Thanks guys - appreciate the support. I'm trying to remind myself of those points as much as possible.
Spoke to my C today - oddly enough she thinks I'm doing very well, and she thinks I am handling things the right way and the decisions I have made to focus on me and my kids is the best possible place for me right now. We've actually decided not to schedule any more sessions for the time being (but I can set something up whenever I need to). There's just not much else a counselor can tell me right now that I don't already know. B/w her, the DR and this forum, I finally feel like I know what I have to do to make MY life better. If down the road that life includes my H, then great. If no, I will be okay.
During our convo, I told her about everything that has happend in the last two weeks with H renting his own place etc. and how our last convo went. I've journaled so much on here, that I can't remember if I posted this piece or not, but when H and I were talking, I asked him if I was just imagining out good things have been between us for the past 6 months. His reply 'Yes it was good, but it wasn't amazing'. That really REALLY hurt me. Anyways, when I told my C this, she was actually in shock. She couldn't believe he said that. She asked me 'is THAT what he is looking for? an amazing perfect life where he forever lives in that honeymoon phase'. Not to mention everyone's idea of 'amazing' is different. I bounce back and forth in my analysis of that statement. Mostly I believe he means what he says, b/c if you're not in love with someone, you're not in love with someone, so obviously it wouldnt have been amazing to him, even if it was to me. But then my secondary thought is always 'well if he is depressed and feeling numb, how can he even judge what amazing is when he is clearly not feeling much of anything these days.
Anyways, he came over again tonight to see the boys. He actually showed up about a half hour earlier than normal (pretty much the earliest he's ever come home from work in his entire life). I was shocked - said 'wow you're here early' (nicely just shock, not criticism or whatever). He said he left work early. I said 'how come?' (thinking he had an appt or had to something with his new place). He said 'I just didn't feel like working'. He has never in his life left work b/c he didn't feel like working. He's so down and tired these days. I'm worried about him. Anyways, I just joked 'Do we ever feel like working?'. Decent night - nothing special. I was cheerful, had makeup on etc (have to refrain from getting all dressed up when he comes over, cause he's smart enough to think I was being manipulative). But I still looked nice (and smelled good hehe). After he put our oldest son to bed, he came back in to say good bye to me. Sat down on the bed for a minute, sighed and said 'well I guess i better go get some groceries done'. I said 'okay!'. He said 'hope you sleep well' (he says this every single time he says goodbye to me). For the first time I said 'you too'. Oh and then he mentioned he found some more sleeping pills and left them for me (we've both had major sleeping issues since this all started, and we are always sharing our latest and greatest discoveries with respect to over the counter meds). I asked him why he didnt just keep them, he said they don't work for him. He is SO tired these days - WAY more tired than me, and I am up at like 5am every morning with my little guy (and usually up through out the night to fill up sippies or take the big boy to the potty). I suggested he talk to his doctor about getting a prescription for something 'real'. He said 'No way, I take enough drugs right now, I don't need any more'. I left it at that, we said good bye, and he left. Ever since he told me he was renting his own house, he stopped kissing me good bye too. I have to admit it, I do really miss that
Anyways thats my story of the night. I have to say the supportive words I receive from those of you who take the time to read my posts is really REALLY helping me get through this. There's just something so different about receiving support from people going through the same thing. So thank you everyone. I never in a million years could have imagined how much I would rely on the support of this board when I stumbled across this website a few months back... xo
Feeling low this morning.. Its been a long week. Spent lots of time with friends. Worked of course. Spoke to H on the phone yesterday about some household stuff, then he started telling me about the bunkbeds he got for the kids (I teared up at that point, but we were on the phone), and having some other furniture being delivered today etc. I had been having a pretty good week trying to be cheerful around him etc, but every time he brings up his new house, its like I'm being stabbed by a knife. Anyways, I think he could tell I was a little sad about it but whatever. Friday night my 5yo had soccer - H met us there as he usually does. I had plans with my gfriends last night, and so he came back to the house after soccer to watch the kids (his house isn't quite ready for them to sleep there yet). Put the kids to sleep. I went to my room to get ready, he went outside to cut the grass. Peaked out a little while later and he was watering the grass too. He comes in eventually, showers and lies on our bed to watch tv as I finish getting ready. I was really good about making chit chat. i told him I had a guy come by earlier in the day to give me a quote on painting our house. I figured I am planning on painting the house before we sell it - which will probably be in the spring - so I might as well do it now and get to enjoy it. Anyways, we just chit chatted back and forth about nothing. At one point he commented that I should have waited to get dressed until he came in from cutting the grass.. I asked why? He smiled and said 'so I could watch'. That was him flirting. Which he hasn't done in about 2 months. Anyways, left it at that. I went out with my friends, came home pretty late. He slept over and got up with the kids in the morning so I could sleep. I didn't sleep in much and eventually made my way downstairs. He's SO GRUMPY. But he is always grumpy when he is taking care of the kids, he is grumpy b/c he didn't get to sleep in (he didnt say that but he is so used to sleeping in on the weekends, that he's not used to it). He's not a morning person at all either. And he's packing up all the kids stuff to take them to his new house. Lovely. Anyways, they just left, and I feel soo SO sad. Sadder than I have in a long time. Its like reality has suddenly slapped me across the face knowing our little boys are going to visit their Daddy's new house, which will be their new house too. Oh and my 5yo - although not upset - has been asking alot of questions as to why we are not moving with Daddy and why Daddy wants to be on his own etc. So my heart has been breaking a lot more than usual this week
I hate that it feels like he is always so mad at me. If you asked him, he would say he totally isn't and that he's just tired. Anyways, Im just sad today. I have the day to myself though, and I have a lot of errands to run, and plan everything for my baby's 2nd birthday next weekend. Its good to keep busy, but I do wish I could just relax instead. Sigh.
I don't know what's wrong with me today, but I am total mess. I am feeling so low. I don't get how I can feel pretty good most days, and then out of the blue I suddenly feel like my whole world is crumbling. Gawd, I love my husband to death, and as much as I am trying to GAL and just take care of ME, its days like this - when he's with our children, and now at HIS house - I just miss him like crazy. The thought that our life together is over is just absolutely mind boogling to me. Although I am not 100% to the point of acceptance yet, I am working on it. But accepting it and understanding/getting over it just seem like two totally different worlds to me right now. I am just so sick of being without him. I can handle being alone, but I miss him, I miss us. Today I am yearning 'us' more than I have since when this all began. and I'm so po'd at myself b/c I just can't shake this feeling today. I know he loves me, I know he is still 100% attracted to me and that the physical bond is still there, I know he likes me, I know we're great friends, he thinks I'm a great Mom, we have two wonderful kids together, we still enjoy each other's company, we have the same interests, and enjoy the same things. So I just don't get how he doesn't know that he's in love anymore. I know its not for me 'to get'. But like I said, today is a bad day where I am having trouble controlling my thoughts, and not really thinking rationally. And what confuses me the absolute most is that with all the things he tells me about not being happy, not sure he's in love, doesn't think we have a future etc etc, WHY can't he admit its over and ask for a divorce. He's said everything else, why can't he say that. ahhhhh...
ahh I am so manic today this is ridiculous. I dont think I've posted so many times in one day before. And I keep coming back on line to see if anyone has any thoughts or advice or just plain support. I feel a tiny bit better now that my babies are tucked away safely in their beds, in OUR home. I'm hoping my day was just extra bad b/c it was the first time my little men were going to Daddy's new house. Hopefully the sting will get easier with each subsequent visit.
Okay people i need ideas for 180's. I don't know what else I can do differently anymore. Most of the 180's I started doing 9 months ago are no longer 180's for me, but part of who I have become since this journey began. But I feel like I need to find some new ones - hopefully to help ME heal, and if H notices them, well then thats just a bonus.
Oh one more thing (and this part always bothers me).. to the men on the board, is it a good thing that my H still thinks I am the hottest woman on the planet? I KNOW he is holding himself back in terms of getting physical with me again. I know most men can separate physical and emotional, but I of course cannot. Sometimes I think its good that he is still attracted to me, but then the rest of the time I think well just b/c he's attracted to me, it doesnt mean he 'feels' anything for me.
Don't worry about how often or little you post. For me, I post daily, and often several times per day. I also check to see if people have responded. I need that support.
It is also perfectly normal to feel good one day and terrible the next. It's all part of the process. When it happens, just remind yourself that you need to get through today and today only. Honestly, there were times I just reminded myself I needed to get through the next hour, 10 min, etc.
As for 180's, I'm sorry but I'm not quite sure to suggest for you. I am sure one of the vets will pop in and think of something.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
I know nobody can really suggest 180's specifically for ME, but I'm curious as to what other people have done late in the game after already implementing the 'big ones'. Maybe they will be a trigger for me to think of new 180's.
Today was a weird day. I wasn't so down about H, but I was rotten with my little guys this morning. Just had no patience today. I hate it when I lose my temper with them, and then I spend all night feeling guilty about it. I know they forgive me though. No word from H today. But I rarely hear from him anyways. No really disappointed, as that's the norm. Would be nice though.
Haven't posted in a few days.. I was quite upset yesterday that H asked me if he could the boys away to a cottage for the august long weekend. That bothers me for a number of reason - first he would be going with a bunch of other families from work (mainly women and their families)..As much as I know it would be purely innocent - and he knows that our 5yo would tell me anything - in the back of my head, I think I will always wonder if there is someone else. Secondly, I don't know these people AT ALL. And this Mama Bear is very protective. My kids are still very young, and H has never spent an extended period of time taking care of them without the help of his mother or sister. He's very responsible and I know in my heart they will be fine, but still.. something feels wrong about it. And finally I keep thinking that I should be going with them. This is the stuff that I love doing and that we would always do as a family. So that stung pretty bad. Not to mention, this means I will be stuck home alone for the long weekend, and all my friends already have plans. There is going to be NOBODY around that weekend, and I'm worried that I am going to wallow all weekend, and I am worried that I am going to worry all weekend b/c I won't have enough distractions... Anyways, I'm already not as upset as I was yesterday, so I'm sure I'll get over it. Im just sick of all these 'slaps in the face'. It just feels like everyday I'm getting hit with some new reality of what my life without H has become, and the fact that he's totally GAL - way better than I am. And I of course know the reason why - b/c he has TIME, I always have the kids.
Okay anyways, beyond that, things have been 'okay'. H has actually been a bit a little bit more back to normal this week. Our grass is pretty much dead b/c he was always the one to care for the lawn, and quite frankly I'm busy enough chasing after an almost-2-year old and a 5 yo to be worried about that. Anyways, he's been on me all week to water it - its REALLY bothering him how dead it is. I seriously don't know why he cares. He doesn't live here. A few other (very small) things I've noticed this week. Even though I don't contact him unless I HAVE to - ie house stuff, or kid stuff, and its always thru text or email, but this week he's actually called me 3 times about stuff rather than emailing me or texting me back. Convos were light and he didn't necessarily sound happy to be talking to me, but he also hasn't called me in about a month. Another thing, once the kids go to bed, the last week or so, he started lying on our bed beside me for about 5 minutes before he leaves and he started kissing me on the forehead again. Also last night he kept staring at me, and then told me he liked my top (a summer tube top, but pretty low cut), and kept staring at my it (well my chest lol) the entire time he was here and even shook his head at me one time (which is his version of 'you look hot').
Anyways, right now I'm torn. I know the things I just listed are so unbelievably minor, and I've recently (finally) accepted there is no hope - but then little tiny stuff like that happens and my mind starts racing, and I wonder if there is even a glimmer of hope. At this point though, I don't even think I want hope. All hope has done for me so far has caused me pain when I start to get my hopes up and my bubble bursts, so to speak.
I religiously read all the other posts on the board - just not so good at commenting b/c I just don't feel qualified, but there are so many situations that I see hope. And I dont want to be the one that is still DB'ing 5 years from now when he's married with children to another woman. IDK, I'm torn on this hope thing. I'm so sick of this hurting.. I find myself wondering more than not lately why I even want to reconcile. As 25 always says 'become the woman only a fool would leave'. Well I feel like I'm almost at that point - excuse the conceit but I'm worked really hard, and always had self esteem issues, so I often have to remind myself that I AM a great catch, I AM a great mother, I AM attractive. I AM funny. I AM Canadian (sorry couldn't resist). And he's the idiot for not seeing any of that. Sigh.
If that was your house, would you water the grass? Is it the right thing to do? Reminding yourself of your 2 kids won't help the grass, or property value that you'd share if it doesn't work out in the end.
I know what it is like waiting for my spouse to turn to me and say that she'd love me unconditionally. She didn't. She had some conditions that she said, many that she didn't. I still have to look up at the mirror and see me, though, don't I. I have to feel good with that person.
I have 5 kids, 4-11. I know kids can get in the way. They can also have fun helping.
BTW. If he kissed you on your forehead, why didn't you kiss him back on his? If you think of the emotional needs he never had met (and you about yours), you may see some gaps you want to fill for any relationship. Being a great catch doesn't mean you are a great catch for him. We change over time. He or you may have changed and are no longer a great fit.
I would do a lot to be able to stay with the mother of my kids. She wouldn't, though. For her, it was all about me. I was the screw up in her life. So that's a fit I can't fix. But, if he comes by and sits on the bed, there's something in that house he wants(ed) back. It is much easier to say, "your child is awesome" than to use specific adjectives. It is even harder to use evidence. What makes you a great mother for that man? What makes you a great catch for that man?
Either way, it has been a long time since he moved out, so thinking about him might be nuts, anyhow. If you are, though, embrace your hope with evidence-based actions. Water the grass.
