WAW, Filing as Fast as Possible

[aeolianchaos]

Oh, the * next to reading the books. Just something to consider. One thing I have had to try and catch for myself.
It is easy to just keep reading, reading, reading, and not ever fully practice.
Try to take time in-between to really digest and put into practice the ideas.
The goal is to become a "finder." Not be a continuous "seeker."

I really appreciate what you are pointing out here. This is something that I have done a lot of - staying inside my head and not going into the 'doing' mode. Thanks for pointing this out, because its something I really do need to stay conscious of. For me, I believe that forming a concrete plan of action and preloading decisions can help me get going on the 'doing' part of things, and that allows me to evaluate real evidence and adjust based on experience rather than my own limited predictive abilities.

One thing that strikes me though is that she is afraid of your anger. And it's PERCEIVED anger. As you said, you never did anything - so... HER drama. She knows she did something horribly wrong by having a PA, so possibly she is perceiving that anger that she thinks she deserves and preparing herself.

My anger has been a bit scary in the past, particularly as a manifestation of depression and low self-worth. Usually just a lot of noise, but still it's something I have remorse for and am happy to be in a better place at this point. However the worst thing I've done since the PA was exposed was say some mean/vulgar things.

I did express some rather violent thoughts about the OM to my W when I was wrapped up in my angry thoughts and I can see how they might have scared her, but she certainly never indicated to me any fear that I was going to engage in violence towards her. And I never suggested that I was going to/wanted to/intended to be violent towards her. In fact, I offered her coffee when she came to get more of her stuff because I was concerned that she wasn't in a good place to drive.

The toughest thing about this process/journal is the "why's"...both how did this happen and now why our WAS are oblivious to the positive changes in each of us. I KNOW these thoughts are not healthy, but I find this element the most challenging.

Yeah - I totally hear you on this one. It is really tough to get my head around the 'why' of how this happened. A lot of that is because we can only be responsible for half of the relationship. If I could read minds, I wouldn't have the experience I'm having now.

The notion of the 'Wall' the WAW puts up is an interesting and appealing one, but I think its a little simplistic. WAW's can have plenty of their own issues and those can be playing a big role in their behaviors. Self-justification, denial, avoidance, etc.. aren't just the walls they've put up to protect their hearts, its a way of coping w/ their own unethical decisions and perhaps dealing w/ their deeper issues (lack of a solid sense of self, perhaps..). I'm not saying the WAS doesn't have some kind of barrier to experiencing love as a result of the LBS but I think in a lot of cases its a both and kind of thing.

This can be nice - hey, I don't have all the problems!! - but it is also a little disempowering: there are things they need to deal with that are basically out of your influence, and now that they are front and center, they might decide to jettison you(read: me) in their process of self-discovery.

Yes, I think she is testing you. How are you thinking of responding?

If I respond at all, it will be civil and to the point. The fact is, I can't know what exactly her motives and thoughts are. At this point it could go either way and I'm not interested in playing that game with her (despite the fact that I'm clearly asking for people's interpretations on here ) She may just be acknowledging something, she may be attempting to find a reason to contact me (I certainly have done that enough in my life..), she could be doing something more nefarious. Its a world of unlimited possibilities. But, if I do respond it will be to the point and I will treat her as if she is being honest and sincere.

I agree she's testing you. Part of me suspects that she's hoping to see if you're moving on to appease her guilt. I think she's under the impression that she can just be "off the hook" which would infuriate me...

Yeah, I can see this perspective and I can understand the potential for that. On the other hand she might be trying to prove that I am too angry at her for her to communicate. The fact that this came the day after my L received the D complaint (which I still haven't received.. W's L filed it in late june) seems a touch odd, but I don't want to go down a pointless speculation. Technically she is 'off the hook' - I can't control her and certainly the notion of doing 'the right thing' as a 'married woman' is something she may not be entertaining at this point. I don't think there is a lot I can do about any of that. Although I really hate to see all this produce go to waste.. Maybe I'll just bring it with me.

Even if she hopes you are moving on so that she does not feel guilty, her happiness should not be tied to your happiness.

Dark is dark. It is counter intuitive to not respond when they are being nice. We often find it is the counter intuitive action that gets the best results.

She could be curious...

Did she ask you a question?

Do you mean that her happiness shouldn't be reliant upon my happiness, or that my happiness shouldn't be contingent upon hers?

She didn't directly ask me a question.

WRT to Dark, I guess part of it is that I'm not even sure that I'm dark or not. So much of it seems to be just the way the cookie crumbled - no direct communication, so dark by default. I never fully chose "I'm going to 'go dark'" or anything like that - its just apparently the way things have ended up.

I don't want to fall into the trap of 'silent treatment' or 'shunning' as those seem too punitive to me. I have acted punitively in the past and its something I'm trying to get away from as best I can.

The truth is, I would like nothing more than to be able to share all of the experiences I am going to have with her. We've been each other's best friend for almost a decade (well.. she hasn't been such a good friend lately..) and I've always valued sharing these experiences together. So, its probably one of the hardest things for me, not to be able to share all these

AND I got an e-mail from her while composing this reply. It's a question regarding a bill, but also says

"It's been a while since we last spoke.. I hope you're well"

It's been 12 days according to my phone. Not really an epic length of time, but when we were married I don't know that we went more than 24 hours w/o speaking except once or twice when she has been in Europe.

If it was a friend sending this to me, I'd think it was a thoughtful thing to say. When its a likely STBX - doesn't seem to ring so pleasantly.