"Feel what you need to feel, but don't let it take over your life. Because they will get married, but everyone's life will go on, and it might as well be positive".
SO TRUE!!! We can choose to be happy and move forward or we can choose to wallow in self pity. That was not aimed at you - it was something that took me a very long time to learn. Some people get so stuck they never get past this. Don't be that person. We only get one shot at it so make lemons from your lemonade. I had to get past this plus my firstborn getting brain damage and then my trusted employees all turning me out of my own business. But I got through it all and still smile every day.
I saw a guy on "Hoarders" yesterday and he had allowed the hoarding thing to take over his life. He said it was because his wife and daughter left him 20 years ago. He was not an OLD man. But he wasted his life wallowing in self pity. Nope - no one should end up this way. There are no guarantees in life. We just do the best we can and put one foot in front of the other every day.
This too shall pass and you will look back one day and know it was all for the best. We don't always understand why at the time but it does work out.
Thank you all so much for your advise. Everything you all say is totally true. My head knows that right thing to do but my heart keeps on stopping me.
I have a very good friends who has gone through it all before and she has given me some very good advise.
1. Stop letting xH and OW control me. I give them far too much control over my life and make them (in my own head) so much more important that they are. I am the primary parent and the person who does everything for my sons, so I am the one that should have the control.
2. Get over the fact the xH will be marrying OW and yes she will be part of your children's life. I can either fight this (which is exhausting) or I can accept this. This doesnt mean I have to embrace her as a buddy, or accept as another parent (which she isn't). I need to stop offering them fuel for their fire against me, which just brings them closer together. If they dont have me to discuss and my ways - then what do they have.
3. Stop allowing them to bully me and take back control. Stop being the victim. If you have to fake being happy then do it and eventually it will become reality.
4. Stop giving him the attention he keeps expecting from me via all his texts and emails. (I get approximately 10 a day). I need to only reply to those that are important and relevant to the kids in a courteous manner. He is not a part of life anymore, we are not friends.
So, first step is I sent xH an email regarding some things we have been discussing and actually referred to OW in it. I have never ever done that before. I used her name and thanked her for considering something.
Tomorrow when they come to collect my sons, I will cower behind the door as I always do but will actually say good bye to my sons in front of them and also greet them. (She has advised that I view them as the weekend babysitters which should make it easier.)
Not sure if all this will work, but I cant do with the anger and bitterness anymore. My sons still really struggle going to their dad and I think if I start to embrace it a little more it will be helpful for them. My S11 still cries when he goes which I find so sad and is probably partly because of how I feel about it. So it is time for me to be the parent, suck it up and do what is best for them.
So wish me luck for tomorrow that I will have the courage and conviction to step out of my door and even greet them.
((( ))))
Me 37 years young!! S11 S7 T22 M14 D final 13.05.2010 Today is the first day of the rest of my life!!! First post: D Day has arrived
Ooh, forgot to mention that in the email that I wrote I also mentioned that I realise that in the past I have been at times difficult and for that I was sorry, that this was just the hurt of the breakdown of our marriage talking.
I do actually mean that. Of course I have been difficult, who doesnt in a D. And yes I wish I had behaved a little better at times and with more dignity so yes I am sorry for being difficult at time.
I am not apologising for any form of recognition but for my own peace and my own soul.
Me 37 years young!! S11 S7 T22 M14 D final 13.05.2010 Today is the first day of the rest of my life!!! First post: D Day has arrived
Sounds like a good start! I try to think of my ex as the postman. So there is idle pleasant chatter. We aren't friends but we aren't enemies either. We have 4 kids to raise.
I do have them the vast majority of the time so I am doing the raising. I do listen to his imput but at the end of the day, it is my decision. I am lucky that I have some good kids.
Kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Last nite when XH and OW came to fetch my sons, I went out of my house and handed my kids over with a brief little conversation with XH and OW. Nothing too much but it was certainly an improvment on staying in my house cowering behind the door.
We just had a little laugh about how my S11 had grown and is eating me out of house. Also S8 has hurt his hand and was wearing bandage. He doesnt have to wear a bandage as it is nothing drastic but he wanted so I said to XH in afrikaans as my S8 was near us and I didnt want him to hear or understand that S8 was fine and was just wearing the bandage as it made him feel better. It was just old habit as before if we wanted to talk about things that the kids didnt need to hear we would talk in Afrikaans. Anyway of course OW was standing next to XH and she doesnt speak it so didnt understand and got a really funny look on her face. I know that this is smug but I thought - huh you see something that still ties XH and I together that you cant be a part of it.
It really was so unintentional and just happened and of course XH interpreted it for her. But I did feel a little smug about it. It was totally not planned and so was just a bonus to the whole situation.
Anyway it seemed to make my sons feel a little more comfortable which was my full motivation. It is amazing what you can do when your kids need you.
It felt great and I wasnt nervous at all. I felt in control of the situation again and that I had reclaimed my house again.
It felt fantastic sending my kids off for the weekend with a smile and a big hug. It also seemd to chip away just a little bit more of the bitterness and anger.
Consequently Child Support was paid this month not only on time but a day early. Something that has never happened before.
Feeling on top of the world today!!!!
Me 37 years young!! S11 S7 T22 M14 D final 13.05.2010 Today is the first day of the rest of my life!!! First post: D Day has arrived
So really had a good weekend. I guess it really did start with a good vibe.
I did a 5km race yesterday for cancer research which was good fun. Didnt think I would manage but had a great friend who pulled me along :-)
So back to the school shoes saga!! Chatted to my S11 on the phone last nite when he was at this dad's and he said that they had just bought shoes for the wedding. They are black leather ones and xH had said that if they were suitable then they could use them for school shoes.
Well, this got me thinking. When xH offered to buys my sons school shoes, this was obviously the idea. To actually buy shoes for the wedding then pass them on. I am not complaining as obviously this is a great saving for me - but I am disappointed though as I thought XH was making a kind gesture when in fact he was just being his usual shrewd self. It wasnt a gesture at all - just a convieniance.
Anyway today I receive an email from OW (not even W yet) from his hotmail account. What a bloody cheek - how dare she think she can email me. SHe emailed me to say that THEY have bought these shoes and would I like them for school shoes as they realise that I am battling financially.
Of course my first reaction was %$££*****!!!! Then I thought about it and the new improved responded as such:
'Thanks - thats brilliant. I really appreciate it.'
I didnt address the email to anyone just a hi.
At the end of the day my kids are the ones who will benefit as we will have a little more cash for our little vacation coming up so yeah - a litte thank you didnt hurt.
Me 37 years young!! S11 S7 T22 M14 D final 13.05.2010 Today is the first day of the rest of my life!!! First post: D Day has arrived
