Stop the Coaster, I want OFF!

[FaithnAK]

^^^^

What 25 said.

What GB said. Awesome post btw GB

DUDE! Really? Your Wife is in passive state. Go get a book, research this. UNDERSTAND that your M isn't $hit right now.

Your W is definitely coming around, but she is SICK Bro. She needs help. This conversation is pointless until meds are involved. tick..tick...tick...BOOM with all the questions and pressure. She is probably telling you the truth RIGHT NOW, but the switch can flip, quickly. Back off and let these conversations go. Focus on her medical needs and make sure she's stable. F the OM, re-read GB's post.

[MHL]

Hey 9,

Have to agree with 25 and Faith on this.

You got the response you wanted, be prepared to endure when it flips back.

You love your W, right???

Show her, be fun, friendly, supportive with your actions. Stop telling her that you can forgive her.....show her.

You show her by not talking about it, by being happy, strong, confident......always. She wants to feel secure in your unwaivering confidence.......if she brings it up and asks if you can forgive her.........let your eyes do the communicating.

The eyes can't lie.

And if you haven't truly forgiven her then you got some work Bro, cause it will show in your eyes.

The path to forgiveness is your own happiness and that is not found in the arms of another person........no one.

Not the OW...

Not in your W....

Not in your children.....

Happiness is found within......

There is your work....

If you are truly happy then you will not focus on this VVVVV

A couple of times I let my mind wander that this bed was where her and OM had sex countless times and it did get to me a little but way less than I thought it would.

I will say that you need to politely cut your OW loose, she has her own sh!t to deal with and you have yours.

You need to send a "no contact" letter and show it to your W and stick to it.

I think Starsky might have some good suggestions in this dept.

I am worried that I may be making a huge mistake but I believe my marriage is worth one more try.

How could "trying" be a big mistake.......the mistake would be to "NOT TRY" IMO.

I am going to hit you here........Are you worried that you could be giving up the "possibility" of a R with your OW to pursue your broken M that may or may not work out????

Sure sounds like it to me.

There are other people, preferrable MEN, with trailers to do whatever it is you need to do.

Further contact with this woman is "instilling" FEAR in your W, and she will eventually react, guaranteed!!!!!

Oh yeah, you need to stop talking about the DUNG HEAP to your W, it is constantly throwing it up in her face........

Everytime YOU, bring HIM up or his W or his family it is the same as saying to your W that you can not believe she was so stupid but you still want her back????????

Who is sounding a little crazy now????

It is weak on your part. Come here, vent about him. No more talk of HIM with her.

Hope this helps!!!

Cheers

[KenF]

agree with all of the above.

asking about the OM, even in the context of verifying if she's done, could be seen as weakness on your part. do you feel threatened by him? you want to give the impression that he's so beneath you both that its a waste to even think of him.

and all your R questions can wait until she gets better. you've waited this long, gotten this far, now is when you need to be patient.

but i fully understand how you could feel you've waited this long and now you're this close, so you just gotta know. i get it. but it goes against everything you've done.

[ninelives]

All great posts. Yes , I forgot my dbing. I am not in the best frame of mind right now. You are correct NH that I am a little afraid that I may be giving up a great girl for somebody that may never love me. That does concern me but there are NO guarantees in life are there?

I need to get grounded again. All this crap has me swinging in the breeze but only I can get my feet back on the ground again.

She did want me to come over last night and when I left after she was asleep, she texted me and said that she was dissappointed I was gone and she was scared. This was at 3;00 am. She said she had trouble getting back to sleep.

I offered to come over again, and she said that would be nice so I did. I massaged her again until she fell asleep but this time, I slept in the same bed with her and we spooned. Man that felt great.

So we woke up together and she set her alarm for work. Just like the old days. She got ready for work and I just sat around and talked to her. She said she had to get ready to go and that I was blocking her in. I said ok, see you and went to get in my car and she called me from the window.

W: ARent you going to say goodbye.

M: I did, have a nice day at work.

W: I didnt hear you.

M: Ok , good bye ,

W: Okay, talk to you later.

No texts today or any contact. I am giving her apace to ponder her sitch right now. She did call when I was out running chores about a motorcycle accident, wondered where I was.

So I am not going to contact her today. Like I said, I am giving her space. You are all right. We've come this far, be patient some more.

Thanks all:

9

[2stepboogie]

Slow and steady wins the race 9!

I'll post some more one I get off this moderation

[25yearsmlc]

hey 9,

I'm going to be unavailable for a few weeks after tomorrow. Don't take it personally.

You're in great hands. Help your sick wife get well.

The rest comes later.

The OW? She has to go. IF she's "the one" who can make you happy (whatever that means)

and your wife never gets well or cannot be "the one"

time will tell.

For now, all we pretty much know is that OW is a wrench in the engine.

Besides, I think OW seeing you try to get your w well first & foremost

won't be a deal breaker if the time ever comes for you to resume things.

She might have moved on of course.

But like you said, there are NO guarantees in any of this.

We say Life is a risk and then we love someone and realize how true it is.

((( )))

we love and

[ninelives]

Yesterday not much contact and I didnt see her at all. Kind of missing her. I did text her this morning about son not doing sailing cause he quit. I also told her I let him watch the exorcist which we both did at his age. Rite of passage maybe.

Im just getting a bad vibe from her. She responds but seems a little distant.

Im just going to give her time and space. Thats all I can do I guess.

I know I REALLY want this to work. It seems like when I get grounded and ready to move on , she pulls me back.

WAS pattern I suppose.

9

[Bworl]

The Pursuit Dance


Take a look at this article and I think you'll see some of your current situation in there.


It's difficult to resist the temptation to accept what appears to be the fulfillment of your hopes and dreams - a spouse who expresses the desire to come home.


It seems to me you've had incredibly solid counsel throughout your time here, so you KNOW that this was not going to be as simple as your wife just wanting to have her family back.


Even if she was completely sound of heart and mind, the reconstruction of a relationship after all that has happened is hard work and there are no guarantees.


Your wife is NOT healthy of heart and mind. If she truly has been diagnosed as she says, that diagnosis brings with it the imperative that she receive help and treatment to regain her health BEFORE you tackle the intricisies of rebuilding a relationship of any kind.


Don't see this as a setback.


Think of it as a reminder and a reality check.


You said yourself as this was unfolding that there were no guarantees. You KNEW what many have been saying to you. It's just incredibly tough to not be swayed by positives.


Do this the right way.


Because, God knows, you don't want to have to do it again on down the road.




Blessings,k

Bill

[ninelives]

Thanks so much for the input.

I know you are right. IT is incredibly difficult for me right now not to just want to waltz back into the relationship but I KNOW that will be difficult.

Fear plays a role and I have to get rid of fear. I afraid if she doesnt come back soon, she will change her mind. BUT i also i afraid that I may change my mind and become agitated that I have to go through this.

Just have to refocus and get my balance again.

Thanks so much for the article.

9

[ninelives]

What an excellent article Bill. Alot to digest though.

9