Tired

[Lonely Room]

Today was the 4th anniversary of the day my wife and I met.

And I interrupted the no contact period I was following for more than a month.

I was sad, I am a human, I have feelings, and I couldn't let this day pass in blank, because that's not how I was brought-up by my mother. You speak what you feel.

I sent my wife a small email saying that I hope she was well and wishing her a good evening. She didn't get it, because probably she didn't remember it was our anniversary. I send another one explaining it was a special day, that calendars were popping in front of my nose all day.

She replied saying that she got it. I replied saying that I was sorry for confusing her and wishing that she will sleep well.

Against everybody's advice I followed my heart instead of following my reasoning. And you know why? BECAUSE I AM A HUMAN. BECAUSE I HAVE FEELINGS. BECAUSE I FELL. BECAUSE I'M IN PAIN AND BECAUSE I KNOW I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE RESPONSIBLE THE SITUATION I'M IN.

In tired. I'm tired of losing weight. I'm tired of not seeing films because I can't see them alone. I'm tired of waking-up at 4am in the morning and not sleeping more. I'm tired of waiting for small signs from my wife. I'm tired of refreshing Facebook, of checking my phone and e-mail account. I'm tired of having hope and of trying to save this marriage.

I am numb. I'm alone and life is meaningless. That's how I feel right now, despite everyone telling me that happiness is right around the corner.

Why?

[Onthemountaintop]

Life isn't about her, it is about you. I read in MH that divorced men get depressed because we don't have many close friendships maintained once we get married/older. True enough, I think.

I don't think happiness is around the corner. It is in front of you. If you love and value little things, like the taste of butter on bread. Or your newer body shape from the few or many pounds lost. Or in the feeling you can get in prayer.

Not sure if that helps - have a better night.

[Lonely Room]

Life isn't about her, it is about you. I read in MH that divorced men get depressed because we don't have many close friendships maintained once we get married/older. True enough, I think.

I don't think happiness is around the corner. It is in front of you. If you love and value little things, like the taste of butter on bread. Or your newer body shape from the few or many pounds lost. Or in the feeling you can get in prayer.

Not sure if that helps - have a better night.

Thank you Onthemountaintop, your words settled a bit my thoughts.

[~¤DG¤~]

Lonely,

Nobody here is going to fault you for being human.
We offer advice and suggestions, but it all boils down to what works best for you.

I am guessing you were possibly hoping for some sort of positive response from your W. I totally get that. I was hoping for something when my H & my 5th wedding anniversary was last month.

Are you in IC? If you aren't, perhaps it may benefit you?

Like you, at times I get so fed up with the pain that I feel like I've lost the will to live. Not suicidal, just...defeated.

Just know that you aren't alone. And that there are a lot of people on here who care about you and are praying for you.

[hoswald]

Lonely--

I feel ya. My W left her new town on the weekend of our 19th anniversary, maybe visiting OM. I sent her flowers and it made her angry.

I can't win with her. So I choose to win with life. It's hard (damn hard--today was a big crying day, worst I've had in weeks). But you can still win. Just will take lots and lots and lots of time.

[Very Confused]

Oh my, Lonely. I know exactly what kind of pain you are feeling right now. My 6 year dating anniversary went unnoticed by either of us. It hurt like hell to not say anything, but I was trying to stay dark. It's easy for advice to be doled out. Everything is always easier said than done. I've felt the desperation, where I didn't want to take another breath without my husband. When I have collapsed in a heap, heaving and crying because the emotional pain was so horrible I felt it in my body. I have stayed in bed for 13 hours straight on numerous occasions. But I do have more good days than bad, and I never thought that I would still be standing for my marriage 3 months into the separation and after finding his dating profiles online. But here I still stand. I know when to say "enough is enough". I am not there yet. I have to follow my heart when my head is telling me it would be so much easier to give up and move one. Only you know when you are ready to continue fighting or throw in the towel. I read on here, "when you are ready to give up, give it 48 hours, and ask yourself again if you are still done". Surprisingly this puts things into perspective.

I think this is all a normal process we are going through. Riding the roller coaster until we say when. Until we can drop the rope and GAL, make ourselves happy. I can say all these things, but I have NOT done them. Again, easier said than done. I feel your pain. True happiness comes from within. I wish you all the best.

[Lonely Room]

I feel like I broke everything yesterday. I feel like all the hard work I achieved, both to protect me and give space to my wife, is back at the beginning.

I feel that yesterdays contact and misunderstanding just annoyed my wife and pushed her further away from me.

And I'm a wreck again, I'm sad, anxious and depressed again.

Does any of you have any words that might give some positive light into what happened yesterday?

[notsosunny]

Dear lonely......

We are all human, we have all been in the place you are at. The feelings of sadness, the feelings of 2 steps forward 4 steps back.

Divorce busting is a long process..with many ups and downs. As they say its a marathon not a sprint.

My advise to you is to pick yourself up. dust yourself off and start another plan of action. This plan is for YOU. Put your focus back on you.

Are you reading and following the advise of DB'ing
What are your goals...are you Galing, being mysterious ( yet honest )

Keep posting there alot of very intellegent good advice givers on this network ( seasoned vets )

Stop pursuing her.........give her space..and start working on you

Good luck
Sunny

P.S. Are you in IC, who is your support group, tried anything for the depression ( Meds ) and eating healthy, sleep meds.etc.
Take care of yourself first for right now thats all you can do!

[Lonely Room]

Thank you notsosunny.

Yesterday morning I went to a counselling session and it was good. I talked a lot, I cried a bit and I took some documentation home.

I didn't try anything for depression because I feel that the problems I have in my life, my wife's leaving me, my mother's cancer, are real problems and they aren't made up by my mind like when I was depressed before. I want to deal with these problems myself, without any drugs.

My mind knew that contacting my wife was a wrong step, both for my happiness and my wife's opinion of me. But I followed my heart, that didn't want to let this day pass in blank.

And now I'm afraid of having thrown down the drain what I achieved in a whole month.

Thank you all, regards.

[Seminolewind]

Lonely,

I remember those days when I thought I would just crumble and could just die! All I can tell you is start reading all of these threads. Get on A/D meds if it helps. You need to learn to be a patient man. Stop the pursuing now! The people giving you advice have already been through this part. It is a real crappy place to be in life and you will survive. Life is all about how you decide to play the cards you have been dealt. I like a good poker game and right now that is how I am looking at my marriage. Just when you thought I was getting ready to fold, you find out I was just sitting back patiently waiting to drop my straight flush on your full house! You need to make yourself a winner again. People like a positive person a whole lot better than the opposite.

I already know what you are going to do, but for some reason I feel the need to help. Been there done that!

Slow down take a deep breath and read this stuff. Stop pursuing her. Do you think your wife or any person male or female would get all excited about seeing Donny Downer? I did that and it doesn’t work or help at all. I don’t think you could find anyone that likes a miserable person. Quit sending e-mails, text messages, phone calls even snail mail. If she needs to talk she will call you. If you are not busy you might be able to answer her call or maybe you can call her back tomorrow or the next day. Get out and live like you have never lived before. Make new friends, act like you are running for mayor and treat everyone like they are your long lost best friend. Fake it until you make it! Find out who you want to be in life. What kind of person does Lonely really want to be? Pick one thing that you have always wanted to do in life and just do it. It’s not just a biscuit if you actually risk it! Only talk about how crappy your life is on this board, your friends and family will get sick of it and give you somewhat shaky advice (not always but usually). Become unpredictable, this keeps everyone guessing and makes them curious. Read what others on this site are doing and take the good with the bad. Take life an hour/minute/second at a time. Don’t be so serious, it’s just life.

If you can start trying these things your life will improve every day. Sometimes you need to do the opposite of what YOU think is the best for your sitch.