the heat now. Therapeutic in it's own way..

[LearningPatience]

Just a few random thoughts and feelings this morning.

First, it's hard to type with a splint on your middle finger. Normally I'd be 'happy' that it's my left hand, but that's where all the 'cool' keys are. Nice little reminder of things *not* to do anymore.

I've been missing W more lately. There's a huge gulf between what I *want* to do and what I will do. I want to reach out to her and see how she is doing. I will stay dark until W makes contact first.

I've got two things coming up that will be hard on Saturday. First one is my running club. Every other week, their route goes right by W's house. I don't think I'll ever see this, but I dread seeing OMs car there at 7:30 am. Second thing is the wedding and reception we're going to that day (separately of course). What I dream happening is W coming up to me and talking and we hit it off like new people getting to know each other. What will likely happen is that we will each glance at the other through the night and neither of us will go talk to the other. Guess we'll see.

Part of me wants to ask SD how her mom is doing. Part of me also wants to ask SD how *she's* doing with all this going on. Again, the gulf between what I want to do and what is the right thing to do (i.e. not ask).

It's coming up on 1 year of S and last ML. Might explain some of my feelings, might just be missing her. Yet, despite all that, I do like living alone and I don't want to go back 'home' unless we are working on our R/M.

It might also be that despite the melatonin, I still woke up at 2:30.

[LearningPatience]

Today's flavor: bittersweet.

The story begins last night. When S14s mom came to pick him up, we had a talk with him on why we were taking the internet away from him (bottom line, no trust). He went on a 45 tirade/rant/cry about how lonely he is, how awful the outside world was and how he'd rather just live inside his thoughts than interact with the world. Painful to hear all that. Had to have a glass of wine to calm me down after they left!

Woke up at 2:45 and couldn't go back to sleep. Went to running club this morning and found some people with the same pace and distance as me, so that was great! Ran by Ws house on the way out, and I was relieved OMs car wasn't there, though I don't know if he's ever spent the night anyhow. Sure wouldn't while SD is around. Ran 9 miles (yay!) and on the way back saw that she (or someone) had finished the siding I had taken down in May. It looked good and I wasn't sure how I felt about it. I'm glad she got it done in any case, no matter who did it.

Had C appointment to discuss S14 after that. C is somewhat helpful, but we kind of feel like she thinks we are exaggerating the severity of his sitch. One thing that did come up is that S14 is angry at W for cheating on me (he doesn't have any gory details thankfully). He has enough of his own issues, I hate that my issues are affecting him.

I just got back from a good friend's wedding. W got there with mutual friends right after me. Made a little smalltalk with her and we were near each other talking for a bit before and after the ceremony. We each complimented the other on our looks. Mutual F sat between us during the ceremony. OM came later and sat a few rows back. Minister went on about a lot of marriage type things and in the back of my mind I wondered what W was thinking. I was smiling and enjoying myself the whole time and am very happy for the newlyweds. It was also bittersweet in that it was about a year ago we S and all of our friends at the wedding know our sitch.

Now, just have to get through the reception. Faking it if I have to...

[LearningPatience]

Well, I made it through the reception

I had a good time. I smiled and genuinely laughed a lot. Pretty good DBing, but could have been much better. W and I exchanged glances several times during the night. I know I should have acted as if we were total strangers, but I just had to look. Then again, she had several glances at me also. The only time I spoke with her that night was when she came towards my table. I thought she was coming to say hi to me, so I said hello. Turns out she was coming to talk to the person next to me. Whoops!

I left kind of early (10pm) as I hadn't slept much the night before and I didn't want any more to drink. W was still there (had just refilled her wine when I was leaving), her ride had already left, so I suspect OM drove her home. Wouldn't be the first time. As long as she wasn't driving herself; I know she had at least a few glasses of wine.

On to some GAL for the day, Meeting friends for lunch, already ran 3 miles and I need to clean my car up if I'm going to use it for a trade-in. Grocery store at some point and I guess I could fit in some relaxation time (if I knew how to do that:)

Oh, one other thing. A couple who has been one of her only sets of friends lately came over and talked to me for a while. I had assumed that since I went dark on W they wouldn't have anything to do with me but they were very friendly and we caught up with each other. I invited them to come over for dinner next week since they'll be in town. It'll be nice to see them again, I missed their company (since W and I don't do things as a couple with them anymore).

[GAL Man]

Glad to see your doing ok LP.

Wedding.......... must have been a difficult one, see why you called it bittersweet.

I think the gal stuff is the most important thing for the LBS, I have not stopped when I have the kids, need a rest myself....

[LearningPatience]

Today's word of the day: surreal

Last night at the reception, friend told me he was going to a sports bar to watch USA v Brazil soccer. Told him I'd meet him there, expected a group of us. Got there and only person there was OM. Figured friend was on his way so I sat down and ordered. OM told me friend might not make it as a bunch of people went out last night after the reception and friend might not have his car. Well, ok, I've already ordered and I can watch the game and ignore him. Half hour later, W walks in. I kinda thought she might show up too, but I *never* thought it'd just be the three of us. As odd and uncomfortable as it sounds, I enjoyed being there.

W started up a lot of small talk with me, including things she'd have had to heard from others as they were things we had never discussed. I brought some things up with her too, mainly light. She mentioned that her D was worried about my S14; rather than go into it, I just told her that he was having a really hard time now. At one point I told W I had a few things on my desk that's I'd like to pick up sometime. Told her I'd arrange a time. She said no problem, and that she left a few things for me on the desk herself. Talked about a few other family things, mainly involving SD.

One interesting thing is that OM hardly talks when I'm around, so it was like W and I were just talking amongst ourselves. Now, when I'd get up to use the bathroom and come back, OM was chatting up a storm. Good thing I can hold it in for a while

All in all it was a pleasant, if not weird, lunch. As soon as the US won on penalty kicks I said my goodbyes and left the two of them. Now it's on to the rest of today's plans: groceries and relaxing.

[LearningPatience]

Well, not a lot noteworthy today, but I did have a couple of conversations that might be worth mentioning.

I was talking with 1st W this morning on her way to work (she often calls to discuss kids then). Was talking about the car I'll get and the colors, co-worker thought one of the available colors screamed MLC.

M: yeah, my coworker thinks if I get that color it shows my MLC
1st W, quietly: I think you've already been through that
M: (nervous laugh) yeah, I guess I have. Just have to deal with someone else's now

1st W was talking about when I was the WAS and pretty much fit the descriptions everyone has mentioned about 10 years ago.

This afternoon, MIL called me and let me know that BIL and his family were visiting next week. She invited the boys and I over to come visit then. After that, she asked if there were any blow ups at the wedding W and I both attended. Told MIL it was really nice and also told her about the lunch between W, OM and I yesterday. MIL's comment was that she was sad that W never learned that R's are hard and that you don't give up at that point. She (MIL) knew that I tried and appreciated it. MIL was also happy that we were communicating, and I think she understands why I went dark. I told MIL that I didn't think W was done with me yet. Time will tell, eh?

I'm going to talk to SD tonight about doing something Fri evening after she gets her wisdom teeth out in the morning. Ice cream sounds appropriate. Also not going to contact W, no real reason to right now.

In an unrelated thought, I filled out paperwork to buy my new car this afternoon. Just waiting for it to come off a boat in Seattle, so who knows when I'll get it. Getting a good deal, but I was hoping to get it before SD leaves just so I could show her in person. Oh well, she may need to settle for pics.

[LearningPatience]

Journaling, because page 5 gets lonely...

I was supposed to have a couple over for dinner last night, but the guy (someone I worked with for years) had work issues so they couldn't make it. That's too bad, my stuffed peppers were pretty good The female half of the couple called later, apologized again and we'll try to find a time this weekend or next week. The reason I bring it up here is that this woman is W's best friend. In a way, having them over is like DBing by proxy. Or to paraphrase Miranda, anything I say can and will be used in the court of W.

First W and I took S14 to psychiatrist appt yesterday, and she took him to psychologist later in the afternoon. They haven't formally diagnosed him with this, but they both hinted at bipolar, which doesn't surprise me I just want someone to help us get him better, both because he's so miserable and because he's driving the rest of us crazy! Bummed me out for a while this morning, but I started researching it and that helps me cope with things. It's always more special to have multiple crises going on...

SD is having her wisdom teeth out tomorrow morning. I've decided to send W an email a couple of hours after the surgery to see how SD is doing. SD and I are supposed to go out tomorrow night for ice cream, we'll see how she feels.

It's a good thing I named myself LearningPatience here, not just for my R/M, but because I'm getting a new car, and it's still on a boat to Seattle and I don't know when it will be here. I want my new toy, and I want it now!